Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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41 Tips for getting the woman of your dreams

It's March, so the HTV household is in full swing with March Madness. No, not basketball excitement - our Madness centers around the fact that we celebrate eleventytillion birthdays this month. Our championship isn't decided by team wins and losses on the brackets, but instead it's a 31-day tournament to see who can stomach the most cake. We don't hang banners or retired jerseys, we display an ever-changing rotation of multi-colored streamers and sadly dangling balloons because I'm too cheap to spring for helium.

First up in this month's Race To Get Older is my husband, Gerry. You might remember him from such blog comments as:
I'm going to start de-pantsing to eat, too. Except then I won't have anything to wipe my hands on. - on 10 Dumbest Things I've Bought
I heard that giving your husband a massage helps with this sort of thing. But only if your husband is as cool as I hear yours is. - on Weaning for weenies
You're mine. I realize that sounds like it denotes ownership, but if you change the tone it becomes less a caveman remark than a statement of wonderment. Think about it. I, of course, mean it both ways. :) - on 10 Reasons To Celebrate Me Not Blogging
Plus a lot of other comments he writes, sends me screen shots of, and then deletes because he knows I'll laugh but also knows that I'll kill him if he clicks "Publish."

Yup, he's awesome, which got me thinking, "This guy could teach a course on how to catch a girl." Then that  got me thinking, "I should write a blog post about that, based on stuff Gerry does!" And then I did. So BOOM, here it is. I won't tell you how old Gerry is this year, but here are the 41 Tips For Getting The Woman Of Your Dreams, a number that was chosen TOTALLY AT RANDOM (or not), from the playbook of a player who won the game.

  1. I'm not just flattering myself by saying I'm the woman of his dreams. He tells me so. Every day. Do that, guys - chicks dig it.
  2. But don't call us chicks. Most chicks don't dig that.
  3. Hold hands.
  4. But don't sit on the same side of the booth. That's too much.
  5. Be supportive, even (or especially) when she's not sure of herself. Like when you ask, "What's a blog?" and she just shrugs, tell her that starting one is a great idea anyway.
  6. Show her your sensitive, artistic, and/or weird side.
    Yes, Gerry carves snow heads to amuse the children.
  7. Also show her your strong, testosterone-y side. We like that side, too.
  8. We also like the side of you that knows when we need a glass of wine, or a margarita, or a tray of Jager shots, and brings us one.
  9. If you walk in while she's tweezing her face or bleaching her mustache, act like you didn't see anything.
  10. Many women say they want a Bad Boy, but what they really  want is a Bad Boy who turns into a Good Guy because he loves her so much. Please don't keep acting like a Bad Boy. Bad Boys are fun in theory. In reality, they're just a-holes.
    It's difficult for us to imagine a Bad Boy being sweet.
    And this? Is freaking sweet.
  11. Treat her like a queen. You'll know you're doing it right when she starts to really believe she is one.
  12. Leave little love notes where she'll find them.

  13. Don't make fun of her for skipping #13.
  14. Admit it when you're wrong. Say you're sorry.
  15. Notice when she does something nice. Say thank you.
  16. Let her catch you looking at her from across the room.
  17. Text her when you're sitting side by side.
  18. Don't be afraid to be silly.
    Gerry wears ridiculous hats with safety goggles to amuse me.
    Yes, this is the hat I wore in that drunken video.
  19. Give her The Look. The I-Love-You-Like-Crazy  look. Bonus points if you can pull it off while wearing safety goggles.
  20. Set her car CD player to start playing a meaningful song when she turns the key in the ignition.
  21. Leave the volume on the song up really high so it scares the crap out of her right before she realizes how thoughtful you are.
  22. Foot rubs.
  23. Ask her to marry you, even if she already did.
  24. "Like" her Facebook post, even if you were sitting right there when she posted it.
  25. Tell her she looks great, even if she's wearing ratty PJs and a ponytail.
  26. Say amazing stuff about her, like this.
  27. Surprise her.
    I found these bottles all arranged in a heart one morning.
    And no, we hadn't consumed all that beer the night before.
    (As if I'd have been up the next morning if that were the case.)
  28. Take the kids out sometimes - in the quiet of the house, she'll miss you guys. Eventually.
  29. Give her a reason to smile every day.
  30. Always publicly take her side in a disagreement. There'll be time to gently tell her she was being crazy after everyone else has gone home.
  31. Just humor her about the ghosts in the house, even though you don't believe they're there. WHICH THEY ARE. For the record.
  32. Once in a while, grab her and kiss her like you mean it.
  33. It doesn't hurt if you're incredibly hot.
  34. Chocolate. A box containing 38 bags of Doves Promises is especially appreciated by a woman who's 7 months pregnant, regardless of whether or not you got them for free at a homeless shelter.
  35. Know which pairs of her pants cannot, under any circumstances, go in the dryer.
  36. Forgive her for annoying habits, like maybe leaving cans of Diet Coke with two sips in them all over the house. Or whatever.
  37. She's giving you clues about what she likes and how to make her feel special all the time. Listen to her.
  38. Be a good dad. Few things are sexier than a man who loves his babies.
  39. Except maybe for a man who cooks and cleans. That's dead sexy, too.
  40. Have a good sense of humor about it when the woman of your dreams posts a bunch of stuff about you (with pictures!) on the interweb without asking you first. After all, you encouraged her to start a blog, so if you think about it, it's sort of your own fault. Please refer back to #15.

