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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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More proof I don't understand The Facebook

I've never really understood a lot of things about Facebook.

Like, why all the pictures of food?

And why must the status update field look nearly identical to the search bar, causing me to constantly question whether or not I'm going to accidentally post a public announcement detailing all of the stupid things I was trying to secretly search for?

And why is it that I can "like" a page, but then later Facebook decides that I don't really like that page enough to see anything they post and hides it from me? Am I under-qualified to know what I like? Seriously, Facebook only shows you about 2% of the stuff you SPECIFICALLY ASKED TO SEE. Dumb Facebook.

By the by, if you want to fix that and actually start getting updates from your friends and the pages you like (Hollow Tree Ventures' Facebook page for example, she said with all the subtlety of a rhinoceros in a library) that Facebook has decided not to show you anymore, try one or more of these:
4 ways to get pages you Like to show up on Facebook, by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV

Okay, now back to our regularly scheduled rant-like blog post...

There are tons of features on Facebook I don't use, and even more that I don't understand - but perhaps none are more perplexingly useless than the check-in. Am I just out of touch when it comes to keeping in touch?


I'm not one to attract a lot of friends, so I got pretty excited about a Facebook friend request that, believe it or not, wasn’t spam - it was from someone I knew! Yay! Well, to be completely honest it was from someone I barely knew in high school, but on Facebook, that's close enough. A vague recollection of somebody you might've taken science class with 20 years ago is all it takes to be besties.

Clicks “confirm.”

That clicky friendship confirmation opened their full profile for stalking my perusal. Careful, oh so careful not to accidentally click "like" or leave any evidence that I'd been curiously peeping her posts, I scrolled. Is she married? Does she have kids? What’s she been up to? From what I could tell, mostly she's been up to taking pics of her food, humble bragging about her workouts, and "checking in." A LOT.

Can we discuss the Facebook check in?

I was late entering the Facebook game, so maybe I missed something important, but I can't for the life of me figure out what the point of checking in is. To simplify things for stalkers? To gloat about being someplace cool? To alert creepy exes that you're not home, so now would be a good time to stop by and rifle through your underwear drawer?

It can't be for interaction, because I rarely see check-ins with comments on them. I assume that, like me, the last thing people want to do is strike up some small talk with someone who, everyplace except Facebook, is essentially a stranger. But a writer's gotta type and a snarker's gotta snark, so I'm still surprised when I see a check in with no comments - just on this one new friend's timeline alone, there were so many missed opportunities.

Robyn's New Friend is at Bill's Pub.
Me: Don't drink too much, like you did that one time in ninth grade when we stole your dad's gin and you threw up on the stairs and told your mom it was the dog! LOL [tags friend's parents]

Robyn's New Friend is at Muscle Crunchers Gym.
Me: How dare you judge me and the fact that I've only worked out once since 1993? (I know that's not what you said, but it was implied.)

Robyn's New Friend is at The Art Museum.
Me: Oh, so you're still cultured? That's exactly how I remember you! ;) [attaches dorky Drama Club photo of friend in high school production of Hair]

Robyn's New Friend clicks “unfriend.”

Not really. Like I said, I'm a Facebook ninja, silently descending on a page and then disappearing without a trace; I rarely unleash my actual personality on poor, unsuspecting people who knew me 20 years ago. Because I'm not looking to make small talk.

I'm just checking in.

(Article originally published on In The Powder Room. Reprinted with permission.)


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18 comments:

  1. I've started to avoid the FaceBook on two counts: It runs hot and cold from FaceBrag to Facebitch both which make my eyes bleed. And if one more person invites me to play that Candy game for the 4000 time, imma gonna break the whole darn web.

    I could perhaps be missing the whole point of "social" media.

    ReplyDelete
  2. It sounds to me like you get the point entirely - we just need to start our own Facebook for anti-socials! We'll call it ShutthehellupBook where there are no games, any mention of exercise will cause the user's computer to explode, and all posts have to meet minimum 67% snark requirements.

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  3. Love it! Growing up our usual tree removal window was literally March. I remember being so embarrassed by it, I would drag it into a back room, ornaments and all, so my friends wouldn't see it! Wonder why I'm so anal about taking ours down by january 1st!?!?!?
    Alyssa

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  4. I'm glad I'm not the only one on a mission, Alyssa! I just hope you're more successful in your mission than I am. :)

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