Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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You're a half-assed Martha

**If you're here for the video, com'ere and lemme kiss your face real quick. Okay, now you can either read all these words, or just fast forward (that's "scroll" in non-video talk) to the end of the post. Thanks!**

I joke a lot about how much I suck at cleaning. And cooking. And crafting.

And most of the time, I'm not even joking. If it weren't for my husband and his obsessive tireless cleaning efforts, my entire family would have long ago been consumed by huge flocks of plague germs and dust bunnies the size of German Shepherds. When I try to craft, stuff like this friendship bracelet happens, and when I cook, we end up eating delectable dishes like this:

This used to be bacon. No lie.
But I can explain! Sort of.

And so help me if I try to combine food and crafts - like that time the kids and I made hats out of Peeps.


However, I do have my Martha Stewart moments. I have two dedicated craft tables (plus the kitchen table, which I completely took over since we don't use it for eating - please see photo above) and I'm proud to say I am completely caught up on my scrapbooking. . . through July 2012. So, that makes me at least a half-assed Martha, right?

I knew I couldn't be the only one with crafty skeletons in my closet, so I asked some friends if they were half-assed Marthas, too.

  • Stephanie, BlogU writers' conference founder and writer at Binkies and Briefcases, admits, "Give me some fabric scraps and a piece of elastic and I will give you a kick-butt scrunchie in less than 3 minutes." This Martha-esqe trait came to light after she ground her own flour from organic wheat berries (SO Martha!) and I ended up writing about them on CraftFail (not entirely Martha-y). She had to throw her waffle maker away - enough said.
  • Leslie, Head Honcho at the newly redesigned and fabulous In The Powder Room, explains her love/hate relationship with crafting on The Bearded Iris (note: her third child's stocking is labeled "Child #3" in marker) yet confesses, "I also own a wheat grinder. I can quilt and crochet too. One of my goals in life is to learn how to make soap. These are all valid reasons why I don't have many friends IRL."
  • Erin, of Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms, piped up and said, "Confession: I have zero crafty skills and blew off all attempts to teach them to me BUT I have been ironing cloth napkins for my family of seven since we dropped the Bounty like a bad habit. This makes me unfit for friends everywhere."
  • Ellen, also of Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms, said, "Robyn, I am super impressed with how caught up you are with your scrapbooking. I think I am on 2000." And yet she's able to make amazing sculptures like this (please don't click that link, Mom). That's half-assed Martha if I ever saw it.
  • Janel isn't just a potty-mouthed librarian who makes us laugh at 649.133: Girls, the Care and Maintenance Of - she also went through a phase where she made her own laundry soap, though she stopped when she finally admitted to herself that it wasn't actually working. Another half-assed Martha in our midst!
  • Karen of Baby Sideburns got all domestic by making pancakes for her family! And then this happened: 
Pair that with my bacon and you have
a hearty meal, fit for... a prison inmate.
Anyway, my point is that even the least crafty among us have a little Martha inside, while even the Martha-iest Marthas can suffer surprisingly epic craft fails.

Do you ever wonder why that happens?

I convinced NickMom to let me go beyond the before-and-after photos of failure to explore where, exactly, these crafts and recipes go wrong. It's a little thing we're calling Robyn's Crafty Corner, and in the first episode I make twine balls - as well as several questionable testicle jokes. It's a quick view, I hope it makes you laugh, and I hope you love it and share it all over the interwebs so they let me make more.

Because if there's one thing I love to do, it's validate the half-assed Martha in all of us.

Robyn's Crafty Corner: Twine Balls by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV

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