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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Need-to-know info about the Chuck E Cheese brawl

In case you didn't hear, or if you did hear but you blocked it out because it's so stupid, a gigantic fight broke out in a Ft. Myers Chuck E Cheese's a few days ago (slogan: Chuck E Cheese: Where a kid can be a kid! And get shivved in a bar brawl).

Two families - about a dozen members on each side - had a battle royale over some game tickets. Chairs and drinks were flying. A woman reportedly "took the metal thing off the table" and hurled it across the restaurant. Somebody busted out their pepper spray.

Chuck E Cheese's officials are appalled. Zero people were arrested.

Despite this riveting, in-depth reporting from the local news, I find myself with several unanswered questions.

article about fighting at Chuck E Cheese's by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV

For example, are they absolutely sure a fight was going on? I've been to Chuck E Cheese's before - it's loud, people are screaming and throwing food and running in every direction, lights are flashing - I've personally witnessed a woman change a baby's diaper on the table next to her pizza. The atmosphere can be summed up in one word: chaos. So what clued them in that a fight was happening? Was it the pepper spray? Because it sounds like the only thing out of the ordinary was something at Chuck E Cheese's suddenly having flavor.

Also, what "metal thing" did the woman throw? You mean, like, the actual top of the table? Or just a napkin holder? On-the-scene reporters should really be trained to get clarification on that kind of thing, because it makes a pretty big difference in which side I'm rooting for.

Thirdly of all, are Chuck E Cheese's game tickets different in Ft. Myers that they are here? Because around here, they're pretty worthless; it takes roughly 40 skedillion tickets just to get some cheap Groucho Marx glasses that break in the car on the way home. If you're going to duke it out at Chuck's, at least do it over something worthwhile. Tickets are basically garbage, but tokens? I'll cut a b*tch for some tokens.

And let's not forget to ask ourselves, WHERE IS THE VIDEO? Because it's 2014, people, and you know somebody there was there filming something when the fight broke out. Shoot, I wouldn't be surprised if there was aerial footage taken by a dad who'd gotten stuck trying to dislodge his kid from the Sky Tubes. I don't know if I'm more disappointed that some grown adults got in a fight in front of their children over a few pieces of paper that spewed out of a Skee-Ball game, or the fact that none of the witnesses have YouTubed it yet.

Because I need that video. My kids keep asking to have birthday parties there, and since they're apparently unfazed by the fact that everything at Chuckie's is covered with festering plague/diaper germs, maybe the visual of flying "metal things" will convince them they want to celebrate at home. Though I doubt it.

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


31 comments:

  1. Hilarious Robyn! I totally want to see the video too. Maybe the brawl broke out because parents were scrambling to get their kids out of the tube because someone threw up in it. I could see duking it out over that.

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  2. I LOVE your scoring system! Thank you for a funny, light-hearted resolutions/weight loss post.

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  3. Here's what's REALLY sad: if you Google "Chuck E Cheese's fight" there are like 87 pages of fights - many with videos. Though I'm really not surprised that place brings out the worst in people, with all those kids peeing in the ball pit and cheating at the basketball challenge. Barfing in the sky tube is definitely a punchable offense.

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  4. Bad Parenting MomentsJanuary 9, 2014 at 2:03 PM

    Oh my God. I love this post so much. I love it more than a fight breaking out at a Chuck E Cheese. That's saying a lot.

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  5. Thank you so much! Of all the things I can't take seriously, weight loss (unfortunately for the strain on my waistbands) is near the top of the list. :)

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  6. If I'm ever in a fight at Chuck E Cheese's - which, if my kids get their way, I surely will be - I want you on my team. There's no one I'd rather give a stranger a Ticket Tornado Booth swirly with than you.

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  7. And here I thought that there was nothing fun about a trip to Chuck E Cheese.

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  8. Oh no, forget about the pizza and the mechanical musical numbers for entertainment. Just lean back and watch the crazy unfold.

