Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Showdown at the OK Corral

I was minding my own business—you know me, I always am—when it happened.

Out of the corner of my eye...what was that? A spider! But not just any spider; I could tell at a glance she was larger and stronger than a normal arachnid, as if transported to the interior of my home from some by-gone era. Not as far back as the Paleolithic Age, maybe—I'm not saying she was prehistoric-sized, only because you probably wouldn't believe me—but she looked bigger than your typical modern-day suburban spider by a wide enough margin that she reminded me of the stout, determined pioneer women who settled the Great American West.

Twice as strong as any man today and three times as wide, these ladies could sharp-shoot a cattle rustler who was still out on the horizon, tame a wild horse with a stern look, strangle a pig and turn it into bacon, all before 4 AM. Yup, this spider was a frontier spider, tough and determined, one who could easily drive a covered wagon across the plains of my living room carpet, a shotgun by her side and a tiny baby spider perched on each of her eight hips. She was off to catch buffalo in her webs and populate the unexplored territories under my couch with her hard-working, serious brood.

She was not to be trifled with.

I ascertained all this information about the spider in a matter of seconds. I also ascertained that my husband was still asleep. Dealing with abomination was up to me.

Get a hold of yourself, I thought. The children are depending on you!

I might have been getting a little melodramatic at this point.

I considered my options. The vacuum? No, I'd never make it back in time, she'd be long gone, probably already halfway finished building her log cabin in the dense shade and privacy of my heating vent. Some kind of deadly spray? No, you can't just start shooting jets of liquid poison around your living space when you have little ones. Squish her with a paper towel? Uh, please. There was no way I was getting that close, with the very real risk of her sweeping my legs out from under me and choking me in a spidery half-nelson, as if she'd wandered into my saloon and I'd underpaid her for some gold nuggets.

I dare you, she said with a scowl, looking back over her left four shoulders and locking eyes with me across the rugged terrain of my toy-smattered living room. That's right, she had facial features—I told you she was big.

We were in a tense stand-off, although she was coolly self-assured as she migrated purposefully toward the coffee table, pretending not to notice. So what did I do? Sure that no one would believe me regarding the girth and sheer muscle mass of this spider, I did what anyone would do: I went to get my camera. Unfortunately, by the time I returned she was nowhere to be found, no doubt settling into her new nest, homeschooling her 10,000 children on how to build root cellars, can preserves, and overtake the natives (that's us).

But let's face it, I sorta knew that would happen. Deep down I think I wanted her to get away, because she has a right to blaze her own trail and try to raise a family in this unforgiving world.

And also because squishing spiders is icky.

I'll let you know if I wake up tomorrow, hog-tied with silken threads and seared on the tush by a tiny spider-sized branding iron.

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


TNMom said...

NO MAAM!! If I see a spider - it dies. (that's a period) I had a stand off with a mouse in my kitchen when I was 72 months pregnant once. I wound up putting a tupperware bowl over it and going to take a shower. I let my hubby deal with that shit. Yeah, I am a ninja when I am pregnant, and by ninja I mean whale.
I laughed so hard at your frontier spider!!! LOL!! <3 Devan

RobynHTV said...

That must've required total ninja skills. I don't think I could pull that off, no matter how unpregnant I am! **shiver**

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