Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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They like me - they really like me!

Well, I don't know who "they" is, but at least one person seems to like me, and that's Reanna at Rock the Single Life, who has graciously given me the Kreativ Blogger Award, which is awesome!  If you've ever wondered what my internal dialogue sounds like, Reanna's blog comes pretty close, with about 45% more genital references and edginess, plus stuff about being single that I only vaguely remember because Gerry and I crinkled up all the memories of anything that happened before we got together and torched them, but with all the swear words that I think inside my head but refrain from typing out because there are only so many f-bombs my mom needs to hear from me (roughly zero) - but she can't make me stop thinking them!

Nanna nanna boo boo.

Reanna, being my kind of gal, changed up all the rules of the award and gave her recipients free rein to do the same.  Since I'm lazy (hey, it's supposed the be my Very Special Day, anyway) here's the list of rules as stolen directly from her blog:

  1. Thank and link back to the awarding blog. **Yeah, that’s just good blogging etiquette. But if I have to ask for thanks, I totally chose the wrong people.**
  2. Answer seven questions. **Answer any questions you feel like answering, not necessarily the ones I answered here. Like: What’s your favourite condiment for a face-eating? How awful would a vodka/broccoli smoothie actually be? Why did Gene Roddenberry think a onesie was the style of the future?**
  3. Provide 10 random factoids about yourself. **Share some random facts, theories, or stories about anything that you think would be funny to your readers.**
  4. Hand the award on to 7 deserving others. **Pay it forward, but se7en is just a number… do with it what you will.**
End quote.

Okay, I already have the first one taken care of, so here are my answers to seven questions, some of which I stole from Jen O. at My Tornado Alley (I'm stealing questions,  I mean - but maybe the answers, too) because by coincidence she also recently received this award and I like her post better than this one of mine which I haven't even finished writing yet.

1. What is your plan if the world ends in 2012?

Hopefully the world won't go up in one instantaneous poof, because I'll have extra time to get stuff done if it's more of a slow, agonizing downward spiral akin to the experience I have while watching The Bachelorette.   OBVIOUSLY I'm going to have Gerry make me a big sandwich, which is not a euphemism, because he makes really good sandwiches.  Oh, and I'll hug the kids, blah blah blah.

2. What is your biggest fear?

In real life, of course the answer is something bad happening to my children.  Also in real life but something that's slightly less real, my other biggest fear is the girl from The Ring.  Because she is messed up.

3. What's the most frustrating part of your day?

I liked Jen O.'s answer to this one, which was, "The part where I’m awake."  But if I must be more specific, I also get frustrated when I'm torn between blogging and playing with my kids, partly because of the obvious Bad Mommy Points I get for not picking my kids hands-down, but also because the kids refuse to learn how to blog as a way to take an interest in my hobbies, which is pretty selfish if you think about it.

4. What do you do when you're upset?

I live in a constant state of Somewhat Unbalanced, so "upset" is all relative.  If I'm sad-upset, I usually ugly cry.  If I'm mad-upset, I usually do the dishes.  Note:  It's next to impossible to wash dishes angrily without breaking some of them.  Or most of them.

5. Do you ever allow your children to appear foolish for your own amusement?

No, never.  I never do that.  That would be wrong.

6. What childcare activity could you do without?

Besides all of them, I would pick bath time. Ugh, what a bunch of rigamarole. It's a two-hour commitment to having children in various stages of undress in a revolving bathroom holding pattern of slipperiness and mildewed bath toys and, "Mommy, he's looking at my butt," and lies about whether or not they've actually washed their hair. Usually I just skip it and spritz them with Febreze.

7.  Are you having trouble coming up with a seventh question?

Yes, thank you for asking.

