Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
Follow the Hollow Tree on Facebook!Follow the tweets!Let's pin together!Look! Square pictures!Google Plus us!HTV's on the YouTube, too!Subscribe via RSS feed!Get yourself some Bloglovin'!I'll send htv to your email inbox!

As The Dollhouse Turns - Black Friday

Episode 12: Black Friday Descends

And now, through the magic of fake television, it's suddenly Black Friday even though I'm pretty sure in Dollhouse Time it was still Halloween. Other than that small detail, we pick up where we left off in the last episode...

"Hey, wait... did you say your name is Bob... or that someone told you your name is Bob?"

"Me don't know. Me woke up... dirty, under the ground... a lady... she help Bob, she say she know Bob's name... can't remember..."

Suddenly, Jimmy/Bob begins sobbing and falls into Sunny's arms, drenching her with tears and breaking several of her ribs.

Hmm, looks like more than one thing has snapped.

"There, there," Sunny coughs, patting the boy on the arm because she can't reach around to his back. "It sounds like you've been through some kind of trauma - we need to get you to a doctor!"

Jimmy/Bob just nods and allows himself to be led to Sunny's car.

"I'll take you to my doctor. She'll fix you right up," Sunny reassures him after buckling the girls in. Then she climbs into the driver's seat. "Hmm, the minivan's suspension seems... uneven."

You try say something to Bob's face, lady?

Sunny puts the van in gear, eases it to the end of the driveway... and stops.

Cars are lined up as far as she can see in both directions.

"What the hell?" she exclaims.

"Mom, it's Black Friday, remember?" Charmeuse chimes in helpfully from the back seat. "When I asked if we could go to the mall today, you said you didn't have enough booze in the house to deal with all those fu..."

"Woah there, okay honey - you don't have to repeat word for word everything Mommy says." She chuckles sheepishly in Jimmy/Bob's direction. "But speaking of, um, Mommy Juice, there are a few things I need to pick up at our local Time-sucking All-consuming Retail Gigantic Everything Together store."

"Do you mean T.A.R.G.E.T., Mommy?" asks Chenille.

"Sure," says Sunny. "How bad could the crowds be?"

A cheer goes up in the car. "Yay, we're going to T.A.R.G.E.T.!"
Four traffic-filled, horn honking, fist-shaking hours later...
"Okay kids, wake up - we're here! I just have to find a parking spot."
 Three hours and several bent fenders later...
The children burst from the minivan and begin weaving through cars and darting into traffic. Within seconds they're out of view, but Sunny follows their cries of, "I'm going to the toy department," and, "I'm going to the Dollar Spot!" She catches up with them in front of the store.

"Why didn't think of parking on the sidewalk?"

"Now girls," Sunny says sternly, "we're just running in for a few minutes. Just a quick stop. No toy department. No Dollar Spot. We're going straight to the Mommy Aisle and coming straight back out."

"Yes, Mom," the girls say, snickering - this isn't their first trip to T.A.R.G.E.T., so they know there's no such thing as a "quick stop." Besides, they know exactly how to work the system.

Once they reach the Mommy Aisle, they put their usual plan into action. Charmeuse darts off immediately, while Chenille assumes Tantrum Position #184: Humiliating Public Display of Whining.

Holiday booze crowds are out in full force.

Sunny employs Mommy Defense #7: Ignore Child Completely. However, after several minutes of tuning out Chenille's incessant bleating and enduring the glares of irritated shoppers, she relents.

"Fine. You can go to the Dollar Spot. But nowhere else. You stay right there until I come to get you."

Chenille doesn't hear her - she disappeared at the word "fine."

Eventually, Sunny is jostled to the front of the crowd and makes her wine juice selection. To no one's surprise, none of her children are where she told them to be. She meanders through packs of shoppers with their faces glued to sales fliers, looking for the girls. She doesn't see them right away, but she does spot an excellent deal on bath towels and then gets completely sidetracked in housewares.

"I have an idea," she says out loud, because that's the kind of thing you can do in a crowded place where no one is paying attention to anyone else besides the person they're screaming at on the phone about whether or not another store has lower prices on burnable DVDs. "I'll pick up some holiday gifts for the girls while we're out."

