Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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The Day So Far

I'm trying to make myself feel better about the fact that I haven't cleaned under the pedestal sink in the bathroom since 1982, so instead of dwelling on my abysmal housekeeping I've decided to focus on the things I have  accomplished so far this morning.

  • Maddie woke up at about 5:30.  I spent half an hour pretending like I believed she might go back to sleep, at which point I went ahead and got up.  I'm not sure what zombies act like when they roll out of bed, but however they behave, I was acting like a cranky version of that.
  • Until I looked at her.  You really can't be cranky when you look at Maddie, not even when she's on Round 211 of her favorite game, Oh Look I Accidentally Dropped My Toy, Why Don't You Go Ahead and Pick It Up For Me.
  • Since she had a doctor appointment this morning and her head was starting to smell like a gerbil, I decided to use our spare time to give her a bath (I don't want the doctor to think I don't bathe her - even though I don't).
  • I noticed this, perched alluringly on the edge of the coffee table - the stickiest candy known to mankind.

I assume it was left for me by Gerry, as an apology for a scene that unfolded in my house earlier this week, which I'll have to tell you about later.
  • Time to wake Jake and Zoe to get ready for school.  As I brought them their cereal, I noticed that the TV had taken a quick break from mind-numbing Japanimation to air a Twister commercial.  My mind boggled at the notion that there are people on the planet who aren't aware of the existence of Twister.
  • Marma rescued me from my horrid time-management skills and took the kids to school.  Before they left, Zoe reminded me that I promised to let her start the dishwasher (Remember when that used to be fun?) so I actually managed to get a chore done.  Gerry rescued me from Maddie's clutches long enough for me to get dressed, distracting her with the glow from his phone.
  • Doctor time.  Maddie was cool until we got her undressed, and she started to get suspicious.  Check out her worried little eyebrows.

Sorry, baby.  There was some crying - in fact, I kind of wanted to get a picture of her angrily glaring right in the doctor's face as she screamed, but I thought that might interfere with my image as a Properly Concerned Mother.
  • I lied to the doctor only twice, and actually what I said was technically true, so it only counts as two-thirds of a lie, or one whole lie at the most.  When asked, "Is she still taking the multivitamin," I replied, "Yeah, we have that," which was my way of saying that yes, we own a bottle of infant multivitamin drops, but I never give it to her because it tastes like room-temperature bile and when she spits it out (and who wouldn't?) it stains everything that comes within two feet of it.  Plus, why do you spend so much time spouting off about how great breastfeeding is if it requires vitamin supplements?

Also, when asked, "Where does she sleep," I replied, "She has a co-sleeper in our room," which is absolutely true, except that she refuses to sleep in it.  The actual truth is she sleeps in our bed, but I can't tell them that or else I'll get The Lecture, because doctors act like sleeping in the same bed with your baby is more dangerous than blowing cigarette smoke in her face while juggling chainsaws and feeding her a deep-fried bacon-wrapped Twinkie.  They'd probably have Child Protective Services over here by this afternoon.

  • Worn out from puncturing the doctor's eardrums, Mads fell asleep in the car.

Despite getting three shots and being told she has porked out at 18lbs 13oz, Maddie has awoken in an even better mood than usual.  I'd better go play a few rounds of I'm Going To Grab All the Laundry While You Try To Fold It before she notices how many packages of Skittles I've eaten while I was writing this, and calls her father to tell him.

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


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