And now we come to the 10 random facts about me.  I know, you could hardly wait.
  1. I used to play clarinet but I quit, mostly because it was hard, but also because my fingers are double jointed and would lock onto the keys, which really only worked well for songs with one note.
  2. Oh yeah, that reminds me - my fingers are double jointed.
  3. I totally didn't mean to steal that from Jen O., but that was one of her factoids too which I just realized when I was checking to make sure my links were linked to the correct links and read her post again, which she probably won't believe and will cause her to reinstate the restraining order she has against me.
  4. When I quit band I joined choir, which I liked because I didn't have to use my fingers.  But now I'm grown up (sort of) and nobody plays SingStar on PlayStation anymore, and I never got around to becoming Pat Benatar, and everybody pretends like karaoke isn't cool for some reason, so my family is stuck listening to me sing all the time.
    Here I am in my madrigal costume for choir.
    If you don't know what a madrigal costume is,
    that means you probably got more dates in high school than I did.
  5. I need someone to come over here and teach my baby how to sleep in her crib, because I appear to be incapable of doing it myself.
  6. I hate Pop-tarts, but I just ate one anyway, because I love sugar.
  7. In addition to band, I also quit Brownies (junior Girl Scouts - too cliquey) and tap dance (too dancey).
    That's me in my tap dancing outfit,
    which my mom made BY HAND, including
    sewing the sequins on individually, which
    she'll tell you about herself with very little prompting.
    (hehehe - just kidding, Marma - you're awesome!)
  8. I once had to stick my hand in a drain full of goat poo to unclog it when I worked at the zoo.
  9. I decided to become an English major in college when my first professor told a story about going insane due to sleep deprivation while writing his thesis.  This struck me as way cooler than anything my high school teachers would have told us about.
  10. Apparently I'm not good at coming up with the last item in a list, because here's the second time it's happened in this post alone.
So since I'm selfish and also afraid to forward awards, I'm going to pass on passing this on, considering I've sucked all the life blood and power and Award Awesomeness from it anyhow and left it little more than a husk of a 2-dimensional graphic.  I'm sorry to anyone out there who might've been hoping against hope to receive it, but alas, Hollow Tree Ventures is a Blog Award graveyard. 

MAJOR UPDATE: While I was composing this in-depth self-psychoanalysis for your viewing pleasure, CJ at Food Stories nominated me for this lil' beauty.

The Illuminating Blogger Award is doled out to Ultimate Queens of the Universe (I'm paraphrasing here) who provide "informative, illuminating blog content," (not paraphrasing) and by nominating me CJ might be opening herself up to scrutiny from the men in white coats, which makes me appreciate it even more.  I also appreciate the timing, as it coincides with me having already followed all the award rules with my acceptance of the Kreativ Blogger Award, so if you don't mind please re-read this entire post so I'll be in compliance.

SECOND MAJOR UPDATE: In perhaps the finest example ever of my procrastination intersecting with convenience and then crashing into a giant pile of awesomeness, while I was (still) not finished writing this post another kind blogger, Janice of Janice's Footsteps, presented me with yet another award!  CAN YOU BELIEVE IT???  Probably not, because I can't.

It's an honor just being nominated, but regretfully I'm probably disqualified because its rules do not  coincide with all the stuff I just typed, but I fear you're already maxed out on random info about me and probably stopped reading a long time ago anyway.  If any of you are still reading, then consider yourselves nominated for all these awards, and also please be my new best friend(s).  Some day I'll answer all the questions that go with this award, and then all our lives will be complete.

A sincere and humble thankyouverymuch (Elvis Lip optional) to Reanna, CJ, and Janice for the lovely and much-appreciated awards.  I eagerly await the arrival of my cash prizes.  Hello?  HELLO?

Well, it was worth a shot.

Please feel free to give in to peer pressure and show me some love by clicking the banner below to vote for my blog - one click is all it takes to add a cherry to the top of this warm and fuzzy ice cream sundae!
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Nicole Leigh Shaw said...

This is perfect: "I hate Pop-tarts, but I just ate one anyway, because I love sugar."

Jen O. said...

My Top 3 Favourite Parts About This Post are:

1. I never thought about just spritzing my kids with Febreze, which is brilliant and I might just use that because UGH...BATH TIME.

2. It was like a tidal wave of awards coming at your face which you deserve because you're the best ever and you're pretty and you make me LOL all over the place.

3. The number of times you said my name. Which may or may not have had something to do with my enthusiasm in #2.

EMily said...

...tap dance "too dancey" ha! I suppose your mother didn't warn you about that? AND...my husband just stopped buying pop tarts and bought bagels instead? Now I'm going to have to eat spoonfuls of sugar on top of my bagel, instead of the nicely packaged sugar INSIDE the pop tart. This is going to get messy.