She makes her way to the toy department, where the shelves are empty. On the bright side, she finds the kids bouncing a gigantic beach ball up and down the aisle, bumping into bleary-eyed parents who look completely lost after missing the 3 AM doorbuster deals.
$250 for what was only supposed to be a bottle of wine later...

"That wasn't so bad," Sunny declares. "As soon as we find the minivan and go back for the other three cartloads of stuff, we'll get you straight to the doctor, Jimmy... er, Bob. Now, what do we say, girls?"

"Thanks, Mom" the girls sing, holding their Dollar Spot treasures.

"No, darlings, the other thing."

In unison, the girls recite the familiar phrase. "We're never, ever going back to that store as long as we live."

"That's right."
More traffic and a few flipped birds later, they reach their original destination...

"You'll love my doctor," Sunny promises Jimmy/Bob as they wait.

He's staring intently at the medical information hanging up around the room. "Why your doctor have so many pictures of girl parts? And why is 'Hang In There' kitty poster on ceiling? And why they have foot rests on exam table?" Jimmy/Bob is getting visibly nervous.

"Shh, the doctor's coming."

Sunny introduces Dr. Lady to Jimmy/Bob, and explains the situation.

"Greeeaaaat," says Dr. Lady. "Hop up on the table," she instructs Jimmy/Bob, "and drape this paper sheet over your lap."

"The stirrups might feel a little cold on your feet.
Okay, that's good. Now scootch down. More. More. A little more.
A liiiiiittle more..."

After a short but adequately invasive exam, Dr. Lady snaps off her rubber gloves.

"I can see exactly what the problem is," she announces to Sunny, peering over the edge of the paper sheet.

"My goodness, what could it be?"

"Your friend here has..."

For all the medical research regarding amnesia diagnosis, I'd like to thank absolutely no one!

For all the social research regarding the reality of Black Friday shopping, I'd like to shake my fist angrily at personal experience.

The drama continues next time - until then, please feel free to catch up on previous episodes of As The Dollhouse Turns. Then click the Top Mommy Blogs banner below while Jimmy/Bob tries to locate his pants... and his dignity.
Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


Stephanie said...

Best one yet!

Anonymous said...

I loves me some As The Dollhouse Turns!!

Kathy at kissing the frog said...

Love the stab at the Black Friday shopping. And how appropriate that the doctor examined Jimmy/Bob "down there," and determined that he had emnesia. After all that IS where men's brains are! Happy Thanksgiving.

The Third Partier said...

The pictures are awesome, of course. Walking in and seeing Jimmy in stirrups on the dining room table, also awesome.

Also, I guess you can tell a lot about a person by putting your forearm up their bum. Seems legit.

RobynHTV said...

Thanks, Stephanie! :)

RobynHTV said...

Those crazy dolls love you, too!

RobynHTV said...

Hahaha, I didn't think of that angle - very funny! :) Happy Thanksgiving to you too!

RobynHTV said...

I did love the look on your face when you saw Jimmy in a compromised position, especially since your view was straight up his... um, sheet.

LA Botchar said...

OMGosh! Instant post gyno amnesia!! the same thing happened to me after 7 residents checked to see if I was in fact 3cm dilated!! I mean....I think it did. I may have blocked some....just hold me please.

RobynHTV said...

RoryBore, my comment reply isn't working, but believe me when I say I feel your pain, sister. I gave birth at a teaching hospital, and there wasn't a person in the building who wasn't interested in my cervix. Blocking it out is the appropriate response.

Unknown said...

I'm sort of in awe of Sunny. If it only took her 7 hours to actually get to Target, she only spent $250, and she has her children trained to recite this very important mantra, I think she has got it down. Newest member of her fan club right here!

BadParentingMoments said...

This may be my favorite one of the series. I am dying. Does your Target sell booze? JEALOUS. Next time, I'm parking on the sidewalk. Love you.

RobynHTV said...

You have to have a system, otherwise you never escape with your sanity intact! Of course, her system is way better than mine, which is no system.

RobynHTV said...

I think it's up to us to invent the booze-laden Target - we'll do it, even if we have to get it in there in our stomachs!

Post a Comment

Thank you for commenting - you're awesome! I mean, even if you're a jerk, at least it means you read my blog. RIGHT?!?