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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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The Kids Are Killing My Self-Esteem


As you've probably gathered, my children are little angelic cherubs who live to make me feel good about myself. Each sweet syllable that slips from their lips is like a magical salve that bolsters my delicate ego.

Oh no, wait - the other thing.


It's not that my kids are mean - quite the contrary. They really do attempt to make me feel good, even if sometimes it's just a ploy to get dessert after breakfast, or accompanies a casual request to add a couple iPads to the Christmas list.

But they're young, and their technique is still underdeveloped.  So not only are their ulterior motives thinly veiled at best, their words of praise and support sometimes... miss the mark.

For example, here are some of the compliments ('scuse me - "compliments") my kids have recently doled out that, in my opinion, should have come gift wrapped with a box of wine.

You look less pregnant than usual today.
You're beautiful. Not as beautiful as me, but pretty good.
Your moles remind me of giant freckles.
If you bunched all your gray hairs together in the front, you'd look like that one girl on X-Men!
You could be a high schooler - you have the skin of a 15-year-old.
Dinner smells almost good enough to eat! (Gerry cooks 99% of the time - I must be out of practice.)
I could hardly notice your moustache with your hair sticking up like that.
Wow, you look great all dressed up. (This was said with a tone of awe and reverence. I was wearing jeans and a T-shirt. There's something to be said for low standards.)
You had just the right amount of kids, because your lap is big enough for all of us.
You're pretty much the best mom I've ever had.

Well, I guess I'll take what I can get. Especially that last one. Pretty much.

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64 comments:

Laura said...

LOL. My favourite is the "you look less pregnant than usual today" one. That's what I say to myself when I look in the mirror, and suck in my muffin top.

Stacie @ Snaps and Bits said...

That last one is awesome enough to carry you through the other stuff!!

RoryBore said...

I don't know, Rogue pretty much rocks. just sayin :)

don't you just love the honesty of children. I like when they point out odd things on your body and inquire loudly....in public. that's fun.

robyn said...

Ha! That girl says something about me looking pregnant every couple days (okay, maybe months, but it feels like days). I'm not, but maybe that means my muffin top is due to have a little basket of mini muffins. Would it be weird if I ate them all?

robyn said...

Agreed! Even with all those qualifiers, I'll concentrate on the "best" part and ignore the rest. Isn't being a mom all about tuning out the stuff you don't want to hear?

robyn said...

Yes, especially in public - that's always fun. It's about the only time I prefer them to make comments about me; let's leave strangers out of our brutally honest commentary, shall we?

And yeah, Rogue is pretty kickass. At least he didn't say I looked like that toad dude. ;)

Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms said...

Aw, kids. We might walk around feeling good about ourselves if it weren't for them. And my boobs would be a heck of a lot perkier, too.

If you took parts from all of those "compliments" and pieced them together, you would have on hell of a Frankenpliment. Now THAT term, I coined. ;) I would mine heavily from that last one because it is pretty awesome. Ellen

Stasha said...

This is awesome. My kid says stuff like: why do you always wear shirts like that mommy? Yes, he is not yet 5 years old... They truly are apples of our eyes. Pass the wine!

Bees With Honey said...

I like the last one. Best mom I've ever had. My girls say that to me all the time and I'm all ... " I'm your only MOm silly!'.

Great list!

Brandee said...

The last one is sweet. Occasionally I will out something on and my son will say "don't wear that!" when I ask why, he replies "because it's terrible!" Ack, my ego! It's nice that they like to be in your lap though, right? ;)

Wayne W Smith said...

Okay you got me laughing with the X Men one...

Christie said...

Great, great list. I love "you look less pregnant today" - hilarious!

stephanie said...

Ha! Too funny. When I was teaching second grade, a kid gazed up at me adoringly and said "You're the best teacher I've had since grade one". Kids are funny.

Bridget said...

My moles remind the kids of poop. I'm not making that up.

fishducky said...

"You're pretty much the best mom I've ever had." It doesn't get any better that that!!

robyn said...

Feel good about ourselves? Heaven forbid! LOVE Frankenpliment - you'd better TM that stuff quick before my kids steal it and use it as an excuse to hurl more unfortunate truths at me.

robyn said...

I love the ones that are sort of just comments or questions (like your, "Why do you always wear shirts like that, Mommy?") - they sound innocent enough, but we know what they mean. Those kids are tricky - pass the wine, for sure!

robyn said...

I used to be able to return it with, "You're the best son/daughter I ever had," until I had more than one of each. Now I have to use their names, and I do get "But I'm the only Jake you've ever had" almost every time. ;)

robyn said...

I like your silver lining - they do like to be in my lap which is nice, especially now that the baby is a little less growly and possessive, but I do sort of wish it wasn't wide enough for three at a time. ;)

robyn said...

I guess there are worse people to look like than Rogue, except I think the resemblance ended pretty much with the white streak of hair.

robyn said...

I get the pregnant one WAY more than I care to admit. I guess I haven't quite recovered from baby #3 yet (yes, I said "yet" - still foolishly holding out hope). :)

robyn said...

Boy, that's one worldly kid, eh? I love it when my kids talk about stuff that happened "back when I was little" - newsflash: you are STILL little. :)

robyn said...

GAH, there should be a warning on that comment, I just snorted Mountain Dew! :)

robyn said...

I know! That's why I'm looking into retirement from momhood - it's always wise to go out on a high note, right?

Crystal said...

