Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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The Silver Lining

I was unable to blog yesterday because (as I'm certain you'll want to know) I was in the throes of a violent stomach flu.  I've always been of the strong opinion that there is nothing - nothing  - worse than the stomach flu.  Well, nothing as far as temporary illnesses go.  I'm not going to pretend like the stomach flu is worse than being eaten by a bear.  Although if you'd asked me that yesterday, I might not have been so sure.

However, I'm always one to find the silver lining in any situation (hey - no laughing), so I've decided to come up with a few things that are  worse than the stomach flu.  So the next time you're "calling Ralph on the white courtesy phone," keep it in perspective by thanking your lucky stars you don't have any of these  issues to deal with.  Or maybe you do, in which case... yikes.  Sorry about that.

Methemoglobinemia (Blue Skin Disorder)
Just like it sounds, this is a genetic disorder that causes (you guessed it) blue skin.  Or, you can get it from exposure to certain drugs or chemicals (I feel the U.S. National Library of Medicine is disturbingly vague about which drugs and chemicals those might be; I'm going to need you to be a bit more specific than "certain antibiotics" when we're talking about something that could potentially turn me into a Smurf).  A similar condition, called Argyria, is caused by accumulation of silver in the body, like this guy:

It is not to be confused with this

which is a temporary condition caused by being born a blueberry.

Walking Corpse Syndrome
Yes, it's a mental disorder which makes the sufferer believe that he or she is dead, also known as Cotard Delusion.  It is not to be confused with the disorder that makes you wish you were dead, which is known as the stomach flu.  My favorite part about my Exhaustive Internet Research on this topic was finding the Walking Corpse Syndrome Official Website, which I foolishly thought would be some kind of a support group or research collaborative, but instead appears to be the home page for some wanna-be goth band.  I say "wanna-be" because immediately under their song list, which includes such charming titles as "Rotting Silence" and "Mr. Jangles," is the notice: Hoody on sale!  Let me tell you, guys - it's difficult to come off as brooding and tough when you're hawking hoody sweatshirts.  And besides, $36.00 is a total ripoff.

Alice in Wonderland Syndrome
Although it sounds marvelously magical, AIWS causes incorrect size perception, often making the sufferer think their body parts are larger than normal (yeah, that's  my problem) or making other objects appear to be smaller than normal (like when you open your 401K statement).  If diagnosed with AIWS, the good news is that your eyes are totally normal!  The bad news is, your brain is messed up.

Saint Vitus Dance
This ailment is characterized by quick, awkward jerking motions of the face, feet and hands, which must resemble dancing because it's named after the patron saint of dancers.  Not very flattering, if you ask me.  However, based on the description of the symptoms I think I know someone with an acute case of Adult Onset St. Vitus Dance.

Okay, so there are just a few things that are worse than the stomach flu, although if you were in the middle of a bout of flu I still think you'd trade it for any one of these things in a hot second, at least until you could manage to think about Saltines without retching.  I'm getting there.

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


The Third Partier said...

speaking of 401k, did you see my statement? i didn't know it was possible to have a negative balance in your retirement fund. :/

i just found a solitary little o-shaped piece of cereal under the keyboard. :DDD

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