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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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31 Weird Things Your Kid Will Try To Eat When You're Not Looking

Much of parenting takes you by surprise when you're new at it. Heck, most of it still takes me by surprise now, and I'm over a decade into this gig.

After reading all the books and talking with friends, I was ready for struggles with food. From the get-go parents fret about whether or not their kids are eating enough. We dice hot dogs and grapes into cubes so tiny they're practically already pre-digested. We obsess over the possibility that the children's poor bones are lacking in calcium, or that our kids will never, ever learn to love (okay, tolerate) vegetables.

However, after all my worrying about what they don't eat, and after months of pureeing chicken nuggets and other choking hazards into beverages, I was surprised by all the disgusting things kids happily will chow down on and swallow whole, without a second thought.

funny list of 31 weird things kids will try to eat, by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV

All it takes is turning your back for a half a millisecond - in fact, by the time you finish reading this article, your very own child will have probably ingested at least 17 of the following things:
  1. vanilla-scented lotion, squirted out like a giant tube of GoGurt
  2. food wrappers, because WHO CAN WAIT until the food's unwrapped?
  3. paper: magazines, stickers, the corners of board books
  4. grass
  5. plastic Easter grass
  6. Christmas tinsel
  7. really, any holiday decor
  8. napkins (because once it has ketchup on it, it's a side dish)
  9. dirt - OMG, so much dirt
  10. snow
  11. dirty snow
  12. bugs
  13. whatever you're trying to eat
  14. hair
  15. other people's chewed gum
  16. deodorant (aka chalky push-up pops)
  17. lip balm (aka greasy push-up pops)
  18. Play Doh
  19. crayons
  20. raisins on the floor
  21. things you hope were raisins on the floor
  22. boogers (frankly, this should be way higher on the list)
  23. kitty litter
  24. buttons
  25. diaper cream (slow down kids, that's not frosting)
  26. toothpaste (getting closer, kids, but that's still not frosting)
  27. glue - the classic kindergarten snack
  28. the edge of the sink, or any gross surface that's mouth-level
  29. the grocery cart handle, or any gross surface they can contort themselves to make mouth-level
  30. pennies they find on the ground in parking lots
  31. everything else
In case you don't believe me, I can attest that my own personal kids have tasted most of the items on this list, except for... Nope, never mind, they've sampled all this stuff at one point or another, although #30 actually wasn't a penny in a parking lot, it was a hex nut on the floor at Walmart, which is probably way worse now that I think about it. My mom will be quick to tell you about the time when I was little and ate a ball point pen, though, so we might be dealing with some genetic weirdness over here.

So what do you think - did I miss anything? Have your kids ever eaten any of this stuff? 


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