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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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My Night in a Suburban Idiot Sandwich

You know I love the Fourth of July. I'm as patriotic as eating an entire apple pie at a baseball game while wrapped in an American flag (which actually might be unpatriotic - I don't think you're supposed to do that). Anyway, as an American, I'm all for blowing things up in the name of national togetherness. But as a mother whose baby keeps getting blasted awake every two minutes the last few nights, I've started to lose my patience with all the celebrating this year. And what better place to gripe (and find other people who're in the mood to gripe) than on social media?


Hollow Tree Ventures
My neighbors officially crossed the line between pyrotechnics and pyromania about 4,000 bottle rockets ago.

Mature? Maybe not, but venting probably prevented me from marching out into the street and screaming a bunch of stuff that would have ruined the anonymity I've so carefully cultivated the last five years by ignoring everyone on my street since we moved in. So there's that.

Normally my husband and I present a united front against neighborhood irritations, but as I tried to rock the baby to sleep while he surveyed the scene outside, I sensed that he didn't share my fiery rage that the neighbors were still lighting explosions at 11:30 so close to our house that I swear their firework debris was raining down against our windows.

stupid neighbors text


stupid realtor text
When you avoid your neighbors as much as I do,
you have to give them names like Applebee because
all you know about them is that you saw them at Applebeee's that one time.


that's what he said text
It was late, and I already admitted
I wasn't being mature.

Anyway, things have started to quiet down, and now that the ringing in my ears has subsided to some degree I thought I'd do a little wrapping up!


I revealed the loophole my daughter found to get around our attempts to potty train her.

I made a list of all the stuff I'm actually going to do this summer.

Summer Plan

Then I went over to In The Powder Room and wrote some more lists - this time, a fun twist on the Bucket List.

On CraftFail we covered botched breakfastssad snacks, cosmic cupcakes, and some not-so-nice nails.
Here's hoping your holiday has been great, or that those of you outside the U.S. can get a snicker out of how un-great our great holiday can be. Now I gotta run - those eight bowls of leftover potato salad aren't going to eat themselves!


I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


20 comments:

  1. BadParentingMomentsJuly 6, 2013 at 2:28 PM

    You calling the neighbors Applebee's because you saw them one time at Applebee's has me shaking with silent laughter. These people on the plane probably think I'm drunk. Again. Seriously, this made me happy and I need happy. xo

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  2. I'm happy to e-hear you laughing, mama. Order up another Bloody Mary - you deserve it. xoxo

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  3. OMG, all of this is hilarious. but especially your f***ing d**king husband and your idiot sandwich.

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  4. Lordy, I wish we were neighbors. I don't even have a baby that's being kept awake, but the fact that the amateur arsonists were at it until 2 am two days in a row is enough to motivate me to track them down and blast fireworks at 6am when they're trying to sleep. OK. No, it's not. That sounds like a lot of work, but I'm with you on this one woman.

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  5. Bahahahaha! Hilarious. I don't have babies anymore, but it wasn't long ago I was pissed because I was the one trying to sleep because sleep was such a luxury. This year my youngest is 3 so we actually enjoyed the fireworks ON THE FORTH OF JULY, not the 2 weeks prior and the 2 months post. So annoying.

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  6. Reading to a soundtrack of the firecrackers being set off down my block serenading me with their "BOOM".

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  7. I love the sandwich comment - man - we are in a double decker sometimes! The big mac of idiots? I don't know...when I come up with the statement I'm giving all the props to you for the idea!!! Hope you got some sleep and get to go to more restaurants to meet more neighbors!!! (Then you don't have to cook!)

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  8. I love it when spellcheck makes funny funnier. ;)

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  9. That's the only downside to revenge - all the effort. Sometimes it's worth it, though... :)

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  10. You know, I think it wouldn't be so bad if I believed they were doing it out of patriotism, and not just because they drank too much beer and wanted to blow things up!

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  11. Sadly, one of the perks of getting out of the house is getting farther away from the neighbors (and if I actually meet them, I might have to awkwardly interact every time I run into them by the curb on trash day). ;)

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  12. Amy at Funny is FamilyJuly 7, 2013 at 4:04 PM

    We know our neighbors and we still have made up names for them. Like The Wife-Walker, who is always logging steps on his pedometer with other people's wives.

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  13. I love that you do it too - it's SO entertaining! Almost makes me want to pay attention to what these goofballs are up to around here.

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  14. The July 1st (Canadian, not firework-premature problems) holiday I prepare for all the pyro crazies. Nap the youngest, close the windows, turn on loud movie. It was the New Year's Eve ones across from my house that, of course, started AT midnight I was not prepared for. because....how?? even? Ducking idiots everywhere.

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  15. You're never safe from the ducking idiots - they're in every country, on every holiday.

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  16. I love it when your readers think i'm funny. It shows they have a highly developed sense of humor.

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  17. I just didn't want to get all worked up about the ducking fireworks because there was no way the po-po were gonna come out even if we had bothered calling, and since the 5-0 typically frowns on vigilante justice I figured there was nothing to be done about it.

    I can just hear the phone call:

    "My idiot neighbors are blowing off professional grade fireworks over the middle of a residential neighborhood."

    "Okay. I'll put you on the list."

    "The list? How long is the list." (hears several pages turning)

    "It's pretty long."

    "Never-ducking-mind."



    Besides, that was US just three years ago. So...

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  18. WhenCrazyMeetsExhaustionJuly 9, 2013 at 9:39 PM

    Woman, when do you sleep? Seriously. How do you do it all and stay sharp enough for witty text banter with your husband? *leaves feeling dejected*

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  19. My husband is the witty one - I just throw in a response occasionally to keep him going. As for the rest of it, I don't sleep, my house is a wreck, I haven't brushed my hair in three weeks, and I think my kids have scurvy. But other than that, I'm totally pulled together!

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Thank you for commenting - you're awesome! I mean, even if you're a jerk, at least it means you read my blog. RIGHT?!?