Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Your Pants Are Puzzling on a Global Scale

Gerry recently bought some jeans at one of those stores that claim to provide Majorly Huge Discount Close-Out Prices.  I won't say which one, though there might only be  one; I wouldn't know, since the last time I went clothes shopping it was to pick out an acid wash denim jacket.
Shut up, they were in style at the time.  You know you had one too,  and it was probably covered in buttons proclaiming your eternal love for Duran Duran.*  Like mine.
Yes!  A vest!  Even better. (source)
*Editor's note: JD at Honest Mom commented (below) that the band reference (above) should  be The Police instead of Duran Duran, and she was so right that I had to add this correction.  Because I'm obsessive like that.
Okay, we'll discuss 80s fashion and the horrifying fact that it's starting to come back in style at another time.  Right now, I want to tell you about the $300 pair of jeans Gerry just bought, and why I find them so unbelievable.
Other than the price.  $300?  Really?

Of course the Major Discount Store's price tag said "$16.99 - Compare at $32.99!" so methinks perhaps the Close-Out Price of $16.99 was due to a tag misprint at the Dinamit Original Golden Jeans factory.

So, I was examining the jeans (he wasn't in them at the time, pervs), and maybe it was because the pockets are studded (!), or maybe because the dye felt like it was going to rub off on my fingers, but something made me check the label for special laundering instructions.  That, my friends, is when things got interesting.
Finally.  I know.
I included a picture because no one in their right mind would believe me, but let me share what's printed on the label so you don't have to strain your eyes.


Say what?   This just in: Job opportunity for excellent qualified proofreader at Dinamit Jeans Company - you will really enjoy of the benefits package!  Well anyway, there's another label sewn immediately adjacent to this one; perhaps that one will clear things up.

Um, no, that's just a summary of the label right next to it.  Not sure what the purpose of that is, but whatever...  Maybe I should check the back of the first tag?

Gah, that's no help, it's written in Hebrew!  What about the back of the other one?

Ah ha, now we're getting somewhere!





There we go, that explains everything!  Except no, it doesn't.  Actually, it only raises more questions, such as:

A) When did China start importing denim from Italy?
2) What makes the denim so "rare?"  Are Italian Cottons an endangered species now?
c) Is Dinamit a misspelling of Dynamite, or Dammit?  Because I feel sure it's one or the other.
IV) Is the laundering symbol "P with a slash through it" supposed to warn us not to pee in the jeans?  Is that what they think we do with our pants?  Is this in any way related to them being the Golden Jeans Destination?
5) You guys didn't think I knew Roman numerals, did you?
F) What's the purpose behind China using Italian denim to make jeans for export to the U.S. and Israel???  I smell a global conspiracy of some kind.
And just in case, after hearing all this, you're suspicious (like I was) that the Dinamit Original Golden Jean Co is totally made up, here's a screen shot from their website.  As you probably guessed, it features a woman in purple leopard print stretch jeans awkwardly lounging against a gigantic cement orange, with an artistic rancid pumpkin/festering boil-themed backdrop.


And people, it doesn't get any more real than that.


Hey, one more thing before you go running off!  Speaking of clothes, which sounds like a really contrived segue but doing that on purpose would've required me to be both clever and organized and I am neither, I posted last week about Team Cool Kids, among other things, and as usual the comments were twice as entertaining as the post, which is one of the reasons I love you guys so much, and now I'm going to end this sentence before it gets any longer.  In the comments we determined that creating a Team Cool Kids t-shirt should be a matter of national priority, at least twice as important as the economy and the Health Care Debate combined.  I've never been one to let my country down, so hereyago.

Team Cool Kids shirt - take 2
Head not included.
  Team Cool Kids shirt - take 2 by HollowTreeTees  

Then Shannon, to whom I would link here but her comment didn't have a link (sad face!), said something that I immediately knew needed to be on a shirt, too, because it's my new motto.

I suck at team dynamics T-shirt
Will look great under a blazer
at your next interview.
 I suck at team dynamics T-shirt by HollowTreeTees

Wearing this shirt to work could really help you avoid a lot of unnecessary conversations and nosey questions from your boss, like "Why haven't you turned in the TPS report?" and "Where were you last week?"  You can find these suckers at Hollow Tree Tees, which is just getting started and has some fun stuff going on, as described on the About page of the shop, which I could cut and paste here but I know your eyes are already tired from all these run-on sentences.

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This post is linked up with Finding the Funny #18!

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Anonymous said...

