Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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So Much For 1980s Nostalgia

My husband, whom I'll likely never forgive, showed me this video of a Cabbage Patch Kid being born. Apparently you can go to Babyland General Hospital and observe a CPK being plucked from the patch, right there under a fiberglass tree amid freakishly gyrating doll heads encased in heads of cabbage, complete with underground ultrasounds and a "nurse" encouraging Mother Cabbage to push.

Let's just take a moment to reflect on how many things are wrong with that sentence.

As a child of the 80's, I never wondered how my CPK was born. I heard the Xavier Roberts lore, but I didn't need to see it happening. However, as ridiculous as it sounds to watch a vegetable's birth plan unfold in the harsh fluorescent glow of a magical garden, people do it anyway. And they probably stop at the gift shop on the way out, because who doesn't want a souvenir from the day they witnessed an enchanted cabbage deliver a human/salad hybrid baby?

That's why I think there must be an untapped market for selling TMI experiences that ruin feature the toys I remember fondly from my youth (or the ones I used to remember fondly, right up until I watched someone wipe cabbagey amniotic fluid off them). Here are some more ways we could capitalize on uncomfortably up-close looks at how popular 1980s toys came to be.

Teddy Ruxpin's Fuzzy Wuzzy Surgical Center
Step into the operating room, kids! We'll watch as majestic grizzlies, "rescued" from the salmon-rich waters of Alaska, have cassette tape decks surgically implanted into their spinal columns! Later, we can venture down the hall to see the failed talking animal experiments, before they're shipped off to perform musical gigs at Chuck-E-Cheese locations across the country.
Rainbow Brite's Amazing Technicolor Sex Romp
An off-off-off Broadway musical detailing our colorful heroine's torrid affair with would-be bad guy, Murky Dismal, before their love soured - sending him into a tailspin of rainbow hatred, and her into the open arms of Twink. Running time: 47 hours. Forty-six of those hours are horrifyingly gratuitous nudity.
My Little Pony Breeding Stables
Come visit the MLP Breeding Stables, where young children can watch colorful, sparkly horses mate with pterodactyls to create the mysteriously beautiful Pegasus Ponies!
Care Bears' Belly Badge Assignment Camp
Join the Care Bears at Care-a-lot's signature overnight camp, where new recruits are hazed mercilessly, forced to exhibit only one personality trait (represented by embarrassingly juvenile emblems permanently emblazoned on their bellies), and are given demeaning nicknames like "Funshine."
Strawberry Shortcake: Skank Intervention
Help rescue the Strawberryland gang from their shameful early careers as topless Jell-o wrestlers. Sure, now "Life is Delicious" - but as they say, you can take the girl out of the Jell-o, but you can't take the fruity Jell-o smell out of the girl.
So? What do you think? Let me know how much (rounded up to the nearest $100) you'd like to contribute to my Kickstarter campaign to make these nostalgic TMI Origin Adventures (trademark!) a reality.

I originally wrote this post for In The Powder Room; it is republished here with permission.

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