Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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And the nominees are...

Looks like it's Award Season again, and while most Hollywood celebs have their sights set on an Oscar or a Golden Globe, some are campaigning for a somewhat less glamorous but even more important prize: Father of the Year.

Brad Pitt showed up at the Palm Springs International Film Festival Awards Gala (yeah, it's a real thing) on the arm of Angelina Jolie (or maybe she  was on his  arm - it's hard to tell who's supposed to be the trophy with those two) walking with a cane.  A cane?  you ask.  What gives?  Well, judging by the coverage this bombshell got everywhere from the New York Post to The Hollywood Gossip, Brangelina must've told every. single. person. they've rubbed eyeballs with about Brad's Courageous Story.  It seems that during a skiing excursion over the New Year's holiday, Brad slipped while carrying one of his fifteen or so 3-year-old daughters, and in the process of trying not to squash his kid or cause her head trauma, he managed to tear up his knee.

Hurry up, Ang!  I think I see a member of the human race
who hasn't yet heard about what a HERO I am!

Actually, I suppose they were being fairly down-to-earth about it, as Angelina oozed, "Every parent will stand in the line of fire for their kids.  So it's a normal thing."  (Editor's note: I'm unclear on what connection Angelina Jolie has to the Normal World, but I'll give her a pass and assume she read about it in a book somewhere.)  However, it quickly devolved into what Cafe Mom so aptly referred to as a humblebrag; Ang went on to tell the story about how the sacrifice to one's own personal safety is truly no big deal because she once smashed up her elbow while rescuing one of their other kids from injury, and when asked if Brad has used his injured MCL to get out of helping with the housework, Ang gushed to E! online, "He's not that kind of guy.  He does everything still."  (Editor's note: I call shenanigans.  I do not for one second believe that either one of them has any earthly idea where their own vacuum cleaner is kept, as it's probably housed in the Servants' Wing behind the diamond polish and the microfiber shammies used by The Help to shine humanitarian awards.)

Well, la-dee-da.  So you're telling me that you two manage not  to hospitalize your children, AND you keep the house tidy?  I don't know how you muddle through; I scarcely have time to toss my kids down the stairs and avoid trampling them on the bottom landing as I leave for my Red Carpet Movie Premieres.  Usually, when I clumsily fall while carrying one of my kids, I try to use them to cushion my fall because, after all, they still have all that pillowy baby fat.  But I can see the error of my ways - you are truly an inspiration.  However, Brad, Dad of the Year isn't quite in the bag yet.

Enter the competition: first, a father in Johannesburg who woke up to find himself on fire (yes, you heard me correctly - he was on fire).  After dousing the flames on his own body, the man rescued his pregnant wife and then reentered the burning house, sustaining further injury, to bring his 3-year-old daughter to safety.  The home, which they had purchased the previous day, was completely destroyed.  (Editor's note: Brad, you might have a leg up on this guy (no pun intended) because he's technically not helping with the housework like Ang claims you are.  But in his defense, that's partly because they put him in an induced coma while he recovers.  And also, because he no longer has a house.)  Brad isn't worried about his chances against this nominee for other reasons, though, as Brad himself wouldn't have bothered to extinguish the flames on his own body prior to saving his family, rebuilding the home out of recycled Popsicle sticks, writing and starring in a movie about the ordeal, and then adopting that Johannesburg kid.

Secondly, there's the Ipswich father who was taking his 7-month-old daughter for a walk in her stroller (he gets ten Father of the Year Points right off the bat for that) when they were attacked by two neighborhood dogs.  The dogs started by venting their aggression on him, but when the baby started crying she became the focus of the animals' attention.  To protect her, the father had to put his own hands in the dogs' mouths so they would bite him instead.  Pretty brave, Brad, don't you think?  The wife, however, was unavailable to provide unabashed praise on his behalf in an Angelina-type fashion, due to the fact that she's not speaking to her husband after he told the media, "I'm just so thankful that it was me out there and not my wife - I'm not sure how she would have reacted to what happened."  Thanks for the vote of confidence, honey.

OK, I'm falling behind in the polls.  I'm going to need
some of you kids to run over to the neighbor's house and try to get
bitten by their dogs - I'll be along shortly to save you.

And finally, like Brad and his fellow nominees, there's another father (this one in Albuquerque) who saved his child.  However, he didn't take a tumble on the slopes - he dove into ten feet of sewage to keep his son from drowning.  Yes, out on a family walk, this man's 5-year-old son got a few paces ahead of his parents and fell into an open manhole full of sewage.  Full of sewage,  I said.  Without hesitation, the father dove in after his child and, after rescuing the boy and bobbing back to the surface, they were both pulled to safety by the boy's mother, who (we can assume) was not even wearing rubber gloves at the time.

Luckily the boy is fine, but the father has been to the emergency room several times due to some persistent kind of bacterial infection, presumably from JUMPING INTO TEN FEET OF SEWAGE.  I have not read any reports wherein the father waxes poetic about how it's "all in a day's work" for a parent to jump into an open manhole filled with human excrement.  No, instead of drumming up interest in his Father of the Year prospects, he's foolishly squandering his energy on trying to get the City of Albuquerque to put covers on the manholes in the area, which they won't seem to do, opting instead to just "[advise] residents to stay off the street."  Thanks for the tip.  I think I'll just avoid Albuquerque altogether, if there's still a chance my children could unexpectedly fall through the ground into a cesspool of waste.  Still, Brad's probably not too worried about his competition.

Signed, Benjamin Button

So all in all, Mr. Pitt, I'm not saying you won't win Father of the Year.  There are at least a few other fellas out there who manage to take care of their kids, although admittedly it is probably tougher for you with the distraction of hot cocoa waiting at the ski lodge and Award Galas dividing your attention.  But on the off chance that you don't win, please remember, it was an honor just nominating yourself being nominated.

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


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