Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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the one in which I interview Oprah

Remember when I told you my friend* Ilana at Mommy Shorts got her own show on ulive? Like a real show, with real celebrities?!?
* I can call Ilana my friend because A) it's my blog and I do whatever I want, and 2) when I first met her in person (in an elevator - the preferred meeting place for all glamorous people) after we'd become friends online, she was very sweet and I was all giddy that The Ilana From Mommy Shorts acknowledged my existence, but then later she APOLOGIZED to me for not being more fawny and leg-humpy (my words, but I know that's what she meant) in the elevator because she didn't recognize me at first.
DO YOU HEAR THAT, INTERNET? Mommy Shorts herself apologized because she didn't recognize me. That's like the Queen (of England and/or Latifah, take your pick) saying she would have invited you over for tea sooner, except she didn't realize that you were also a queen. Or... something.
Okay, that analogy is crap, but instead of thinking of a better one I'm going to pull the plug here because this aside is getting out of control.
Now, about The Mommy Show - in each quick, bite-sized webisode, Ilana interviews real celebs in her own apartment, while her kids hang out and do normal kid things like cry or tell her Very Special Guests to stop talking. You're going to love it. Look, there's Rachel Dratch! On Ilana's couch! (Her daughter remains unimpressed.)

So Ilana and I were chatting (on Facebook, but I'd prefer it if you pictured us sipping wine at a posh NYC club - something low key, but sophisticated - and make sure you imagine a really cute outfit for me), and she asked who I would interview if/when (when, obviously) I get my own show.

And that was when I was glad we were on the Internet instead of a posh NYC club, because on the Internet she couldn't see the stupid look on my face. The one I get, apparently, when I realize that I don't know anything about celebrities, nor would I have any idea what to ask one if it showed up at my house.

But then I pulled myself together and realized that, since we're friends, I can tell Ilana anything, by which I mean she already knows I'm an idiot. So I told her I'd probably interview Oprah, and this is how it would go:

Me [answers door]: Yes? What do you want? We don't need any more magazines.

Oprah: It's me. [waits while I stare at her blankly] I'm Oprah. I'm here for my interview.

Me: Oprah who?


Me: Oh, that Oprah. Well, come on in. But don't touch anything, please. Everything we own is a kid's toy and plays music for three billion years nonstop if caressed by even the slightest breeze.

Oprah: Oh, okay... Can I sit in this chair?

Me: That's not a chair, it's our obese cat. So... yes, go ahead.

"Say WHAT?"

Me [pretends to take notes, but really plays Candy Crush while the baby is distracted by throwing things at Oprah's face instead of mine, for once]: Suit yourself, I'll sit on the cat. So, an interview, eh? I guess you're some kind of big deal? What would I know you from?

Oprah: Well, have you ever heard of Harpo Studios? O Magazine? The Color Purple? The Oprah Winfrey Show?

Me: Hey, I thought I was the one asking questions around here! Why don't you let me handle this - I think I probably know a little more about interviewing people than you do. After all, I'm the professional.

"Dear Lord, please grant me the
patience not to smack this woman
upside her damn fool head. Amen."

Me [loses life on Candy Crush, gets angry and throws iPhone against wall]: GREAT! I was totally going to Google you on that thing, but now it's broken!

Oprah [smiles slyly]: Why don't you look under your chair?

Me [lifts up corner of cat and reaches underneath]: Hey, a new iPhone!

Oprah: YOU get a phone, and YOU get a... well, just you. You get a phone.

Me: How did you do that?

"I TOLD you - I'm OPRAH!!!!"

Me: Well, now I'm really glad you stopped by! [baby resumes pelting me in the face with random objects] But, I'm afraid that's all the time we have. Great meeting you... um, how do you pronounce your name again?


Me: Oh, that's such a pretty name. Bye, now!

 photo 1015-oprah-daily-show-rally_full_6001_zps12705e57.jpg
I assure you, that is NOT the finger she would use.

