Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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High Fashion

I can't claim to be a girly-girl.  As an adult, I never owned any pink clothing until I had a daughter of my own.  I never learned to properly apply make-up, so I don't bother to wear any (unless you count Carmex as lip gloss).  My hair is zero-maintenance; I do own two hair dryers, but they're both so old they have to be crank-started and neither one actually produces warm air.

So it should come as no surprise that I do not - under any circumstances - wear high heels.  In addition to the non-girly-girl thing, I'm also about 5'9" and not really interested in being any taller.  I understand they're considered very feminine and supposed to make your calves look like they were sculpted out of marble, but I don't care.  And if the fashion world is trying to change my mind, they're doing a terrible job.

Really?  For all your fancy scuba occasions?  Have you ever tried walking in regular, no-heel flippers?  They make you look like Charlie Chaplin with a skeletal disorder.  I can't imagine adding heels would contribute much in the way of elegance to that scenario.

Look, I have enough trouble making these contraptions operate without stumbling headlong into the pavement.  Let's not make it more complicated by trying to wear them upside-down.

Nope, fail.  Classic case of two wrongs not making a right.

Come on.  A) They're ugly.  B) They appear to be partially composed of small construction cones.  C) Which is ugly.  D) She stole Santa's purse.  E) You cannot tell me, based on the way her body is painfully stooped over in an arthritic fashion, that her feet don't feel like they're having electric shock therapy administered by knife-wielding piranhas.

Oddly practical in a completely impractical way.  Unfortunately I always forget my whole-person-sized umbrella when it rains, so the kids would have to huddle under my shoe-brellas as we dashed from the grocery store to the car.  Except whoops, I forgot, you can't hurry in heels, they're built strictly for sauntering.  So we're going to be quite a sight there in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot - at least as I sashay toward the car for the first three steps, at which point I'll trip over one of the kids.

This is about the only way I could hope to stay upright, if I ever did wear heels.  Then one day I could graduate to these, the geriatric grandmother of all high heels:

Um... no thanks.  I'll stick with my flip-flops.  They might not make my calves look fantastic, but then again...

Sigh.  Is nothing sacred?

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Billie said...

oh my goodness Robyn i laughed so hard when i read this post.. you are a hoot ! i miss you !

Nicole Leigh Shaw said...

Love these pictures! The things people do with shoes. My goodness.

I can't decide which is the worst, a testament to the stunning atrociousness of them all.

RobynHTV said...

Nicole, I can't pick a least favorite either. I mean, I'm not as into shoes as some people, so I don't claim to be the leading authority, but I'm pretty certain they're all crimes against nature.

JoAnna said...

Wow, you really got me going on this one. That shoe with the bugs is DEFINITELY two wrongs not making right. I love your thinking! I do wear heels, but nothing like any of these. I dont' even understand how the one with the heels under the toe even works. How is she even walking???? People are so ridiculous when it comes to shoes. BUT I have an issue with flipflops.... so might not be able to be real life friends.

RobynHTV said...

Sparkling, I understand. My husband has been trying for years to get me to upgrade my shoe wardrobe, and has managed to get me into some cute replacements for the flip flops. Still can't do high heels, though... I promise if we ever do become real life friends, I'll wear a decent shoe. Probably. If we're in public. :)

Unknown said...

Those shoes are cracking me up!! So WEIRD! I'm also 5'9", but I do like to wear heels sometimes. My husband is 6'3", so I'm still not taller than him with them on. I don't wear them for long, though. (Thanks for linking up with #findingthefunny!)

RobynHTV said...

Good for you, Kelley - I'd rock the high heel too, if I could! It's my feet that're the problem - I can almost hear them screaming in agony if I even think about wearing heels. Maybe I'm doing it wrong...

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