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  9. It's okay that in reading this, I'm mostly just inordinately thankful that my Cherubs are now too freaking old for Chuck E. Cheese...right? Right?


    ps - Something suddenly having flavor at CEC...heh.

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  10. Ha - I like that plan. makes sense and I can probably keep track of the points very easy. Because....that's math, right? which causes great brain activity, so you probably lose a few calories right there.
    Is there an App for this? :)

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  11. Yes, that's absolutely okay. Just don't get cocky about it - ours were almost out of the CEC period, and then (because we temporarily blocked out CEC's existence) we went and had another baby. Now when we go, even the kids who are too old for it get dragged along. Why should we suffer alone?!?

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  12. I haven't developed the app yet, because *thinking* about developing the app is one of my main forms of exercise.

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  13. I too find it hard to believe no one recorded that fight. I think it has something to do with this mysterious metal "thing" no one wants to talk about. What was this "thing"? Did someone really throw it? Or did it move on its own? GASP!!! I've got it! They could have been under some kind of alien mind control! This explains everything!

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  14. I think you're on to something - FINALLY, a reason for the creepy robot band is revealed! I just knew they were watching us with those freakish swiveling eyes.

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  15. HAHAHA I told my daughter that Chuck E Cheese is a made up place, like her mothers hopes and dreams. We've never gone and, thankfully, never will.

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  16. Dang, I did that with Disney World, but I never thought about applying the concept to Chuck's!

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  17. I'm moving to America. Australia only has McDonalds and everyone knows they are far too classy to supply metal things for throwing at other customers.

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  18. Amy at Funny is FamilyJanuary 11, 2014 at 6:56 PM

    My cousin got in a fight at Chuck's. We were 7, it was in the ball pit, and the po po wasn't involved. The other kid did tell his mom, though.

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  19. But Australia has ALL the other cool stuff! Plus, from what I hear, everything in Australia tries to kill you - a Chuck E Cheese's would be redundant.

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  20. The ball pit is a breeding ground for both E. coli and discontent.

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  21. I'm so disappointed! I thought this was about the fight at Chucke Cheese in Topeka, Kansas last year, lol!

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  22. Robyn, I'm disappointed in you, my friend. I thought you were smarter than this! ;-)

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  23. Could the metal thing have been the "Happy Birthday" part of the cake stand? That comes off and the bars are metal. I don't know if they still use them though.

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  24. The things in Australia only try to kill you if you poke them. Or swim with them. Or look at them funny. But other than that it's safe.

    America has all the cool stuff like Chuck E Cheese places where you can fling metal things at people while you dine and no one cares.

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  25. I had no idea it was such a common thing to brawl at Chuck's until I started researching this one in FL and had to sift through the reports in all the other 12,000 fights there! Although I can't say I'm surprised - C-e-C doesn't exactly bring out the best in people...

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  26. When you look at it that way... GO, 'MERICA! Around here, only *people* kill you if you poke them, swim with them or look at them funny. Or, I guess, if you try to take their precious, precious Chuck E Cheese's tickets.

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  27. I never thought of just making my *own* video - genius! That's exactly how I pictured it, incidentally, especially the part with the mascot snorting coke.

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  28. I will NEVER do a party there again. That's right again. I was coerced by my oldest one time. NEVER AGAIN.

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  29. hollow tree venturesJanuary 13, 2014 at 1:22 PM

    That's how they stay in business - almost every parent does it - ONCE. Then it's like a perm; no matter how much you warn other people how badly it'll turn out, they just have to do it themselves.

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  30. I did parties there for a while and we had a couple of adult birthday parties. They made us cut people off after 2 beers or glasses of wine though, so you may want to pregame lol.

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  31. "Pregame" - lol, that's my new favorite term - thanks for the tip! (Unrelated: my phone thinks "pregame" should be "pee game", which I see causing a lot of misunderstandings in my future.)

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