And this, my friends, is why I'm going to leave the celebrity interviews to Ilana on The Mommy Show. Check out her webisodes - they're only a few minutes each, they're funny, they're charming, she makes famous people do crafts and household chores, and she gives you all the fun inside scoop like who peed on her couch, what she was really thinking when Taye Diggs started to undress in her bathroom, and why she and Rachel Dratch have matching macaroni BFF necklaces.

P.S. Oprah, if you're ever in New York, assuming you don't already live there, let me know - I might be able to get you a spot on The Mommy Show at Ilana's apartment! And if you're ever in The Middle Of Nowhere, Michigan, please feel free to stop by my house, too. I promise I won't throw my phone... although the baby probably will throw stuff at your face. I'll keep the cat warm for you.

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


fishducky said...

"I'll keep the cat warm for you." That'd be great--I HATE sitting on cold cats!!

Robyn of HollowTreeVentures said...

I bet they shed more when they're shivering, too!

SisterhoodoftheSensibleMoms said...

This was freakin' hilarious. That. Is. All. Ellen

Tara at YKIHAYHT said...

I love you so very much. Oprah would only be so lucky to be interviewed by you.

Susan the Domestic Diva said...

Soooo funny Robyn!! "I don't want anymore magazines" hahaha

Lori Wescott said...

I expected her to have a stun gun, but she was very well behaved for this interview. Nice job handling her, Robyn.

Nicole Shaw said...

I'm sorry, who? Harpo? Isn't that a Marx brother? I hate communists.

Michelle Nahom said...

Cracking up! Poor cat though.

JD @ Honest Mom said...

So funny. SO. FUNNY. Can Oprah give me an iPhone? Because I need a new phone.

Stephanie Rufa said...

Oh my good Lord, that had me laughing hysterically. Everything about it - the pics, the captions, all of it! Thank you for that. If you ever do get to interview her I need to be there. Especially if it's going to go anything like you've imagined. I'll hide in the corner and try not to pee my pants laughing!!

Paige Kellerman said...

This was pure awesome wrapped in more awesome. I died about the time you brought the cat into it.

Robyn of HollowTreeVentures said...

That's really the only reason anyone comes to our door, so I always start with, "NO MAGAZINES!" followed by, "AND GET OFF MY LAWN!" It doesn't deter them.

Robyn of HollowTreeVentures said...

I'm pretty convinced that someday Candy Crush is going to destroy society. So much tension!

Robyn of HollowTreeVentures said...

I had her frisked at the end of the driveway and distracted her body guards with milk and cookies.

Robyn of HollowTreeVentures said...

I had no idea she was into communes! Damn hippies.

Robyn of HollowTreeVentures said...

Meh, he lives the attention.

Robyn of HollowTreeVentures said...

Wait for it... Wait for it... Now YOU GET AN IPHONE, and... Crud, I forgot to tell you to look under your chair. Amateur.

Robyn of HollowTreeVentures said...

I can pretty much guarantee that's how it would go down, except that after I got a new iPhone I'd run out and crash my car to see if she'd replace that, too.

Robyn of HollowTreeVentures said...

I thought of you at the cat part! I did! I almost rewrote it because I thought maybe I channeled your voice too much - it felt a little like plagiarizing something even though you hadn't written it. ;)

rorybore said...

Don't know what celebrity to interview??!!!

Hugh Jackman.
the answer is always Hugh Jackman!

Robyn of HollowTreeVentures said...

D'oh - good call. Next imaginary interview, for sure!

Mommy Shorts said...

That was awesome. I'll have to remember to invite her over so I can get a free phone! She's probably not busy, right? ps: I want to come over and sit on your cat.

Jen @ Cuddles and Chaos said...

Um, I think we were separated at birth. Because MY house contains nothing but toys that play music for three billion years if caressed by the slightest breeze and because MY cat is fatter than a chair and because I definitely know more about interviewing people than Oprah. Twinsies?

Robyn of HollowTreeVentures said...

Totally twinsies! :D

Meredith said...

Robin, I love you. And screw Oprah, "I can call Ilana my friend because A) it's my blog and I do whatever I want..."? Love you even more!

Robyn of HollowTreeVentures said...

Thanks, Meredith - and I DO do what I want around here (just don't tell Oprah - she scares me).

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