Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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As The Dollhouse Turns - Halloween Special

Episode 10 - Super Special Halloween Special!

Several weeks have passed and there's still no word from Buzz, who disappeared after being bailed out of jail by a man who left only the name John Doe and a fake address.

Sunny has been understandably distraught, coping the best way she knows how.

"His user name is Wolverine? Hmm,
I like the rugged type. Put him down as a maybe..."

In the middle of her therapeutic computer time, the children stomp in. Sunny thought they'd gone to bed, so she's a little surprised to see them.

"Why are you dressed like that?" she asks.

Don't bother me while I'm trying to find you a new daddy.

Charmeuse - the oldest child, and the one whose markered-on ghost eyes look the angriest - replies, "I suppose you forgot it's Halloween. We need you to take us trick-or-treating. Oh, and somebody's at the door. They said they're here for the costume party."

Oh no.

Sunny planned a Halloween party months ago, but with all the excitement it completely slipped her mind. Soon, dozens of adults she guilted into wearing costumes will be arriving and she has no decorations, no costume to wear, no food, and only half a bottle of wine (which she didn't plan on sharing).

Shooing the girls out of the way, Sunny rushes to the door. There, she finds two moms she knows from Chenille's class.

Nothing says "I show up early at parties" like
skorts with tights and a neckerchief.

"Thank goodness," Sunny says. "I'm kind of relieved you didn't dress up - I just realized I don't have a costume!"

The ladies look a little put out. "We ARE dressed up! We're PTA moms!" They turn to each other and giggle at the apparent absurdity of the idea.

Now Sunny's confused; they're wearing the same exact clothes they're always wearing. "But, aren't you actually in the PTA?"

Exasperated, the ladies explain, "No, Sunny - we're in the PTO.  Don't you know the difference?"

They continue to snicker at their own cleverness as they push past Sunny and ask where the food is.

"Oh, um, let me go get it," Sunny stammers. But before she can slip into the kitchen, the doorbell rings again.

I wish you could see this doll in person. So. Effing. Freaky.
"Trick or treat! Fair warning,
you should pick 'treat,' because the 'trick'
is me staring at you with my dead, dead eyes
while I eat your soul."

"Oh my, what a... big... witch you are. Wait right here."

Sunny already ate all the mini Snickers she'd intended to hand out, so she fills a bowl with goodies like travel-sized toothpaste and loose Tic Tacs. "Here you go, honey," she says, returning to the door.

The big witch glares at Sunny and takes a packet of McDonald's ketchup from the bowl. Sunny closes the door, mentally preparing to hose shaving cream off her windows in the morning.

That reminds her, she's going to have to improvise a buffet, too. After a few minutes, Sunny emerges from the kitchen empty handed; it's been a while since she went to the store, and there's nothing to eat but a stale blueberry muffin and a mostly full bottle of mustard. She calls in a quick pizza order, noticing that several more guests have arrived and the doorbell just keeps ringing.

"I almost wore the same thing -
that would've been so awkward," says Beatrice.

"How do you like my costume?" asks psycho babysitter Beatrice, doing a little spin. "I'm a slutty Bride of Chucky! Hey, is Buzz home?"

"Wow," marvels Sunny, trying to think of something nice to say. "The... blood on your knife... looks so... realistic!"

Beatrice just smiles and lets loose a maniacal laugh, which probably should've scared off the next trick-or-treater coming up the walkway.

And just what, exactly,
are we supposed to be?

The girl, claiming to be dressed as "a princess taking the day off," does not look pleased when Sunny drops a few TUMS into her candy bucket.

Soon, the party is in full swing. Everything's going great, if you ignore the fact that all the guests are hungry and irritated that they aren't drunk.

Finally, Betty arrives. Sunny called her earlier to see if she could stop at the liquor store.

"Oh, this? This isn't a costume, it's just
the cleanest lingerie I could find in my glove compartment,"
explains Betty, as classy as ever.

"I thought you said you were bringing booze," says Sunny.

"Oh, I drank it on the way over. Sorry. I forgot you needed it - I was distracted by meeting Ted in the beer aisle."

"Who the hell is Ted?" asks Sunny, more than a little stressed that she has a house full of people but no other ingredients for a party.

"Oh yeah, meet my new boyfriend, Ted," Betty says, gesturing to the man outside. "I don't mean to brag," she continues in a loud stage whisper, "but he's pretty rich."

"Nice to meet you," says Sunny. "I love your costume - you really look like an actual old geezer!"

"Thanks," says Ted. "But I'm not wearing a costume."

Mercifully, one of the kids interrupts. For once, Sunny's grateful for her children's repeated attempts to prevent her from ever having an adult conversation. "You still haven't taken us trick or treating," her daughter whines for the tenth or ten zillionth time.

Just then, a slutty lumberjack arrives.

"Welcome to the party. When can we expect the rest of your
costume to get here?"

"Hi, I'm a friend of Beatrice's. She invited me, and asked me to bring a sharp weapon for some reason." The girl shrugs. "Where's the bar?"

Sunny slams the door, but within seconds there's another knock.

"Um, weren't you just here...?"

"Don't worry, I don't want any more of your TUMS," says Princess Taking The Day Off. "I just wanted to show my little sister the house we'll be egging later."

Sunny takes the hint, and gives each of the sisters a couple gummy vitamins and a stick of Dentyne. She doesn't want to get a reputation for being stingy with the treats!

