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DIY Bathroom Makeover for idiots

DIY bathroom makeover for idiots by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV

Some days, people wake up a little bit stupider than usual.

Luckily, for most of us it's a temporary condition which resolves itself as soon as we catch up on sleep or our liver metabolizes the alcohol left in our bloodstream.

Unfortunately, however, our brains will continue to make decisions while under the influence of stupidity.

This is how bathroom repair projects begin.

One morning, groggy and more than usually stupid, you'll stumble into the bathroom and decide the shower needs some sprucing up.

It sounds simple and easy, to your idiot brain, but let me assure you - it is neither.

I recently had a bout of stupidity, and that's exactly what happened to me. If you find yourself in a similar situation, let me break down the process so you'll know exactly what to expect.

PROJECT: make shower a less disgusting cesspool of nastiness

DETAILS: replace shower doors with shower curtain; remove/clean/replace caulk

BUDGET: $0

BUDGET YOU'LL WISH YOU HAD: $1,456,283.00 plus a personal masseuse and an open bar

STEPS:
  1. Curse profusely at sewing machine. An early warning sign that this project is being heavily influenced by stupidity would be the decision to make a shower curtain instead of buy one, like a normal person. It became doubly dumb when my mom happened to come by and give me a brand new shower curtain, but I continued sewing my own anyway.
  2. Remove shower doors. If you don't already have a husband to do this part, I strongly recommend getting one. Not that you can't handle it, ladies (GIRRRRRL POWER!), but those doors are most likely coated in crap that would make the Scrubbin' Bubbles go cryin' home to they mamas. Why touch them if you don't have to?
  3. Curse profusely at previous owners who marked a vertical line to install the shower doors on the tub surround in permanent marker. Force yourself to like the striped look, because a new shower surround isn't in the budget (see above).
  4. Scrape caulk out of every nook and cranny in the shower. Discover 17 new species of mildew heretofore unknown by the world of science.
  5. Start calling it "sealant" after your toddler announces to everyone in a 20-mile radius, "Mommy likes doing caulk!"
  6. Scrub everything - the tub, the shower surround, your arms up to the elbow after coming in contact with all that mildew... Keep scrubbing until your arms feel like noodles and your clothes have been completely ruined by splatters of bleach-infused bathroom disinfectant.
  7. Curse profusely at yourself for not realizing sooner that you can use the caulk (excuse me, the sealant) scraper to easily scrape soap scum off with zero scrubbing whatsoever.

  8. bathroom cleaning tip from Robyn Welling on Hollow Tree Ventures @RobynHTV

  9. Apply new sealant. I don't have anything funny to say about this step. That's how much it sucks.
  10. Curse profusely at shower curtain rod after it falls on your head numerous times.
    Note to shower curtain rod: You have ONE JOB. Your sole purpose on this earth is to hold the shower curtain up. So DO IT (said through gritted teeth).
  11. Stand back and admire your work for 30 seconds, at which point some filthy child will want to use the pristine shower you just spent 62 hours "quickly" sprucing up. Don't worry, though - they won't undo all your hard work.

    They won't have the opportunity - that shower curtain rod is due to fall down again any second now.


I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


41 comments:

  1. I've posted about changing the shower curtain liner in my bathroom--a stressful project for the domestically disabled--so I now consider you the queen of bathroom renovation and innovation. I bow to you wearing a shower cap and yellow plastic gloves.

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  2. Oh no, you're far too kind! Half the reason I used a tension rod instead of a regular one was to avoid unclipping the stupid shower curtain rings! Sure, it falls down from time to time, but I refuse to wrestle the curtain, liner, and rod through those infuriating rings. Ain't nobody got time fo' dat. Attempting it always ends up the same as when I try to use a three-ring binder, anyway - half the papers dangle out at odd angles because I missed the holes, and I'm always too lazy to fix them.

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  3. When you get your own DIY show, can I be the friend who comes over and watches you do all of this and comes up with 1 millions sentences to teach your toddler all about caulk?

