Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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5 Signs You Have a Baby

In my years of experience, I've learned that parenthood can be a tricky business. The answers aren't always clear, even for what seem to be the simplest of questions; for example, some of you out there might not even be sure if you have a baby living at your house, which can make parenting even more troublesome. We get busy, or forgetful, especially with all the sleep deprivation we endure thanks to our demanding careers and/or babies screaming all night long, and suddenly you find yourself wondering, "Wait, wasn't there a tiny person around here someplace?"

Before you go searching the backyard and feeling around behind the refrigerator for a baby you might not even have, I've put together this easy test to help you determine if, in fact, you are the parent of an infant.

1. Look down at your shirt, and determine into which category it falls.
    A) It is clean, fashionable, and neatly pressed; I just put it on this morning.
    B) It's wrinkled and could probably use a wash, but it doesn't smell TOO bad and is (relatively) stain-free. It may or may not have a few holes in it.
    C) There are 5 or more stains, concentrated mainly in the shoulder regions; no more than two of the stains originated from something I was personally eating. I don't remember when I put it on, but I do know I've slept in it for at least two nights.

A: You are not a parent. You sound very polished and well-rested, and I hate you.
B: You are not a parent, either - it sounds like you might just be a slob. Pull yourself together.
C: Congratulations! You have a baby.

Personal hygiene isn't as easy after you bring home a baby - most of them don't care much for hanging around in the germy bathroom while you clean yourself up, and they're universally terrible at folding laundry. Bathing is essentially out of the question; not long after my daughter was born I took a much-needed shower. Then she cried because she no longer recognized my scent.

2. What do you do when it's time for dinner?
    A) Hop in the car - there's a new sushi place only a half hour from here!
    B) Go to your well-appointed gourmet kitchen that is fully stocked and sparkling clean, and whip up a nutritious, delicious meal for your family. You eat together at the dining room table, which does NOT have a view of the television.
    C) Go to the kitchen, where there's plenty of food for side dishes but you forgot to put any meat in the fridge to thaw, so all the ground beef is hard as a brick. Realizing you haven't eaten all day, you get out a box of crackers and stand at the kitchen counter, trying to think of something to make for dinner while eating crackers until you aren't even hungry anymore. Later, at about 10 PM, you will supplement your cracker feast with food that was left on other people's plates, which you sample while you load the dishwasher. You don't remember the last time you sat down to eat.

A: You do NOT have a baby, unless you're that couple who takes their baby to restaurants and are the only two people there who don't notice she's screaming her head off. You don't have older kids either, because they would never agree to try sushi, nor would you think sushi was worth the effort of packing everyone in the car to drive an hour round trip.
B: I'm sorry to inform you that you are fictional. And I hate you.
C: Congrats on having a baby! Or an eating disorder. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.

3. How would you describe the color scheme of your home decor?
   A) Monochromatic and modern - I like things to match, creating a pleasing design using texture and subtle pops of color.
   B) Warm and traditional - I like deep colors, expensive fabrics, and rich wood tones.
   C) Eclectic - The bottom layer of my home decor consists of decent quality, grown-up furniture mixed with cheap college throw-back items, with a thick top layer of random objects that look like several boxes of Crayola markers threw up on them. My home conveys the distinct feeling that an iceberg containing a Toys R Us store recently plowed through my living room, dropping its contents in its wake.

A: You do not have a baby. The only "pops of color" parents get in their decorating are ketchup stains generated when their children throw chicken nuggets across the room.
B: You don't have a baby; nothing parents purchase for themselves can be classified as "expensive" until their children are all out of college.
C: You definitely have a baby. A good rule of thumb: no childless adult purposely has anything on semi-permanent display in their home that boasts eye-jabbingly bright primary colors.

4. What was the most ridiculous thing you recently said out loud to another human being?
    A) "I believe a two-party political system is the best option we have available for our government. Everything in Washington is positively dandy!"
    B) "I'll bet you I can spit on the cat from here."
    C) "Whats-a wrong wif my doodle?  Does my wittle boodle bug have some poopity pants?"

A: There's no way you have a baby. First of all, parents rarely find the time or energy to have political discussions, because they're too busy programming their V-Chips to prevent their offspring from getting warped by accidental Barney sightings. They also just plain avoid the topic, because thinking about politics depresses them with the realization that public schools are all going to be poorly organized crack houses within the next five years, but that it doesn't matter because Big Business is going to explode the environment before their baby gets into kindergarten anyway.
B: I can only hope and pray you don't have a baby. (Note to B's baby: If you're reading this, call 911.)
C: Congratulations - you have a baby! Or you've just suffered a stroke. Either way, you sound like a moron; I should know, because that's exactly what I said to my baby not five minutes ago. There's an unwritten rule that says to talk to a baby, you have to sound like you're only mildly more mentally developed than they are. Unless you're one of those new-age parents who talks to their baby as if they're reading their dissertation to a committee of astrophysics professors. I hate to tell you this, but your baby has no idea what you're talking about, and is not impressed.

5. What is the best time of day for you to unwind, relax, and just have some "you" time?
    A) I like to get up early, before anyone else is awake, to meditate and do some yoga.
    B) When I'm driving - I can organize my thoughts or turn up the music and just cut loose!
    C) I lock the bathroom door and treat myself to a nice, warm bubble bath.