RobynHTV said...

Thanks! I hear the funniest things are true, and that sure fits the bill. ;) sugarsugarsugarsugar

RobynHTV said...

Jen O., Jen O., Jen O., Jen O., Jen O., Jen O., Jen O.!

Is that all it took??? Keep those compliments coming! (I almost said, "Keep #2 coming" in reference to your comment, but I bet you can tell why I changed my mind.)

RobynHTV said...

That sounds like a really inefficient way to eat breakfast! Maybe you can get the sugar to stick on the bagel with syrup.

Cat said...

YAY FOR YOU!!! Three awards in one day? I thought you would have to be like, Peter Jackson to have that happen.

Whoa. You're totally as cool as Peter Jackson. And while he makes a pretty good movie, I am willing to bet that he wouldn't make me laugh quite as much as you do. Congrats!

RobynHTV said...

Well, not quite in one day, since I took so long to publish this. It's more like if Peter Jackson waited until now to collect all his Acadamy Awards and Golden Globes at once - that'd be a big day, and not recommended since his mantle would probably crack off the fireplace when he got home. Peter should really get a blog - our awards are much easier to display.

RobynHTV said...

Oops - I meant to just say, "thanks!" :)

Paige Kellerman said...

I shall accept all of your hypothetical awards and thank you for not actually tagging anyone today. You and I dancing on the same wave length. Especially the part about not enjoying the part of the day where we're awake...because that's the part where my two year olds are trying to jump off the stairs and onto a very flimsy comforter, thinking it will break their fall and not my insurance deductible.

RobynHTV said...

Ha! I used to do the Nestea Plunge off the couch onto a pile of stuffed animals, which absorbed my fall about as well as a 4-ply stack of Quilted Northern.

Gah, that's an awful lot of product placement for a non-sponsored comment... Enjoy your awards as I drive off in my new Toyota Prius (with parking assist!) and drink my Coca Cola.

in bed with married women said...

If you're taking votes, I vote that maybe you could add, like, 15% more genital references. But then I have about 543% more genital references so perhaps I'm not the best person to advise.

RobynHTV said...

Hahahaha! I think your estimate might be a little low - it suits you beautifully, though. ;)

Stacey said...

Well of course they like you, because you are completely likable! Except when you're doing dishes in an angry manner, probably not so much then. But no one's perfect. ;)

RobynHTV said...

Why, thank you! The nice thing is that when I'm really mad there end up being fewer dishes to wash, and having fewer household chores always cheers me right up!

Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said...

I bet that vodka/broccoli smoothie would taste pretty good if you got rid of the broccoli.

just keep swimming said...

I know what a Madrigal is and I had a number of dates in high school because I was like the girl from American Pie "One time at band camp..."

Congrats on the multitude of awards!

Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms said...

We at the Sisterhood just beat your procrastination. We are writing our own blog award acceptance post and had you as one of our nominees, but alas that ship has sailed for you so we'll just give you honorable mention with no strings attached. We are also going to pretend that you named us Queens of the Interwebz so we can call it even.

Excuse me while I go spray Febreze.

Marianne (Mare) Baker Ball said...

What a hoot! Awards are a bit silly, aren't they? Kind as they are, it's a lot of stuff to write about yourself. People already know about you b/c you're writing your life on your blog. I think we women just like to share and have sparkly boxes on the sides of our blogs. It's like decorating our house. :-) Congrats!

Plant Seeds of Happiness said...

You are totally likable (I said that valley girlish) and I think with so many questions attached to the awards we can get over loaded but...I now have found that there is that here and there we answer a question that maybe just maybe we haven't wrote a whole paragraph on YET so we get to know eachother better :)) ah warm fuzzy. Come on seriously as moms, daughters, sisters, and even friends how many opportunities do we have to be HONORED with an award silly or not?? ENJOY and know YOU ARE LIKED ALOT!!

The Third Partier said...

1) i'll play singstar with you any time you want, baby. you know how i like getting slaughtered at something i think i'm good at.

b) quilted northern? couch? i once sledded down the stairs. why? it was summer and i wanted to go sledding. bit through my tongue. landed in a noisy heap spewing blood from my mouth. sorry for aging you ten years in ten seconds, mom.

