Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Ding Dong the Tooth Fairy's (Almost) Dead

Jake had a wiggly tooth driving him bonkers for quite a while. He tried everything to get it to fall out, short of what my brother used to convince me to do when I was little, which was tie a string from my tooth to a doorknob and then slam the door. (Oh, how many tortured moments of my youth were spent cringing by the basement door, mouth open, eyes squeezed shut, waiting for my brother to fling the door closed and rip my entire jaw out of its socket?) I still don't know if that method works since I always chickened out, but I don't intend to ever let my kids test it.

As a last resort, Jake decided to brush his teeth really hard... and out popped the tooth. So to review, yes - he cleaned his teeth, which is what I always tell my kids they have to do or else their teeth will fall out, and that's what made his tooth fall out. Anyway, he was pretty relieved.
This is where I should put the obligatory photo of my child posing with his bloody tooth and his mouth agape, showcasing the pulpy, disgusting spot where the tooth used to be. But I would never do that to you. You're welcome.
I used one of my old business cards (Finally, they serve a practical purpose!) to fashion an easily-located-under-the-pillow envelope into which he could insert the tiny chunk of calcium that was once part of his face (I mean, his adorable tooth). Last time, I nearly lost all circulation in my arm trying to oh-so-gently  feel around under his pillow; I never did find that tooth, so I had to just leave the money and make up some story about how the Tooth Fairy must've decided to let him keep that one.

Not this time!

While I dug through the junk drawer in search of tape to hold my Tooth Trapper (patent pending) together, Jake was daydreaming (emphasis on the "dreaming" part) about how much money he was going to get.

"What if I looked under my pillow in the morning and there was, like, fifty bucks under there?"

"That'd have to be quite a tooth," I dodged.

"I bet if I found a giant dinosaur tooth and put it under there I'd get about a million trillion dollars," he theorized excitedly.

"Well, the Tooth Fairy's been doing her job an awfully long time. I'm willing to bet she'd know the difference between your tooth and a dinosaur's." Where's that stupid tape?

And then he said it. "Or maybe the Tooth Fairy is you."

His voice came from behind me, jovial, almost... smug? No, not smug, but certainly confident. My Parenting Clock slowed time down so I could think. Are we there already? He knows? But he's only ten! Well, he's clearly ready, and he's probably already at least 80% sure he's right about his guess. Maybe it's time to let him in on the secret, tell him it's his job now to help make sure the magic continues for his sisters for a few more years... My hands fumbled around in the drawer, hoping Jake didn't notice my elongated pause, the fact that my search for tape had become WAY more animated and theatrical as I stalled.

What I came up with was a squeaky chuckle and, "I wish  I were the tooth fairy - what I wouldn't give for a sack full of cash and random kids' repulsive teeth. Hahaha! Oh look, here's the tape!" I finished making the envelope and turned around. If Jake wanted to press it further, it didn't show.

It was a golden opportunity, an opening to seamlessly transition to the next phase, a chance I can only hope  I have in regard to Santa Claus one day. But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't confirm his suspicions, couldn't let him through that first door that leads to the relentless progression called Maturing To Adulthood. I withheld his rite of passage, just for a little while longer. He may be ten, but he's still my little boy, and this Tooth Fairy isn't quite ready yet to give up her wings.

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


The Third Partier said...

if i spill the beans to him does it mean we don't have to pay him for his discarded calcium anymore? or does it mean we have to pay him MORE to make it look like we're not cheapskates? or do we consider any further payments "hush money?"

Abby said...

I have nothing new to add, as I loved "Third Party's" comment so much. I think he's on to you...hush money, indeed.

Cynthia said...

Laughing out loud! I am a teacher. I taught first grade for a decade. You have no idea how many arguments I have settled because one child got fifty cents and another got twenty bucks for that precious piece of calcium. Parents really have no idea what elementary teachers really deal with.

RobynHTV said...

@ThirdParty, I'm sure whatever we choose to do will end up being the most expensive option.

@Abby, yeah, it's about to get pricier than ever around here. I can't wait for the Knowing Looks I'll get from him whenever his sister loses a tooth and announces how much SHE got.

@Cynthia, I can't imagine what you could tell a 1st grader that they'd find satisfactory. I've said it before and I'll say it again, teaching has to be one of the toughest jobs EVAHHH. Also, TWENTY BUCKS??? I'd pay $20, maybe, if my kids only had one tooth between them. Otherwise, not so much.

Kimberly said...

Please don't steal my teeth.
I almost blew the whole Santa Claus thing for my nephew. We were all unwrapping presents and I said something like "We were so stuffed from Christmas eve dinner and we couldn't eat the cookies Chunky gave Santa, so we let the dog eat it. He dosn't know any different"
And my nephew caught on!

RobynHTV said...

@Kimberly - ha! That totally sounds like something I would do! :)

Stacey said...

One of the best things about childhood, is the delusions. (No need to put the Anbesol in my toothpaste, move along.)

RobynHTV said...

@Tumbleweed - hear, hear! It's one of the best things about adulthood, too!

Elvera Matos said...

You better watch out! Your kids might find out the truth earlier than you want them to! He's pretty smart for a kid to have thought that you are the tooth fairy. Anyway, it’s a good thing you remind your children about their oral hygiene - it's their right to know that.

RobynHTV said...

@Elvera I live in fear of my children learning things without my express permission. Good oral hygiene? Yes. Truth about Tooth Fairy? Not yet.

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