Ha! This was a trick question, none of these people have a baby. Once you have kids, you can kiss "you" time goodbye - no one gets up earlier than the kids, you can't jam out in the car because you're too concerned about blowing out their tiny eardrums before they're teenagers and have the opportunity to do it themselves, and infants are born with the innate ability to unlock the bathroom door, barge in, and announce they want a peanut butter sandwich, no matter how many deadbolts you install.

Well, I hope you found this quiz helpful, and if you determined that you do, in fact, have a baby, I hope she turns up before you have to call the authorities.

Because of course I'm just kidding about this stuff (sort of). Where would I be without my kids? Yesterday when I was sick and looking forward to a long nap with Sick Baby, Zoe came home from school claiming to be sick, too, and was able to inadvertently cheer me up by describing her phantom illness as "a sore throat and headache... and a cough... and tummy ache... and chapped lips." When trying to coax one of us into playing with him, Jake has taken to goading, "Let's go, laaaaadies." Without kids, would I have needed to solve the mystery of why there were three dirty Q-tips in the kitchen sink yesterday? And how can I resist a smiling baby with a runny nose who's holding out her arms and calling, "Mamamama," even if she has sleepily rubbed her eyes and in the process managed to evenly distribute a coating of snot all the way up to her eyebrows?

I can't resist it. Any one of those things is totally worth the hassle of stubbing my toe EVERY TIME I walk past the bouncy seat, or not being able to finish a phone conversation without being interrupted elevendy-hundred times, or being snidely informed, "You don't have to show me how to play - you're not the first person to get Angry Birds, ya know." Because they're so darn lovable. And I can change my shirt after they move out.

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


The Third Partier said...

Robyn, your "5 Signs" posting has made me suspicious that my wife may have had a baby several months ago. How do I confront her about this?

momto8 said...

to funny!!

Unknown said...

This is hysterical and my husband and I enjoyed it while watching our 2yo try to put her daddy's flip flops on while eating a strawberry and building a mega-block structure :) I am your newest follower--I can't wait to see more and laugh! I'd love if you'd stop by and follow me, too: http://redheadedmommycan.blogspot.com/

RobynHTV said...

Jacki O, that sounds so familiar! I only wish I could multi-task as well as a toddler. Thank you so much for following - so glad you're here!

Anonymous said...

Huh. I think I might have a baby. I'm not sure, though, because I passed out halfway through the post, and only woke up because I suddenly felt something wet running down my arm, and I don't know what it came from. It smells vaguely like peanut butter. There is also something small and warm on my foot, but I can see both of the cats, so maybe that's the baby? I think I'll just go back to sleep.

RobynHTV said...

Go ahead and go back to sleep - either way, it sounds like you're going to need all the rest you can get. Don't worry, if you're a parent then before long something will wake you up, either the baby crying or Child Protective Services banging on your door.

Anna at www.mylifeandkids.com said...

Oh how I love this!!! I just shared it on my Facebook page, I pinned it - AND you were one of the most clicked links at last week's #findingthefunny party. We're featuring you tomorrow!

Shiloh said...

Haha, I loved this. I most definitely have a baby. The only problem is my hubby and I were definitely talking politics earlier this week. I'm scared.:)

RobynHTV said...

Wow, Anna, thanks so much! What a great way to start my day! :)

RobynHTV said...

Don't be TOO scared - not only do we talk about politics, but my husband is even running for office now, and no one has taken our baby away (yet). :)

niamh said...

shit... i have a baby :-/ almost was rescued by number 5 because none of those was me...but it was a trick, boo.

Maybe today i'll finally have a shower!?!

RobynHTV said...

Good luck with that bathing stuff - I took a shower a while back (it was my Mother's Day gift). It was incredible. I'm looking forward to next Mother's Day, when I can maybe take another one.

Amanda @ It's Blogworthy said...

#3 answer c? My house. For real. So much primary color plastic...so...much..

RobynHTV said...

HA! I feel your pain - I really was describing my own living room when I wrote that. :)

Vanessa said...

The only thing I want to know? How did I miss this post. Hilarious and I well remember those days of looking in the mirror AFTER I came back from the grocery store and wondering why nobody told me my shirt was covered in food or something. Now it's just the occasional Chapstick meets dryer kind of embarrassment.

RobynHTV said...

I'm still enjoying multiple types of embarrassment, but the most disturbing thing is that I don't even really care if I find out later I was covered in stains in public - my standards are way too low. ;)

Allison @ Motherhood, WTF? said...

This is so good! I'm impressed at being able to write such a funny post AND that many hilarious someecards!

Anonymous said...

I'm reading this at midnight, because that's the only alone time I get. I'll be sorry when the kids wake up early tomorrow.

RobynHTV said...

If you can't say it with someecards, it's not worth saying. Wait, is that their slogan? If not, it should be. Thanks for reading and commenting! :)

RobynHTV said...

I feel your pain! That's why I'm up at 4:30, and why I'll be ready to crawl back in bed just as they're getting up. Thanks for being here!

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