III) sparkly boxes? isn't that what the vagazzler is for?

4) i'd have asked you out. that madrigal outfit is HOT HOT HOT. we could've gone to the renaissance fair and nerded it up good.

Reanna said...

Awesome post, Robyn, and congrats on the plethora of awards! The reality of my sterilization is that I picked f-bombs over germbags. I'm satisfied with my decision. ;)

No cash prize. I spent it on a skateboard today. But I guarantee the disaster to come will be absolute gold for everyone else if I live through it.

LOVE MELISSA:) said...

They like you because you are awesome! That is funny that you do dishes when you are angry. I wonder if I can pick this up! I HATE dishes!!

RobynHTV said...

Yeah, and replaced it with more vodka.

RobynHTV said...

Ha! So you were THAT girl, eh? :)

RobynHTV said...

You ARE the Queens of the Interwebz without question, and I humbly bask in the glorious approbation of your honorable mention.

I'm not 100% sure that made sense - I'll have to check my thesaurus.

Thanks, and congrats to you in advance!

RobynHTV said...

Yes, I always get a little (a lot) self-conscious about writing these posts. I'm pretty sure nobody cares about what I looked like in my Animal Crackers costume, but there you go - none of you can un-see it now! ;)

RobynHTV said...

Thank you so much! You're right, we ladies don't often get recognized or appreciated for the things we do, so these awards are always a treat. :)

RobynHTV said...

1) You know you rock SingStar, which is why you're always willing to play and kick my buns on Paint It Black.

b) Sounds like a great idea to me. Except for the part where you bit your tongue off.

III) Ha!

4) I AM a nerd, because that sounds like fun. I'd have said yes, but then we probably never would have made it to the fair ;)

RobynHTV said...

Thanks, and thank you for the award! I love the f-bombs - they're dropped regularly around here, except we have to make sure the germbags aren't around, which I'll admit is a pretty major hassle. ;)

Good luck with the skateboard! I'll be living vicariously through you, as usual. :)

RobynHTV said...

Thanks! I think I do dishes because what I WANT to do is storm out of the house and slam the door, but that's immature (I've been told) so I can only get as far as the kitchen. ;)

MOV said...

31 comments! Well, I will pile on, even though now it is not the same as my favorite ice-cream brand.

First, congrats on all the awards!!! Yay!!! That is awesome, and much deserved.

Second, here is my favorite quote, the childcare activity you could do without: "Besides all of them, I would pick bath time." HA!

Now, on a serious note, I will teach your child to sleep in a crib. We had this issue with our younger son. Put baby in the crib, awake (him awake, you don't have to be very awake). Sit down on the floor next to the crib (or lie down, see above), and tell Baby "I am right here." Hold his little hand thru the crib slats if you have to. He will stand up and pitch a fit. Tell him you love him and to lie back down. He won't. Get up, pick him up, lay him back down. Repeat as necessary, 150 more times.

This works, and only take 3 days. You think I am joking, but it is the method in the "Baby Whisperer" book, and we did it and it works. Kid is 6 now and sleeps through car alarms (oh, did I forget to say his crib is in the car?).


RobynHTV said...

I'm relieved to hear I don't have to be very awake - Ha! Thank you so much for the advice; I'll have to run that by the husband. I'm pretty much ready to try anything at this point, but him... Not so much. I'd have to wait for him to be out of town for 3 days, or knock him out with tequila. We're going to have to try something, though, or I'll go sleep in her crib myself!

Motherhood on the Rocks said...


RobynHTV said...

Thank you!

Your sophomore promdate said...

Congrats to the awards. Your blog is being read across the Atlantic

EMily said...

I did not think of that. You. are. a. genius.

Marianne (Mare) Baker Ball said...

I thought tap was too dancey too. We're so smart. I got two awards in one day, but you really ARE the award queen. Congrats on doing such a great job - I enjoyed reading all of it. :-) And I'm now exhausted. :-)

RobynHTV said...

There's certainly room on the Award Queen throne for both of us, especially two tap school dropouts. :) Thanks for hanging in there until the end of the post!

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