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Tragically Un-hip - Part 1

As you know, I openly admit to being pretty out of the loop as far as trends are concerned; it seems like only yesterday that I was in on all the latest fads, but in reality I'm too busy yelling at kids to get off my lawn to pay any attention to what's currently cool.  Since some part of my brain pulled the emergency brake a while back and lodged itself firmly at Age 23, and in doing so has deluded itself into thinking it's still part of the In Crowd, occasionally my frontal lobe has to slap that part of my brain around to bring it back to the reality of its chronological age and the fact that it's now 2011, lest I find myself humming The Bangles' "Eternal Flame" in public or convincing myself that an over-sized flannel would look "rad" paired with leggings.  So as part of that reality-check effort, here's a list of things that I'm too out of the loop to understand and fads I'm too old to pull off - and yes, this is Part 1.  You didn't think I could fit all of it in one post, did you?  Full disclosure: most of the following things I'm only aware of because I accidentally heard something about them on a commercial before Gerry had a chance to press the mute button.  That's how un-hip I am.
1.  Zoomba  Huh.  It's spelled Zumba.  THAT'S how little I know about it.

For those of you who, like me, get your cardio primarily from high-stepping over toys you're too lazy to pick up, Zoomba Zumba is an exercise craze.  It claims that you can "party yourself into shape."  Lie!  I know this is a lie because the only calories I burned the way I used  to party came from walking between bars without my coat on, and the only way I party now  involves too many cupcakes to be weight-loss friendly.  I'll admit it does look like fun, but I fear I'm too creaky to try it without requiring supportive garments, a spotter, an elaborate pulley system, a new rider on my life insurance policy, and absorbent clothing so thick it would be movement-prohibitive.

Unrelated: On a lark, I looked up Yo Gabba Gabba on the computer after I put the caption on the above photo.  Here is Maddie's reaction to seeing the video that popped up on their website.

That can't be healthy.  She looks like she's absorbing wayyyy too much of that nonsense.  But that's a whole different topic...

2.  The word "sick," as it refers to something really cool.

"Sick" used to be pretty straightforward, and just meant that you weren't feeling well.  These days you could say, "I'm sick of that sick sick making me sick," and to SOMEBODY that would make sense.  Old people don't like it when familiar words suddenly start being used as nouns, adjectives, and  verbs.  With all these new words and acronyms, we get nervous that we're going to say something innocent and it'll have some horrid unintended meaning.

3. Skinny jeans

I'm sorry, I know lots of you out there love these, but we already did  this in the 80's and I thought we all agreed to stop, partly because it discriminates against us pear-shaped gals.  Well, technically I guess in the 80's we had pegged jeans, which is as close as we could get to skinny jeans back then, apparently before the technology was invented to actually make jeans more narrow at the bottom.  I hear rumors that Katie Holmes is trying to bring pegged jeans back - Katie, don't you dare.  Just because you're bored while your husband runs for Scientology Pope doesn't mean you get to orchestrate a fashion coup.  It looks stupid, and you know it.

4. Tweeting

I know, I know, "But it's so coooooool."  I just don't understand why anyone would need to know about it when Miley Cyrus wishes Britney Spears a happy birthday in 140 characters or less. I don't even need to be informed when someone I actually know  is doing something; if you're tweeting what you had for dinner, I'm sorry, but I don't care, and if you're tweeting that something really important is happening, then for God's sake you can tell me about your childbirth experience LATER.  Besides, we already have too many ways to keep in touch - email, Facebook, texting, the phone.  Hey, remember the phone?

Okay, I'll level with you - the real reason I can't get into Tweeting is because it's exactly the sort of thing that, if I learn how to do it, I'm afraid I'd get addicted.  I had to open a Twitter account to sign up for Pinterest (yet another Time Sucker), and even just briefly glancing at the Twitter site I can see I could easily spend 80 hours a day e-stalking celebrities.  A few tweets:
Lack of knowledge is my Achilles’ knee.  Jim Gaffigan
One advantage of having 4 little kids is there is always one screaming. Wait, that’s not an advantage.  Jim Gaffigan
July 20, 1969 I remember "Men Walk On Moon" headline as a kid and thinking,"Was that planned? Or did they just catch two guys up there?"  Jerry Seinfeld

Before you know it I'd be tweeting, "You go girl" to Maya Angelou and accidentally re-tweeting inappropriate Sarah Silverman quotes to former employers.  Let's face it, the last thing I need is a new way to waste time and publicly humiliate myself.  So maybe Twitter doesn't truly belong on the list, but I'm including it anyway even though my ignorance of its workings is self-imposed.

5. Gluten-free diets

Studies show that 92% of people don't have any idea what gluten is (probably), yet 3 million Americans are allergic to it.  I can't help but notice that nobody was allergic to gluten a few years ago, but now you can't legally take any homemade treats within 100 yards of a public school because you'll set off a cascade of gluten/peanut/lactose/shellfish allergic reactions that all the EpiPens in the world can't contain.  All this allergy hype has made trends like the gluten-free diet popular, though the Nutrition World lost me after the low-fat diet craze, followed by the Cholesterol-free Diet, followed by the No Wait, Go Ahead and Eat Eggs phase, followed by the Just the Whites Are Fine But the Yolks Cause Tumors advisory - I'm at the point now where I don't even know if my food contains half the stuff its not supposed to contain, so I'm just going to assume it doesn't.  I'll leave the worrying to FAAN, The Food Allergy & Anaphylaxis Network, which is an actual, real thing which just goes to show you that now there are so many things we aren't supposed to eat that it makes old people like me tired.

Well, I suppose I should just be impressed with myself that I've learned how to operate this computer-majiggy.  More things I'm too uncool to understand and fads I've only barely heard of in the next installment!  And let me know of any trends you might have missed the boat on - I can't be the only fuddy duddy out there...

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


Dad said...

Sorry I can't help you... I gave up on fads when my disco ball broke, but maybe you can help me. If you can explain this new thing with eight legged cephalopods camping out in the financial district of New York. It makes no sense to me...

Christy W. said...

Just so you know, I'm reading this while wearing my tragically un-hip flannel and leggings as "Doctor Feelgood" is playing on an episode of Bones in the background. Yeah, I haven't outgrown 1992 yet....Thanks for the laugh!

RobynHTV said...

This has now become my favorite go-to 1992 mental image. He's the one they call Doctor FEELgood, he's the one who makes you feel alright... Crap! Now that's stuck in my head.

For the record, since writing this post I've become totally addicted to Twitter, as predicted. I still don't get Zumba, though. Thanks for being here!

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