Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Thanks For Asking

A lot of people turn to innerweb search engines in times of need.

Maybe they're looking for guidance, or medical advice, or the name of the song that's stuck in their head.  But whatever the reason, they open their trusty search engine of choice, and type the words that they hope will reap an answer to their innermost, burning questions.

Sometimes those words make total sense.  These are the times when the system works, like when you need to know if Desitin is on sale at Target, so you type something like, "cheap rash cream Target," and up pops a bunch of stuff that may or may not be helpful, but somewhere near the top of the page is the link you need.  Problem solved!

It doesn't matter much that, taken out of context, the phrase "cheap rash cream target" sounds a little deviant.  That's not your problem - the search engine doesn't judge you.

On a note that sounds unrelated, but is  related and you'll see why in a second, bloggers often enjoy stalking reviewing their statistics pages.  One of the stats the computer tells us about (drum roll, please... do you see where I'm going with this?) is a list of search terms that brought people to our blogs.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes the situation's pretty clear, like when the search term is the actual name of your blog.  Other times, not so much.

Lots of bloggers do posts about these oddball phrases.  Some, like Abby at Abby Has Issues, might shrug their shoulders and list the phrases (such as "Popcorn you make in your pants") for our amusement, having no idea  how Google could've led these people to her blog.  Others, like Kim at Let Me Start By Saying, can actually trace these weird searches back to the posts she wrote that caused the Google connection, even when the Googler was looking for something - ahem - relatively obscure, such as - another ahem - "Elf Masturbating."  And still others, like Paige Kellerman at There's More Where That Came From, take it upon themselves to individually address the queries indicated by the Google search terms, in case those misled souls who got directed to her blog looking for guidance regarding "being ugly doesn't bother me" should come back again, looking for answers.

Because I'm feeling generous today (translation: the baby is taking an extra-long nap), I thought I'd take the latter approach.  In doing so, I hope I might assist someone who accidentally got directed to Hollow Tree Ventures when they needed help, and instead of answers were disappointed to find the uninformative drivel I normally provide.

1. cereal shaped in retainer
Good question, reader!  I was lucky, I never had braces or a retainer, so I can't speak with real authority on this one.  However, depending on the brand of cereal, you'll probably want to soak it in milk first to make it more pliable, then sort of mash it into the retainer and let it dry.  I wouldn't recommend using Cap'n Crunch, though - everybody knows that junk tears up the roof of your mouth.

2. eating eggs
This one seems fairly straight forward.  Open your mouth, take a bite of egg, chew, swallow.  (Editor's note: Even if this answers your question, I feel like maybe you still need some help.)

3. wishes Pokemon were real pie chart
I'm glad you brought this up, because you obviously know how much I love pie charts.  I didn't have one that specifically fit your request, so I whipped one up.

4. sarcastic comments
Boy, I bet when you got directed here you got totally bogged down by the sheer quantity of sarcasm you found.  You're probably still wandering around the blog, dazed and overwhelmed.  Maybe you can find the person who Googled "subliminal wording;" you two could probably be friends.

5. beef jerky jokes
Hmm, I don't know any beef jerky jokes, but for you  I'll take a stab at it.
How do you make beef jerky?
Scare a cow! 
I know, that was terrible.  I apologize to everybody for that one.

6. shut up and smile
Okay, that sounds more like a command than a question, and kind of a rude one at that.  Still, not bad advice for most people.

7. as I do more laundry nudists seem less crazy
I'd like to know who Googled this one - that's borderline profound.  But a word to the wise: Try not to be more witty than the blogger.  We have very delicate egos.

8. dreams about hollow trees
Now that's more like it!  ::pats self on back::  Very flattering, assuming you aren't the same person searching for "boobies" and "disney princess underwear," in which case I'd like for you to please honor the restraining order and stop dreaming about my blog.

That's it for now, folks.  I hope this answered everyone's questions, or at least didn't make you feel funny about sharing the same reading space with people who Google weird stuff like that.  But hey, I'm not judging.

If you got here by Googling "where can I click to vote for HTV to be a Top Mommy Blog," you've come to the right place!  How about let's all click below, to make these marvelous and good-looking voters feel welcome?
Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

Linked up with Finding the Funny #16!

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


sporkgasm said...