In the stunned silence from the trick-or-treaters, the kids see an opportunity to find out if the status has changed since the last time they asked, roughly four seconds ago. "Is it time to go trick or treating yet?"

"Later! And please, keep your sister out of the treat bowl; all that toothpaste is going to ruin her dinner."

Mmm, Colgate is my favorite flavor.

"When are  we eating? We're huuuuuungry."

As if on cue, one of the guests yells, "Someone's coming up to the house dressed as a pizza delivery guy!"

"Finally," says Sunny, relieved. "The pizza is here - the party is saved!"

"Me bring pizza to house. Me like pizza," says Jimmy,
who, in case you haven't been following along,
is supposed to be dead.

The drama continues next time! Until then, please feel free to catch up on previous episodes of As The Dollhouse Turns. Then click the Top Mommy Blogs banner below once for each piece of your kids' candy you plan to eat today. Happy Halloween!

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I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


Abby said...

I would actually LOVE to get Colgate in a trick-or-treat bag, but then again, I have issues and took notes, "Put clean lingerie in my glove compartment." Take it for what it's worth...

Unknown said...

Is it wrong that I am completely wowed by Sunny's hosting skills? It sounds like she threw an amazing bash to me. And handing out McDonalds' ketchup packets? Brilliant. This means I can now go eat all the candy I have saved for tonight.

Kathy at kissing the frog said...

All great series have a holiday special, and yours does not disappoint. I love all of the creative items she is passing out for Halloween "treats." Keep these coming. Love them!!

RobynHTV said...

You can't be too careful - a girl needs to make sure she has access to both clean lingerie and fresh breath at all times. You just never know...

RobynHTV said...

When I started writing, this was supposed to be a huge hostess failure, but unfortunately by the time I was done she'd kicked my ass in the party department.

RobynHTV said...

Thank you so much! If my kids get any of that stuff while we're out trick or treating, I'm so giving that mom a high five. :)

Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said...

I don't know if you realize this or not but this show must be getting pretty popular. I was at the Halloween store the other day and there were a ton of Jimmy costumes for sale.

RobynHTV said...

And I'm not getting a penny in royalties! Hollywood is so corrupt. Or is it Halloween stores? Well, somebody's corrupt. Maybe me.

Anonymous said...

Can I come to the party (while I'm waiting for the book to come out)?

Unknown said...

I am cracking up! That was so funny! Your one-liners were awesome. Love the "Princess Taking The Day Off" costume!

Debbie - Wrinkled Mommy said...

hahaha - Very funny story. You should come visit my blog sometime. I use these dolls to illustrate my parenting and marriage stories.

Mackenzie said...

LOL, the slutty lumberjack. "Umm where's the rest of your costume?" What's funny is that is a typical costume at the store. When did every costume become "naughty" or "slutty" ?

Sue said...

Slutty Lumberjack. Heh.

About the only costume that hadn't been sluttified yet. Good call.

Sue - The Spin Cycle said...

Slutty Lumberjack. Heh.

About the only costume that hadn't been sluttified yet. Good call.

LA Botchar said...

*sniff, sniff* awww, holiday specials always get me all weepy and sentimental. Poor Slutty Lumberjack, her mama doesn't care enough about her to make a whole costume. she's probably cold....cold as ice.
Can't wait for the drama at Thanksgiving!

RobynHTV said...

Absolutely! I'll Photoshop you a costume right up - which kind of slutty thing would you like to dress up as?

RobynHTV said...

Wow, this from the Crowned Queen of One-Liners - thank you! :)

RobynHTV said...

Ha, those are funny! I like them up against the real-life backgrounds, and you hiding behind your husband when that bottle came in the mail - priceless!

RobynHTV said...

Too true - it's almost impossible to find a non-naughty costume these days. "Sexy Watermelon?" Yup, it's a real thing now.

RobynHTV said...

Yeah, it wasn't easy to think of something that hadn't been through the slutification process. ;)

RobynHTV said...

She probably is! Sunny should've given her some Pez or something to put some meat on her bones.

The Third Partier said...

I can't stand it anymore!!!!! It's like the X-files, when they'd take a week off for a black and white musical Young-Frankenstein-meets-deformed-Cher-aficionado Halloween episode and you'd have to wait another week to find out why the Cigarette Smoking Man was so fond of Mulder.

Why don't you just tell me where the hell Buzz is? And what is up with Jimmy and Buster? Also, Betty's boyfriend really does look like Ted Turner. Or Carter Pewterschmidt.

I loved the Slutty costumes. Of course, the stores bill them as "Sexy" or "Naughty." Whatevs. There's nothing sexy about watermelon.

Plant Seeds of Happiness said...

Holiday drama is so great....you brought Jimmy back ohh I can only imagine who his hook up is going to be from the party. Good thing her kids love colgate it is cheap mine hate it LOL please pick up your award from my blog :))

Unknown said...

OMG! Jimmy is back! I thought he was dead! This is getting good. Not that it wasn't already, but now I'm REALLY dying to know what happens next.

RobynHTV said...

Trust me, you know as much as I do. About this story line, that is. Other stuff, not so much. ;)

RobynHTV said...

You're so sweet - thanks!

RobynHTV said...

I sure hope I can think of something by next week, then! ;)

The Frazzled Mom said...

Oh, LOVE the lingerie in the glove compartment!!

RobynHTV said...

Thanks! I would like to say, however, that I do personally not keep lingerie in the car. Unless it's date night.

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