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Writing 101 - the perfect cover letter

There's no way around it, economic times are tough. Or maybe the economy has improved and I just happen to live in a crappy neighborhood, I'm not sure. Either way, I do know that competition for really good jobs is stiff, even if you have a great resume, like this toddler does.

One thing I've learned in my various, unsuccessful job hunts is that a great cover letter is essential - and not the ones full of typos or sent to the wrong company, like mine usually are. Unfortunately, writing cover letters is hard. And boring. Let's not forget boring.

Employers look for specific buzzwords, but which ones? Are they tired of hearing from detail-oriented self-starters? How many different ways can I translate "sold Girl Scout cookies in 1986" into a worthwhile skill? Does anyone still care about my familiarity with word processing programs?

What the world needs is a really killer cover letter sample - one that all job seekers can look to for inspiration (i.e. job qualifications to copy and paste), current jargon, and maybe even a lack of spelling errors.

Luckily for the world, I'm not letting the fact that I'm an idiot who sucks at writing cover letters stop me from writing just such a sample - a can't miss, must-hire, absolutely perfect cover letter.

I'll tell you the secret: it's LIES. Lies so grandiose and fantastic, your potential employers won't even think to question them. Or, at least, maybe they'll know they're lies but be slightly entertained. Either way, you'll have their attention, and according to my complete lack of research, that's some percentage of the battle! So here it is - feel free to send this to several largish corporations to show them what a confident, young go-getter you are. Then just sit back and wait for the job offers/restraining orders to come pouring in!

Dear [insert name of company that probably ain't ready for this jelly],

I'm the perfect candidate for all your positions. I'm understandably insulted that you won't just take my word for it, but I'll go ahead and humor you with a few reasons why anyway.

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Govern a Difficult-To-Pronounce Nation. Although I haven't yet actually become a tsar, I did invent the Republic of Azerbaijan my sophomore year.

By the time I was 17, I had advanced degrees in several obscure -ologies. While completing my degrees and volunteering my time to dub Sarah McLachlan songs onto ASPCA ads, I was also CEO of an off-brand oatmeal distribution firm, taste-tested the new colors at Sherwin-Williams part time, and founded the Oakland Raiders. Of course, this was after I sold the NY Stock Exchange (too boring to keep, even just as a hobby).

I know, 17 seems old for so few accomplishments, but I did backpack around Europe for a few years as a toddler.

Currently I'm awaiting final revisions on my biography, which is being written posthumously by Mark Twain. I feel that a career with your company would be a productive way to pass the time until my book tour starts, or until my grant money from Yale is approved so I can begin my studies on the effects of self-tanners on the Naked Mole Rat.

The address to which you can forward my salary (I require a two-year advance) can be located on the envelope in which this resume was delivered - which, incidentally, I wove myself out of organically grown linen fibers originating from a new species of flax plant I discovered while on tour with Jimi Hendrix.

Now, what kind of potential employer wouldn't be impressed by all THAT? I mean, besides one who can read. What about you - ever sent a really killer cover letter, or one that was really cringe-worthy? Did you get the job? I know you'll be surprised to hear this, but spoiler alert: I almost never get the job. It's like employers don't think I take things seriously or something.

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


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