I came over from Abby's blog and I am slightly distraught that I now have ANOTHER blog to follow. :)

I love these kinds of posts. My favorite search for my blog so far has been, "rest stop chest tattoo." I know why it brought people to my blog, as I have talked about my chest tattoo. But now I also want to know what a rest stop chest tattoo is. I know what I'll be doing today.

Unknown said...

Haha! I've gotten some doozy's here lately. Some of them made me question if I'm sleep blogging some disturbing things in the middle of the night. SC-ARY!

Abby said...

I have done three "Word Search" posts about my search terms and have another in the works that includes "Squirrel wearing a thong getting a speeding ticket." It's fun ;) People are so weird.

RobynHTV said...

@sporkgasm I know the feeling (What??? More to READ???) but I'm so glad you're here - thanks! :)

"Rest stop chest tattoo" is a good one - I shudder to think about the sanitary conditions at the rest stop tat parlor... :)

RobynHTV said...

@Delilah, seriously! omg if sleep blogging is a real thing I'm going to have to restrain myself at night with copious amounts of duct tape. I can't let the whole subconscious loose!

RobynHTV said...

@Abby, they certainly are. And so oddly specific... I hope people check out your archive Word Search posts, too - sooo funny! Can't wait for your next installment!

just keep swimming said...

You had me at "pie chart"
Hilarious as usual!
I currently only have one google search phrase pulling people in (man stabbing family car decal) and I know exactly why they are coming my way. I should be afraid.

shannon said...

Ha, maybe it's just me, but the beef jerky joke made me laugh pretty hard. I blame it on growing up with Beavis & Butthead and never losing the dorky love of laughter. But anyhoo, thanks for the it. BTW, linked to you from thebloggess.com and agree with sporkgasm (um, possibly best name ever) on my ever growing list of blogs to read, but totally worth it...

RobynHTV said...

@Swimming, is there anything pie charts can't do?

RobynHTV said...

@shannon I blame Beavis and Butthead for making me think of Cornholio every time my kids ask me to bring a new roll of TP to the bathroom, so I understand. :)

It makes me all smiley that you linked here and liked it - I sure hope you stick around! (And yeah, "sporkgasm" is a pretty awesome name.)

The Blue Orchid of Texas said...

Damn if you are not so helpful! Nice job on the pie chart too. You know you got me thinking (it happens) about people who find my blog through searches. I mean, am I drawing an inordinate number of people who are looking for exotic flowers in Texas perhaps? Does that mean that I'm exposing some really sweet people looking for flowers to the mind tangling influences of my own special nuttiness and may receive invoices for therapies? Probably not your average sexual adventurer anyway unless they are perhaps erotically drawn to flowers. Anyway, good food for thought sista.

RobynHTV said...

@TheBlueOrchid I'm nothing if not thought provoking. Or just provoking.

Paige Kellerman said...

LOL...the pie chart totally got me. Ten extra points to you for making said pie chart. Your readers are way luckier than mine. It's one of my favorite pastimes looking at search terms. I love that we can do something worthwhile with it. I'm looking at you Mr. "nude and loving it".

RobynHTV said...

@Paige it sorta makes me want to try getting funny search terms by writing a bunch of nonsensical perverted garbage! Oh wait... ;)

Sanstrousers said...

I found this effing hilarious. But as I have been stricken with a fever (that I am somehow going to say I caught from your posts about having a fever,) I can't think of anything funny to say. Good job, woman!

Alison said...

Haha! I LOVE looking at search terms in my stats. Makes for a totally good laugh.

Love the pie chart!

RobynHTV said...

Ack, I forgot to post-fever sanitize the blog! I'm so sorry - the germs are really piled up around here. Please feel free to dampen this post with cool water and hold it against your forehead until your meds kick in. :) Hope you feel better!

RobynHTV said...

They certainly make me laugh, too! Laugh... and then scratch my head... and then curl up in a ball and hide from the other humans, lest I run into "naked babies holding hands" at Target or something. :)

Unknown said...

HA! I think my favorite is "beef jerky jokes". Beef jerky is some funny stuff, isn't it? I loved your chart, too. So perfect! Thanks for linking up with us over at #findingthefunny this week!

RobynHTV said...

I had no idea just how funny beef jerky was until that person came looking for jokes about it, so I learned something that day (cue The More You Know rainbow). Thanks for hosting Finding the Funny - it's always such a good time!

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