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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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We Thought You'd Never Ask - remote control control

You've arrived just in time for the latest installment of We Thought You'd Never Ask, the sarcasm-laced series in which my husband and I debate various burning questions sent in by readers like YOU! If you have an issue or need some advice, leave your question in the comments or send me an email at hollowtreeventures {at} gmail {dot} com. And now, time for the show!


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Let’s set the scene: you’re home on the couch, cuddled up next to your spouse. The kids are asleep. It’s time to zone out have quality time together in front of the TV. Now tell me this - which one of you is holding the remote?

THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT.

I’m guessing this is a marital issue many of us face, so I did an impromptu, completely unbiased poll (of women), and discovered an astonishing statistic: 100% of men hog the remote. That hardly seems fair, does it? So, what do we do about it? Kelley of Kelley’s Break Room wants to know, and so do I!

Robyn: I regret to report that this imbalance occurs in my own home as well, so I decided to use the WTYNA forum to propose a solution - Remote Control Custody Agreements. My favorite programs aren’t any more boring or insipid than my husband's are, so I hereby formally request to have control of the remote at least every other weekend and alternating holidays. I’m willing to be flexible in certain circumstances (during March Madness, for example), as long as the gesture is returned (like during House Hunters marathons).

Stay tuned, ladies - if this goes well, I’ll draft a legal-ish document you can have the authorities serve to your own husbands!

Gerry: Bzzt. That’s a BZZT, as in The Family Feud strike noise, amplified. Speaking of amplified, have you ever noticed how commercials seem so much louder (because they are) than the actual programming you’ve sort of half tuned in to sort of half watch? Yes you have. Because you are a consistent offender in the “doesn’t use remote responsibly” category of remote control offenses - specifically the “oops, I forgot (again) to mute and/or fast forward through the godforsaken advertisements.” The one exception to this rule: The Super Bowl. You may have complete non-remote control of the remote control just as soon as you’ve progressed from amateur remote slinger to full-fledged professional. That means you will no longer be able to compete in the Remote Olympics, but that’s okay, because no one watches those anyway.

Robyn: True, I do always forget to mute the commercials, but that’s because you’ve tuned the TV to something dumb on ESPN that I wasn’t watching anyway. Newsflash: it’s hard to differentiate between the program and the ads when it ALL sounds like one long, overly loud Charlie-Brown-teacher-esque lecture droning endlessly on, and my eyes have glazed over due to my C-SPAN-induced catatonia.

I guess I’ll have to continue my attempts to remotely control the remote via my existing intricate system, per the following chart, which I do not plan on showing to my husband prior to publishing this post.

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Gerry: I don’t even know how to respond to that because, 1) I can’t see the chart you’re referring to. 2) I don’t watch C-SPAN. 3) It occurs to me that the only reason people don’t watch the Remote Olympics is because the man is hogging the remote. You're welcome.


You heard that, ladies! In lieu of a Custody Agreement, just print this out and present it to your spouse as proof that we know that they know that we know they know they hog the remote!

Then, just go back to using that chart up there because, chances are, he still isn't going to share.

Next time, we'll talk about a topic sent in by Kathy of Kissing the Frog: bad habits - what they are (probably stuff your husband does), who decides which habits are bad (you, most likely) and how to handle bad habits in front of the kids. And don't forget to send in your own questions, so Gerry and I can solve all your problems (or just make things worse)!


I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


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