Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Greetings, Comrade!

When I first started blogging (roughly 20 minutes ago in the overall timeline of the Modern Blog Era)...

...I discovered that my blog, or the Internet, or Big Brother, or somebody  keeps track of various inane details about the traffic on my posts.  This would be a more impressive technological feat if my "traffic" were more akin to the Autobahn than a rural country lane, and besides, I rarely allow myself to visit the page that houses that information lest I start to obsess over how many visitors I get.  Okay, I mean obsess more than I already do.  I could just see myself staring unblinkingly at the screen for days on end with red-rimmed eyes, a pathetic yet hopeful expression frozen on my face, waiting for the counter to advance indicating a new visitor had arrived, like a lonely old lady waiting for her beloved cat to actually utter the words, "I love you."  It's a sad fate I'd like to avoid, if possible.

Anyway, it's not like it records who  is visiting (but don't you worry, I have my ways of finding that out... oh wait, no I don't) but it does keep track of random stats like the number of pageviews, which posts get the most visits, and whether you're getting traffic from places like yahoo or Facebook.  It even puts the data into nerdy little pie charts, if you're into that kind of thing.  Which I am.

Then one day, in the corner of the Stats page, I noticed a world map with all the countries outlined.  My little United States was highlighted in dark green, which I assumed was because that's where I am (duh).  Except (duh), one day I saw another part of the map was a very, very faint shade of green.  Wow, I thought, that's one mighty big, very, very faint green area.  So I clicked on the "More" link and learned, to my surprise, that a small percentage of my traffic was coming from Russia!

That's amazing, I thought.  What a small world.

Then I thought, Uh, I really should have recognized that mighty big, very, very faint green area as Russia from the get-go.  And not for the first time, I was faced with the embarrassing reality of what a truly abysmal geography dunce I am.  It's awful.  Whenever Gerry and I are watching Jeopardy and any kind of geography category comes up - European Rivers, Countries of Africa, Midwestern States Starting with 'O' - I completely mentally check out, painfully aware that I have no chance of knowing the answers.  And what's worse, I always feel like, by not knowing stuff like that, I'm somehow personally justifying the worldwide stereotype of us as unintelligent, self-centered Americans.  I mean we are  dumb and self-centered, but no one's supposed to know!  Or maybe it's just me.  Whatever.

So, in the event there really is a Russian visitor here at this blog, I'd like to say, "Greetings, Comrade!"  This experience has inspired me to make an effort to learn a little more about you, since you're out there learning a little more about us - though I should warn you, my rambling on this blog in no way represents what normal, American people are like.  Or if it does, then everybody else around here is pretty good at hiding their dorkiness.  So what follows is a short list of things I've found that our countries have in common...

  • We both have snow.  I don't know about you, but I hate snow.  It decreases people's ability to drive by 472% (real statistic!) and it takes 4 hours per day to cram the kids into their mountain of snow gear just to get from the house to the car.  That's an extra 4 hours per day that, during the summer, I can spend polishing my gun collection, eating Twinkies, and buying convertibles.
  • Who doesn't love a fur hat???
  • You have the balalaika, a stringed instrument played by plucking, which average Russians no longer play in their daily lives but instead is mostly used by professional musicians.  We have the guitar, which is mostly smashed by professional musicians onstage or played by creepy dudes around campfires.  That's practically the same, right?
  • VODKA!!!!  Need I say more?

So there you go.  Maybe it's a glitch in the Matrix causing a Russian viewer to show up, or maybe someone visited by accident.  But if you are out there, thanks for stopping by.  And even if you aren't reading this, I think the rest of us really learned something.

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


kc said...

Um...I absolutely love that map of the world, according to Americans. And, Здравствуйте!

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