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  4. #5! The whole family was in the Home Depot last weekend and we had split up. I had one more thing to look at and my husband was headed for checkout with the kids, when my four year old came running towards me. She had decided to follow along with me instead, but was holding on to two tubes requiring purchase. And that's when I hollered across the store, "You can come with me, but first you have to go give Daddy his caulk back."

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  5. he he. You said caulk.

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  6. I can so relate. My husband in his infinite wisdom decided to take the shower out of the boys bathroom and replace it with a washing machine and dryer. This was probably 5 years ago and the project was never finished and now the washing machine just broke.

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  7. That's it - the three of us are pitching a show to HGTV. We'll be The Three Caulksketeers, or Caulky B*tches, or Caulk Talk. Somebody write the pilot episode, quick!

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  8. Great, now the boys can't shower AND nobody gets clean clothes! I hope the laundromat near you has an open bar. ;)

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  9. God DAMN it, you two need to move to MA! I smell a web series!

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  10. I do all the caulking around here.

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  11. I can see this unfolding in my head. How bad was the applying sealant that YOU could not think of anything funny?? Love your big practical caulk tool though. ;) Ellen

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  12. Wow, that's a big caulk tool --- I don't think mine is that big at all :)


    This right here, just serves to reinforce my own personal mandate that there should no talking, let alone major decisions of any kind, before 10 am and at least 2 cups of coffee. I'm trying to make it a law --- who's with me?

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  13. It was one of those things that you only persevere through because A) you convince yourself you're almost finished (even though HAHAHAHAH no you aren't) and B) we only have one full bathroom and I couldn't justify boarding this one up and bathing at the neighbor's house.

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  14. I will second that motion *any* day! "What do we want?" "For people not to talk to me or require me to think before I've infused my body with a mega-dose of caffeine!" "When do we want it?" "Every day up until 10 in the morning or so!" (<-- I'll be in charge of catchy rally cries)

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  15. This is hilarious! I'm the diy'er around here and nothing EVER goes right the first time. Or the second. Often involves tears. BTW - gave up on the rings a long time ago. Shower HOOKS are the answer.

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  16. You lost me at "sewing machine." Every home improvement project I try is a disaster so I avoid the whole "trying" part.

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  17. Number five. Dying.


    That said, we did this when we first moved into the house and then proceeded to never do anything to the bathroom ever again. Did I mention it's still sporting its awesomeness from 1969?


    ...err, I guess the curtain's technically Shabby Chic though.



    Oh, and before I forget, our sliding doors had a giant swan etched onto them. That swan watching me shower far more times than I'm comfortable admitting.

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  18. You are making me laugh! You are so right! That shower rod only has ONE job and it can't even do that well. So, seriously though, that scraper thing works on the soap scum?

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  19. HOOKS? They make HOOKS?!? *bangs head against edge of sink*

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  20. Love the etched swan look. Our walls had fake tile paneling with a pastel floral motif printed on random fake tiles. Although technically I shouldn't use past tense - it's still there, I just painted over it. Ever wonder how to make fake tile paneling look even crappier? Try painting it.

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  21. It does!!! I was so excited, I might even clean the shower again someday. *Might.*

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  22. HA!!!! Last summer, we had the brilliant idea of putting our condo on the market (note: we still live here, but that's a story for another time) and I single-handedly (is that a word?) got this place ready to sell. Everything was going well until I tackled the shower in our master bathroom and my husband came home to find me with a condom on my hand. It was the only thing I could think to put over my finger so I could smooth that caulking on properly (and it totally worked, by the way!!!).

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  23. That's the most hilariously genius idea I've ever heard!!!

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  24. Too funny. I love kids. They can saw anything and make it sound wrong.

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  25. I don't think anyone has mentioned this but a combo of rubbing alcohol and a magic eraser sponge might get the permanent marker up. I've used them on just about everything from walls to counters to carpet to the couch.I'm not sure if it has a statute of limitations but I think I've done it as far as a week from the time it happened.

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  26. That's a good tip! Unfortunately, someone wrote it on there back when they installed the shower doors, which were already old when we moved in 6 years ago! Also, as a happy/depressing twist, since writing this post we had a plumbing leak and had to replace the entire tub and surround anyway!

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