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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Scare your kids (and other uses for Little Golden Books)


When bedtime finally rolls around at Fake 8:30 (that's 8:00, with all the clocks set forward thirty minutes), I'm usually more than ready to wind things down.

I strongly encourage reading, as long as the book isn't about Babar; it's quiet and calming, and I've always loved the snugglyness of reading bedtime stories while the kids are all piled around me on the couch. There's nothing like enjoying a book together to send kids off to Happy Dreamland - unless...


I should note that there are plenty of Little Golden Books that are awesome. I fondly remember many from my own childhood, and I hardly have any emotional scars as a result, though granted, I rarely opened them, which probably shielded me from the brunt of the terror. I spent most of my time with LGBs trying to line them all up on a shelf because the designs on the spines were supposed to reveal a hidden picture. Or so I was told.

If I ever find out that the LGB spine design thing was a myth, I'm going to be really pissed about all the time I wasted on that. But I digress.

While some of the stories are endearing and sweet, some of the illustrations seem to serve no purpose whatsoever, other than to scare the crap out of kids - and right at bedtime, too, when I've already spent the better part of 45 minutes convincing everyone that their closets don't contain giant, looming cat heads eating dead-eyed contortionist kittens.

Hmm, I wonder what makes The Shy Little Kitten so shy.
Maybe being chewed on in front of his siblings?

Even the classics take on a sinister tone in the hands of the (possibly) very evil LGB illustrators.

Knock, knock, Grandma.
I'M HERE FOR YOUR SOUL.

I felt especially bad when my kids were babies who had no idea what I was talking about while I was reading, but absorbed the pictures on every page with what I can only assume is wide-eyed horror. The worst offender in our personal library is this well-worn (read: beat up) copy of Let's Play Peek-a-Boo.


I don't want to spoil anything, but this book is about two derelict children who run around unsupervised playing peek-a-boo all day. However, the most memorable part of the story is the fact that their every move is shadowed by a freaky companion.


There's something unsettling about his round, empty eyes. And to make it worse, the kids apparently don't have any idea that they're in danger.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LOOK BEHIND YOU!

Too late.

Eventually they seem to wise up and try to bury him alive, but to no avail.

"I told you we should've let the dog use him
as a chew toy!"

I'd show you more examples, but the book is locked in my freezer, where it can't sneak out and get me in my sleep.

I mean get my kids, of course. Naturally I know the book can't "get" me. Obviously.

Because the kids can't run as fast as I can.


I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


10 comments:

  1. You're a funny lady, Robyn--but I've told you that before!!

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  2. I never get tired of hearing it, fishducky - thanks!

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  3. Kylie Menagh-JohnsonDecember 10, 2013 at 1:43 AM

    So, so funny. Those Little Golden Books can be so weird. Have you read the one about Timothy the Tiger and his toothache? After a bunch of old wives' remedies fail, his grandmother tricks him and takes him to the dentist where he proceeds to have a hallucination about a carousel and grabbing the golden ring. Then he rides home standing up in her convertible with no seatbelt on. It's so weird.

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  4. Great, so now we can count on LGB to teach our kids that dentists deal drugs, seatbelts are for suckers, and grandmas aren't to be trusted. That sounds about right.

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  5. I was reading an old children's book the other night....and it actually had all these off colour and racist references!!!! I'm reading, all snuggled and then whattheactualfeck?? Had to think quick on my feet. Needless to say that book went in the trash. The worst part is that the bag of books was dropped off by an elderly lady from my church. She said she found it up in her attic.

    I hope she doesn't have anyone..I mean, any Other books up there.

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  6. Now *that's* an unpleasant surprise during storytime! A strong endorsement for not teaching our kids to read, I'd say. Also a strong endorsement for steering clear of innocent-looking church ladies!

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  7. So I'm assuming then that Let's Play Peek-a-boo is the graphic novel that The Walking Dead TV show is based on?

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  8. haha...that was a funny way to look at

    children
    stories

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