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


Anonymous said...

How has no one commented on this amazing list yet? Loved this post. So sweet and funny, too. Number 41 might be the most important, but I also love 17 and 31. But dear Lord I hope you have not needed a tray of Jagger shots since college. ANd if this list wasn't enough, Jerry can make head sculptures out of snow? Is there anything the man can't do?

And guess what? I'm a pieces too! Only, a slightly younger one.

Unknown said...

Okay... the beer bottle thing is adorable!

RobynHTV said...

Because you're so quick! I just published it like 4 minutes ago. :) Thanks so much - I'm always nervous about even a shade of sweetness - it's not really in my nature. And noooo, I have most decidedly NOT needed a tray of Jager since college, although I might've slammed a few shots while I was in labor if the hospital had a bar.

RobynHTV said...

Right??? He was brewing his own beer at the time, and was super appreciative that I soaked all those bottles and scraped the labels off. :)

Anonymous said...

I know a lot of women who'd like to trade with you!! (Not me, of course!!)

RobynHTV said...

No, he's MINE! **grabs shiv**

I'm glad to hear I won't have to get stabby with you, Fishducky. I love you, but I can't be held responsible for my actions when other ladies get too close to my man. ;)

Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said...

My pencil broke while writing down the first one so all I got down was "flattering myself". This seems like something I can pull off. Thanks for the tips! My wife is going to be so happy.

Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog said...

Wow, does he really do all of these things!?! My husband is a good guy, but not a romaticist <--- so not a word. I used to complain all of the time that he never said nice things to me or left me notes or brought me flowers, then we had kids and I'm too busy complaining that he didn't wash the bottles or change the diaper genie... maybe I need to start trading sex for sweetness ;-)

Unknown said...

I love the fact that Gerry supports your blog and gets in on the action. I get "are you on your bloopers again?". Some of his comments crack me up, and on some of your posts I'll keep going back, just to catch his comment.

RobynHTV said...

Um, yeah, just don't mention my name when she asks you who she can thank. Please.

RobynHTV said...

And happy birthday, too, you funny motha! :)

RobynHTV said...

He does do all that stuff, for real! He does everything else around here too, whether I sex him up or not. ;) I'm actually very spoiled - I'm not quite sure what he sees in me, come to think of it.

RobynHTV said...

Ha! He'll love hearing that. He cracks me up, too. Not to mention himself. ;)

Anonymous said...

Definitely keep him. ;)

Unknown said...

I love #10. You are very lucky. My husband has never even been to my blog page. My husband gives me a reason to cry almost every day... does that count???

Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 said...

Good for you, finding him.

TNMom said...

I go back to see his comments too. And your comments back to him. I have said it before, I love yalls relationship. He's a keeper! Glad I got me one too! Great list, so sweet and the pic with the baby - wowzers! Awesome! <3 Devan

P said...

Spot on- especially #25. I love hearing my phone ding while we're sitting on the couch together and I'm pretending to watch sports with him, but really just uploading family pics to FB. He's on to me, but obviously doesn't care, since that ding was him commenting on the umpteenth photo of our kid ;)

RobynHTV said...

I think I will. :)

Mel said...

The list left me with a bittersweet feeling. Sweet because it's great to know another couple who has it as good as hubby and I do (it's crazy how many of the items I can cross off because they're true for us too). Bitter because not everyone gets to have that sort of relationship.

Thank you for sharing this. I would feel far too vulnerable to share my list, or rather I'd fear someone out there would label me a liar. It was a sweet little reminder of the nicer things in our lives.

RobynHTV said...

Thanks, Devan! I'm glad you got one, too. :)

RobynHTV said...

Nooooo! Unless you're crying because you're laughing so hard. You want me to round up the HTV thumb-breaking goons? Hahahahaha just kidding. (No I'm not.)

RobynHTV said...

Thanks. I complain about a lot of stuff, but I try to remember to be grateful for him every day. ;)

RobynHTV said...

LOVE that! We're a couple of lucky girls, eh?

RobynHTV said...

What a lovely comment - thank you! Funny, Gerry's first remark was that, with 41 items, he assumed some of them would be lies. ;) I guess he just doesn't give himself enough credit. So happy to hear that your list of reasons your marriage is happy is as unbelievable (but true!) as mine.

The Third Partier said...

I sound awesome. If we apply (and we do)the transitive property of substitution, that means that you yourself must be pretty awesome - the QUEEN of awesome, even.

I'll text you a picture of the comment I was *going* to leave...

Unknown said...

and here I thought I had the best guy out there but he doesn't carve heads outta snow maybe I should encourage him that we need heads in our front yard«----snow heads, I mean!!!
As for #13, its code for speechless, right???

RobynHTV said...

I liked both comments. ;)

RobynHTV said...

Speechless, yes! That's what it's code for *now*. ;)

Thanks for specifying *snow* heads. **hangs up on 911 operator**

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Brian kennedy said...

This is actually a list on how to KEEP the woman of your dreams. single guys need to know how to MEET this woman.

Robyn of HollowTreeVentures said...

Good point, Brian. I wish I could help there, but I have no idea where women are anymore, since I'm always home with my fella. :)

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