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My first faux-mance novel

Let me ask you something - are you a big fan of romance novels?

You know the ones I mean. They're easily identified by the covers, which normally feature bare-chested men rocking 80's band hair, standing on the helm of a pirate ship/knee deep in a field of wildflowers/in front of a roaring fire, with (nearly bare-chested) women grasping at them passionately. The naughty bits are discreetly covered by scripty-fonted titles such as Wicked Nights of Secret Perfection, or Sizzling Scoundrel's Desire, or Fiery Naked Splendor, and the pages are filled with the frolicking antics of characters named Busty McNipslip and Sir Reginald Spearpants.

Or at least, that's what I'm guessing.

I'll admit that I don't really know what the character names are, or what the storylines entail, or if there are even words inside these books - but that didn't stop me from trying to write one! Naturally, since I can't take anything seriously, mine is a "faux-mance" novel (DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) - not quite romance, since laughing is usually discouraged while discussing sexy time, but it's based on what (I imagine) a real romance novel is like.

Incidentally, I apologize for the exposed side-boob and only partially-obscured man-buns on the cover of my book (I guess my font wasn't scripty enough).

Whether you think romance novels are delightfully saucy or disdainfully smutty, there's something for everyone to enjoy in the faux-mance novel I've written for In The Powder Room, reprinted here with permission. Scroll down to take a peek - after you've finished ogling the side boob, of course.

faux-mance novel by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV

My mom, aware that I'm always on the lookout for freelance writing gigs, ever-so-helpfully forwarded a job listing from a company looking for romance novel manuscripts.

They weren't soliciting any ordinary romance novels, however. They were looking for "a sensual, historical story" set in some historical period of history, such as The Days of Yore or Yesteryear. It should feature an unconventional heroine (She could even be a scientist! they suggested sexistly) who falls in love with an alpha male (He could even be royalty! they suggested predictably) in the most erotic (but tasteful! they added ridiculously) manner possible.

Despite the fact that I've only read one romance novel in my life, which was an assignment in the weirdest college course I ever accidentally signed up for, I'm pretty sure I could nail this one! (Snicker.) After all, romance novels are probably the most popular form of literature that's been invented since the first Cro-Magnon man invited a hot She-anderthal over to see his cave etchings, so I really think this could be my big money shot, or shot at money, or whatever. Who knows? I might never make it to the 70,000 word limit, but here's what I have so far:

T'was a fine evening at Ye Olde Towne Castle, but Prudence Trollopbottom was late coming home.

"Hark," said Prudence when she finally returned from a long day of riding her horse bouncily in the woods, her flowing hair undulating behind her alluringly. "Prithy shall ye anoint mine scalp with yonder Flea and Tick repellent? Methinks I've picked up an old-timey parasite of some kind, most likely teeming with pox germs."

"Nay, fair wench," bellowed Prince Axel Stone testosteronishly. "I've lo' these many fortnights been hoping you would catch the plague, that I might chuck thee from my bedchamber and vigorously un-corset thine sister, Edweena."

"Naaaaaaayyyyyyy," she cried, heaving chestily. "I shall seduce you forthwith!"

Unbeknownst to Prince Axel Stone, for months Prudence had been secretly conducting science-y (yet sexily feminine!) experiments on their secretively shadowy estate full of secrets. She pulled a test tube out of her voluptuously ample flesh crevice, and lustily removed the cork with her teeth.

"Forsooth!" she declared, flinging the potion at Prince Axel Stone's loincloth-ular region. "Soon, we shall commence cavorting reproductively!"

"Naaaaaaayyyyyyy," the prince cried in an exceedingly erotic (but tasteful!) manner, unable to resist the fiery provocativeness burning in her eyes, directly above her scantily bodiced bosom.

Whew, is it just me, or is getting hot in here? I can't wait to continue the story, but first the English language needs to invent approximately 69,800 more arousing, steamy, titillatingly sexy (but tasteful!) synonyms for sex. In the meantime, I'll wait to hear back from Fabio's hair about posing for the cover.

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


Robyn of HollowTreeVentures said...

I sure hope so, but then again I've barely cracked a romance novel open before, so I might not be a great judge...

Michelle Nahom said...

The Shades of Grey series is the only romance novels I have read in years...I must say though that I did enjoy them...LOL. I put off reading them for a really long time...

Robyn of HollowTreeVentures said...

I've been putting it off, too, but everyone cracks under the pressure eventually! ;)

Gerard Welling said...

Just make sure you don't accidentally pick up Fifty Shades of Gay. It's a totally different thing.

Robyn of HollowTreeVentures said...

I bet it's way better.

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