I got a "If this didn't taste so bad, it would actually be good" yesterday. Wow. LOL Love your list!

SouthMainMuse said...

Those were too funny and like the honesty I get from my children. They frequently tell me how my rear jiggles when they pat it. And my daughter is always commenting how she is going to color her hair even when she is 99. (I don't color much of mine. At least not enough for her.)

hilljean said...

Oh dear. My kids are just now starting to notice my many imperfections. The other day my daughter told me she loved how my stomach was so squishy and my son pointed to the giant "owie" on my face. 'Twas merely a zit curtesy of my period. Sigh.

Kate said...

OMG, you are so freaking funny! And, apparently, so are you kids. The gray hair like the girl from X-Men cracked me up. Such sweet angelic cherubs, children are. And the mustache one is making me laugh out loud, right now, as I type this. Funny!

Rachee Fagg said...

You've gotta love kids; they are brutally honest. Funny! I think the dressed up one is my favorite. Once my daughter looked me up and down as I dressed in a "nicer" outfit and said, "Is THAT what you're wearing?" Needless to say I changed my clothes.
-r

robyn said...

Ha! I think I've made that recipe before. ;)

robyn said...

My daughter was actually frightened by my arm jiggle not long ago - I think it freaked her out. We teach them to be honest, and then it bites us on the (jiggly, if you ask them) rear. ;)

robyn said...

Kids = honesty meets observant. Bad combo. My son told me my tummy was like the ones on TV. I was flattered until he specified, "It's like Spongebob's belly!" Humph.

robyn said...

They never stop giving me material (unfortunately). The funniest part is that they're so innocent about it - they have no concept of why anyone would be offended. Luckily I have a thick skin (mostly around the midsection, apparently). ;)

robyn said...

That is one really nice thing - with little kids around, you always know if you look goofy or have food in your teeth or toilet paper on your shoe. They'll be the first to let you know. :)

Tabitha said...

My three year old likes to play with my belly because "It's mushy Mommy!"

Cat said...

OH! Rogue. I guess I need to turn in my nerd card...I was thinking Storm. But I wouldn't mind looking like either one of them, to tell the truth. They can kick ass and take names with hardly breaking a sweat!

Lillian Connelly said...

This is so funny! My favorite was "You're beautiful. Not as beautiful as me, but pretty good." I guess your kids do not have any problems with self-esteem...haha!

The Third Partier said...

Damn right. You are WAY better looking than that chick.

The Third Partier said...

I also hear that your husband is pretty awesome. 99% of the time.

The Third Partier said...

You're funny, and the kids need more time in
"the yard" busting up stones with tiny hammers.

Also, you'd best be careful lest ye offend:
People who can't grow moustaches
People who don't have laps
People who don't have grey hair
People who don't like the X-men
or
People who don't have a sense of humor.

Nicole Shaw said...

Makes me feel downright giddy over my son's recent observation,"I like your squishy bottom!"

Anonymous said...

Oy. Lately my kid likes to say these types of 'compliments' to other people. Mortifying.

robyn said...

Totally!

robyn said...

I just love how you always manage to work that in somehow. ;)

robyn said...

That's so much fun, isn't it? Every time we're playing bellybutton peek-a-boo (which unfortunately is one of the baby's FAVORITE games) she laughs hysterically every time she sees mine.

robyn said...

Ha! No, my 7yo daughter especially. When she got her long hair cut really short recently, the hairdresser told her, "No crying..." before she got started. Zoe said, "I'm not worried. There isn't a haircut that won't look cute on me." She's not snotty about it or anything - just very confident, and matter-of-fact. :)

robyn said...

Ha! No, my 7yo especially. She's not snotty about it, just confident, and very, very matter-of-fact. ;)

robyn said...

There's always someone, isn't there? Oh well, haha, if they're complaining at least it means they already read the post. ;)

robyn said...

Feel lucky it wasn't written in your Mother's Day card!

robyn said...

Noooo, that's the worst! I always cross my fingers that the stranger has kids of their own - then at least I can tell myself that maybe, just maybe, they've been there themselves.

@dkotucker said...

Haaahaaahaaa...gotta luv 'em! BTW...every ankle-biters parent needs one of your buttons at the top. :D

robyn said...

They sure do! We should put pins on the back and wear them like badges.

Luke said...

Great blog, Robyn. I enjoyed the post. " I'm your only Mom silly!'

Katy @ Experienced Bad Mom said...

Stopping by from Finding the Funny! And i found it here. :) My fav was "You had just the right amount of kids, because your lap is big enough for all of us." Silly, but sweeeeet.

robyn said...

Thanks - so glad you liked it. :)

robyn said...

They always make sure it's sweet enough that my soul isn't completely crushed. ;)

AudreyN said...

Ha ha ha Kids say the funniest compliments

robyn said...

True - sad, but so very true.

Jill said...

That was cute! My three year old told me he liked how soft my belly is and he likes to use it as a pillow. Oh, children's compliments are so...endearing?

Anna said...

so funny, and if it makes you feel any better i get similar "compliments" at my house.

robyn said...

Yes, endearing... Ah, but they're so sincere, aren't they? I don't know of that makes it better or worse. ;)

robyn said...

Thanks - that's ALWAYS good to know. :)

BadParentingMoments said...

My kids just stick to plain old insults. They should actually take lessons from your children. p.s. You're pretty much the best blogger ever.

robyn said...

Why doesn't it surprise me that your kids are the straight-talkin' sassy types? ;)

P.S. No, YOU are.

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