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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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How To Dress For Daddy Success

How To Dress For Daddy Success


People think good fathering is all about loving your children, spending time with them, providing guidance and making them feel special.

Which is absolutely ridiculous, of course. Like any job, if you want to be taken seriously and really succeed at fatherhood, you just have to dress the part. Here are some tips.


Hair
Successful Dad in headgear

Discerning daddies in the know are all about headbands. Why? Because the boss likes headbands, and if you want to fit in with members of management, you have to emulate their style—especially if they throw a screaming hissy fit when you don't.

Successful Dad pony tail beard

What if she moves on from headbands and graduates to ponytails? You still have to copy her style carefully. Don't let a shaved head stand in the way of achieving your goals, either—with enough patience and hair-pulling, beards can be coaxed into a ponytail, too.

Clothes
Successful Dad in a sharpie shirt

Like headbands and hair ties, matching shirts are key. (Hint: A truly successful dad might have to draw on his kid's shirt with a Sharpie to make them match.) (Another hint: If you draw on her shirt with Sharpie, she's going to insist on drawing on yours, too. I hope that wasn't one of your favorites.)

Grooming
Successful Dad's Polly Pocket pedicure

Three words: Polly Pockets Pedicure. Oh yes, it's a thing.

So, yeah, just generally be a total sucker for your kid, and you'll be on the right track. Good thing I'm not the jealous type (OR AM I? Maybe not - at least when it comes to the kiddos. Ex-girlfriend brides are a different story, though). I should've added Successful Daddying like this to my 6 secrets of an awesome marriage, but the kids and I did go on P&G Everyday already to explain why he's an awesome dad (even though his reason ended up being funnier than all of ours).

Okay, enough silliness - let's get serious.

About silliness.

You Have Lipstick On Your Teeth
Look! It's my name!
INSIDE THE BOOK!
A great source of silliness (and some serious heart, followed by tinkle-yourself guffaws) is the new anthology from In The Powder Room, "You Have Lipstick In Your Teeth" And Other Things You'll Only Hear From Your Friends In the Powder Room. I've been reading my copy and it. is. BRILLIANT. And I'm not just saying that because I'm a co-author. Don't believe me??? You need to check it out for yourself!

On a slightly less monumental scale of awesomeness, I went on vacation last week. Woo-hoo! Or should I say, "Boo-hoo?" First came the packing insanity, followed closely by my tutorial on In The Powder Room about how to force your family to have ALL THE FUN in as little time as possible, after which I found the bright side of being away from my precious, precious internetz by listing the top 6 things I learned during a week away from WiFi.

I'm still healing, emotionally.

I probably could've used this calm-down jar - or better yet, this vodka gummy bear soup - while I was gone, even if they were CraftFails. Because every little bit (of vodka-infused candy) helps, right?

The real highlight of vacation, however, (besides being with my family, of course) (I have to say that, in case they read this) was smuggling my daughter's dolls onto the beach and photographing the new episode of As The Dollhouse Turns, which hardly drew any crazy stares from strangers at all.

As The Dollhouse Turns - at the beach

Then, to get in the spirit of back-to-school season, I wrote a personal story about how embarrassing school supplies can be - make sure to scroll to the end, where I tell you how to enter the sweepstakes to win stuff from Microsoft, including a Surface Pro tablet!

And speaking of technology, are you tired of having to remind your kids about their screen time limits? Do you have trouble getting them to listen, to eat their veggies, or clean their rooms? You're in luck! Some random lady at the grocery store clued me in to a new parenting concept that's going to make all our lives so much easier. *sarcasm font*

What else have I been up to, you ask?

Guest posting!!!

The awesomely-named Confessions of My Fat Pants let me tell the funny story of my failure to jog.

Then, Hot Mess Mom had me over to visit with an original post/rant about how blogging is like motherhood (spoiler alert - I decided to keep doing both).

Finally, the ever-fabulous Insane In The Mom Brain wrote the sweetest intro to my guest post (a letter from my brain to my PMSing body) in which my cluelessness during dinner after our Chicago I Just Want To Pee Alone book signing is revealed (yep, she's a co-author of Pee Alone, too!).

I think that about covers all the awesomeness I can handle for one weekend. Join me next week, when probably nothing will happen - but it might!

__________________________________________

On final note: you might've seen this on my Facebook page or heard about it elsewhere on the internet, but a dear, sweet blogging friend of mine, Courtney from Our Small Moments, lost her husband this past week to cancer. She's been incredibly strong for those around her, especially her two small children, throughout his battle, and we're all absolutely heartbroken for her. Some of us in her writing community banded together to try to help; we can't be there to give her hugs, but we hope we can make a difference by alleviating some of the stress she must be feeling over mounting medical bills, so she can focus on her kids, and on healing.

It's been an inspiration to see the outpouring of support and generosity from all over the globe, and I know it's truly touching Courtney's heart. I'm including a link to the fundraiser here; if you'd like to and are able, please consider donating. Even a small amount makes a big impact. And whether you can lend your support financially or not, please keep Courtney and her family in your thoughts and prayers - those make a big impact, too.

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


5 comments:

  1. First off, Daddy's fashion sense is simply all kinds of awesome! As is the new book. I have laughed til I "broke wind", dampened my panties, and snorted coffee up my nose. (The first two were much less painful than the last one.) And your addition? HILARIOUS!

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  2. I'm SO GLAD you're enjoying the book! :D I haven't had any feedback on my essay specifically (aside from Fashionable Dad up there), so hearing that it made you laugh is FANTASTIC - thank you!!! If you get a minute and haven't added one already, a review on Amazon would make me and my co-authors flip cartwheels (which is code for "have a celebratory tequila shot"). ;) Thanks again!

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  3. Have a shot, 'cause I left one a few days ago. *grin*
    I breastfed 4 offspring and refuse to discuss how old the youngest was when he finally weaned. I will say my Dad's running joke was the only thing that would ever come between the kid and my breast was his mustache. Personally, I planned to write a book about it and call it "Reclaiming Your Breast: Weaning the Adolescent.
    So yes, I totally LOVED your essay!

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  4. That whole comment just made me laugh out loud! I will totally buy that book - she's (recently) weaned, but still wants me to be topless everywhere so I guess I still have some work to do... Thanks so much for the laughs (and the review)!

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  5. It's easy to be stylish like me when you have a daughter with such great fashion sense.

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