Ha, I love it when I find discounts due to these sort of mess ups! We get a lot of the rejects here - and as long as the problem is just on the tag - then it's such a good find! It does sort of make me wonder why they couldn't just replace the tag... but then, companies these days are all so complicated - I'm sure it would go against one of their billion rules.

sporkgasm said...

I so needed this laugh this morning, so thank you. Gotta love Chinese resellers who get denim from Italy, run them through Jerusalem, then tell you in broken English how to take care of the product. Not complicated at all. No wonder they're $300.

shannon said...

Laugh out loud (a couple times)post today, thank you so much!...My old boss got me a set of those chimey awesome harmony balls when he was in Shenzhen, China and the translated instructions were like three pages long and the last sentence reads "Please to try my happy balls"....and dude, seriously?! best.tshirts.ever. so gonna buy 'em both, and punch I mean HUG my teenager when he says, Team Cool Kids, yeah right....

RobynHTV said...

I can't resist a deal, either! Sometimes I wonder how companies can make any money selling their stuff for super-cheap to a wholesaler because of a little mix-up, but then I remember that it's the same reason stores can have "90% off" sales - because their clothes are marked up eleventy billion % from cost to begin with!

RobynHTV said...

I know, it's the age-old story, isn't it? All that importing and exporting and poorly translated tag printing really drives up the price.

RobynHTV said...

No, thank YOU! And thanks for the laugh, yourself - I was already laughing when you said your BOSS got you some chimey balls. A) NO, boss, NO, and B) aren't those for stress relief? Wouldn't it have been a better gift for your boss just to make your job less stressful?

Glad you liked the shirts - let me know if you need me to make one that says "I punch teens for sport." ;)

The Third Partier said...

hey baby - i needed the laughs, too! and thank you for having the good sense/taste/dumb luck to obscure my pants size from the photo. i'd hate to have to say i was on the "my wife blogged my pants size and so now i have to lose ten pounds" diet/workout program... mostly because that is ONE LONG NAME for a program. i feel like my fingers have already lost a couple of ounces just typing it.

Vanessa said...

What is that orange blob in the background? I keep looking at it, and the longer I look the weirder it looks. Is it some sort of space alien fungus? Why do those round blobby things look like they have nipples, and who stole the ones that left those gaping holes?

Stacey said...

For $300 I think you should be able to pee in them and then have an Italian/Chinese/Israeli be stricted to the wash for you.

Also, those are the most artistic festering boils I have seen all day.

Motherhood on the Rocks said...

Totally something my husband would buy! lol

Robyn said...

Love the shirts. Especially the team dynamics one!

Sanstrousers said...

The shirts are great. The website background made me vomit a smidge.

just keep swimming said...

You really do get what you pay for, don't you? And I'm with Trucking Tumbleweed. If I want to pee in my new jeans, then I will pee in my new jeans. Unfortunately, it sounds like with this new pair all the blue dye would coat my thighs and reveal my secret. Damn, cheap, can't pee in them without everyone knowing about it jeans!

RobynHTV said...

There is NOTHING wrong with your pants size - sheesh! However, I hate to break it to you but if typing really aided in weight loss I'd be able to wear pants that weren't 15% spandex.

RobynHTV said...

HA! :) I'm almost at the I-have-to-contact-the-company-because-I-NEED-to-know level with that background. What is it? Where are they? And most importantly, WHY would you take a picture of that??? It's hideous.

RobynHTV said...

I couldn't agree with you more - as a matter of fact I'd be tempted to pee in them just because they said I couldn't. That'll show 'em!

I like how the boils have small twigs growing out of them. Awesome. The model looks like she's in the opening scene of a horror movie, Attack of the Giant Diseased Tongue, and she doesn't yet know it's - right - behind - her....

RobynHTV said...

Heehee! I can't say for sure I wouldn't have bought them, too (though not for $300) - if I could ever find a pair of jeans that fit, I think I'd have to get them no matter who made them, as long as they'd never been anywhere near that rotten melon backdrop.

RobynHTV said...

Good stuff, right? ;)

RobynHTV said...

Hopefully the shirts made up, in small measure, for the horrendousness of the background. But probably not. It's pretty horrendous.

RobynHTV said...

I know, that's my least favorite quality in a pair of jeans - an inability to mask my incontinence. Useless junk!

Paige Kellerman said...

