Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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how dolls are born and other things you'll never unsee

Did you know you can witness the miracle of birth?

Of course you can watch a human being born, assuming you have some kind of relatively close personal relationship with the woman in the room who has a baby coming out of her. Bo-ring! Been there, done that - I'm talking about witnessing the miraculous birth of a Cabbage Patch Kid!

It's true. They have a fake hospital for it and everything, hopefully with fully operational eyewash stations that'll spray bleach straight into my eyeholes when it's over.

I, personally, never wondered where my Cabbage Patch Kids came from, except for that one Imposter Patch Kid I got for my birthday. My brother eventually (after 30 full seconds of secret-keeping) revealed that my mother had lovingly hand sewn it for me instead of getting trampled by other mothers at whatever passed for Toys R Us back then, an act of sacrifice and devotion which inspired me to weep selfishly for the lack of Xavier Roberts birthmark on her butt.

But enough about what an awesome daughter I was - this whole Cabbage Patch Kid thing got me thinking. I loved a lot of popular toys in the 80's, and like the thoughtless little ungrateful scamp I was/am, I've never given a single thought to where they started off before ending up under my bed or at the bottom of my closet.

Until now.

I've invented back stories for some of the sweet characters you loved as a youth. Why, exactly, does Strawberry Shortcake smell like fruit? What's with My Little Pony's tramp stamp? How did Rainbow Brite hook up with Twink? All those gritty details and more are revealed in Terrifying toy TMI. Prepare to laugh, and/or have your childhood ruined.

terrifying toy TMI by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV

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  1. I'll admit, I like variety the best, so I love seeing everyone else's house decorated with all the colors (still not flashing ones though - I have to stand firm there!) - as long as I can come home from the brilliant visual chaos and calm my OCD with my own plain white lights. :)

    PS Purple?!? I've never seen those here! *adds to list of reasons to move to Canada* You guys have all the cool stuff!

  2. You can switch them back and forth?!? Technology, is there nothing you can't do?

  3. I'm sorry, but my brain just exploded to preserve itself from the mental image of the incandescent orange glow of a front window candelabra. I'm afraid there's no debate here - you have to have a plant-watering "accident" like the one that killed the leg lamp in A Christmas Story. Make sure that you use up all the glue (ON PURPOSE!) first.

  4. She's Got IssuesDecember 20, 2013 at 11:11 AM

    We have this discussion in our house every year! Up until last year, we always used the colored lights, since my Hubba Bubba SWORE it was about the kids and they liked the colors. I HATED them! I finally got my way last year and the kids agreed with me. White lights are more twinkly and warm and welcoming and way more beautiful. The Hubba Bubba still thinks colored lights are the way to go. But, WHITE ALL THE WAY!

  5. The only thing obvious here is that Meredith is not a disinterested third party.

  6. I actually have to agree with Robyn on this one. There is no place in a any home for an electric candelabra, unless, UNLESS, it is done ironically.

    And NO ORANGE LIGHTBULBS unless they're part of a string of multi-colored lights OR it's Halloween.

    Good luck communicating irony with that window full of horrors. The only thing that could rescue it would be the Christmas Story leg lamp that my beautiful and talented wife mentioned.

    Merry Christmasween.

  7. I'm sorry to hear that your husband lost his festive lights to the will of the many. I'm even more sorry to hear that he has been assigned the nickname Hubba Bubba. Why not Hubblicious?

  8. I'm sorry to hear that your husband lost his festive lights to the will of the many. I'm even more sorry to hear that he has been assigned the nickname Hubba Bubba. He is not bubble gum. He is a person. Why not Hubblicious?

  9. I have a pre-lit tree with colored lights and it is B-EAU-TI-FUL!!! :)

  10. Well you're automatically winning, even if you had NO lights, since our tree is still in its box in the basement. But hey, it's only December 21, we have plenty of time! *rocks quietly in corner*

  11. She's Got IssuesDecember 21, 2013 at 12:18 PM

    Haha!! Hubblicious was considered, but Hubba Bubba is more obnoxious. Hey, he calls me Dweebie! I let him throw his temper tantrums about the colored lights for all those years. Wife and white always wins in the end! SCORE! lol

  12. She's Got IssuesDecember 21, 2013 at 12:19 PM


  13. I just realized this was from last year, but I still love it!

  14. Tee hee - thanks! And thanks for forgiving an old dog some old tricks. :)

  15. You're automatically winning because your tree has colored lights, AND because our tree was still stuffed away in the basement until Christmas Eve Eve. It is beautiful, even though it's got plain ol' white lights, because it was decorated by some of my vary favorite-est people.


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