I love that you're selling shirts! Team Dynamics got me because it reminds me how much I dis-like my old job and all the stupid, stupid activities they made us do. Why didn't you sell this shirt back when I needed to make a statement at my "Co-workers Become Co-Supportive, Now Let's All Break and Talk About Our Boss Behind Her Back" team meetings???

RobynHTV said...

Ah, I remember those meetings with a fondness that festers in my heart to this day. Please call me if you'd like to talk about old bosses - I'm not sure I'm finished talking about mine. Go team!

JoAnna said...

Ah yes, the rarely seen but often heard about RARE Italian denim. Shhhh, speak softly or you'll scare them away. It's translating like this that always lets me know my students used a bad translator and they're always shocked that I know. Always. Cuz how can the internet do it the wrong way??? Excellent post, found you at finding the funny.

RobynHTV said...

Ha! That made me laugh, because kids ALWAYS think they've outsmarted you, don't they? And they always trust the internet. My son is working on a project and wrote that Mars is 225 km from Earth because he looked it up on the internet. Um, I'm pretty sure they left out a "million" in there someplace.

JD @ Honest mom said...

I am shaking with laughter at your description of the girl lounging on the cement orange.

Oh, reading your blog is so much more fun than writing a boring white paper for my client. Want to write about server uptime for me? It would be much more amusing if you did it.

PS - Duran Duran? No way. THE POLICE.

RobynHTV said...

Server uptime? What DON'T I have to say about server uptime? I've just never had an outlet before for all my thoughts and feelings on the subject.

Eh, just tell them you sent them the report already, but they must not've gotten it because their server was down.

P.S. Arg, you are SO right! THE POLICE!!! I've truly never been so tempted to go back and edit a post before... I think I'd better...

Jester Queen said...

I love whacked out labels. We once bought an electric air pump to inflate our air mattress, and the instruction manual included a helpful diagram showing us NOT to put a banana in it. It didn't seem to be a sexual reference. It was a picture of the air pump with a picture of a half peeled banana headed perilously close to the air output valve. Only the banana had been saved because somebody drew a big red X over it.

Shannon said...

So this morning (finally, payday...sheesh) I ordered my Team Cool Kids shirt...I want them both but I try to curb online shopping and next to Red Bull, irony is my kiddie crack, so...the reaction I get when I wear it will determine the next shirt I need to have...for all I know it may need to read 'My Link to Immortality is a Douchebag' (which I mean in the most loving way possible OF COURSE, back off mom!)

RobynHTV said...

I'm an idiot - I just deleted my own comment.

In summary: Don't be alaarmed, but I'm totally in love with you now. Due to the cosistent awesomeness of your shirt ideas, I've made a place for you in Team Cool Kids as the President of Creative Development & Red Bull Consumption. For your latest t-shirt idea, which I totally heart, I gifted you the key to the executive washroom and a private jet, but then I had to take the jet back because I'm not sure if blog comments are legally binding. Blah, blah, blah, then I think I told you I love you again and blubbered a little. :)

RobynHTV said...

NO, you have to be kidding! I love that so much that now I have to go out and buy every air pump I can find, just to check the instruction manuals. Don't those kinds of things always make you wonder about the law suit that must've led to that warning being added? It almost makes me want to try it, just to see what would happen... On a related note: Mom, can I borrow your electric air pump?

Pish Posh said...

Wow. Just wow on so many levels :)

Great photo too. So now we need a proofreader AND a better photographer/locations team. Festering pumpkin indeed.

RobynHTV said...

Yes, it would appear the Dinamit Golden Jeans Co is a rather low-budget operation, despite the high cost of their product. I guess that's what happens when you never sell anything. :)

Shannon said...

~snicker~ totally not alarmed, reading your lovely nonsense sometimes makes me feel like you might be my sister from another mister, so which one of us should feel threatened? thank you for the lovely sentiment, regardless :) I very much appreciate the status bump - I have often found myself thinking that my Red Bull drinking would make their worst commercial ever as I'm sitting at a corkin' desk instead of like break dancing like a boss or leaping motorcycles off buildings like rock star Travis Pastrana, but NOW I can be like "Red Bull's my JOB, yo"

Unknown said...

So if the proofreading gig is a paying one, I think I might have to consider it...how cool would it be to say you worked for a Hebraic jean company??

RobynHTV said...

By all indications they don't pay very well at all, but the cachet of the job description "Proofreader at obscure Hebraic jean company" could be worth it. One thing's for sure, that's replacing "balloon animal artist" as my go-to fake profession when talking to strangers in boring social situations. ;)

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