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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Oh, the things you'll redo!

oh the things you'll redo

Here at the old HTV homestead, we're deeply entrenched in one of my favorite toddler phases: the I Can Do It Myself phase.

Oh, did I say "favorite" toddler phase? I'm sorry, I meant to say, "SHOOT ME NOW!"

I love that the little tyke is becoming more independent, and that she's adding to the growing list of skills that will serve her well throughout her life. I do. I love  it.

Really.

But it gets a little tiresome to stop 800 times a day so she can redo stuff I've already done, based solely on the fact that she thinks she should've done it instead. I mean, so help me, if I have to turn off one more light immediately after flipping it on just because she can reach the switch now and suddenly demands to be High Commander of All Light Switch Operations, I'm going to physically rip every last inch of wiring straight out of our walls with my bare hands.

Of course, then we'd be in the dark because she'd keep making me blow out all the candles so she could relight them herself.

Think I'm over reacting? Well, you're probably right - I usually do - but nevertheless I modified part of the Dr. Seuss classic, Oh, The Places You'll Go, to give you an idea of what it's like around here right now.

It's called, Oh, The Things You'll Redo.

Congratulations!
You're at that age -
When Mom tries to do stuff
you'll redo it your way! 
You have brains in your head
But she's tying your shoes!
So you'd better untie them
while she gets some booze. 
You're a Big Girl. You show off what you know.
So it takes us forever to get up and go.
Mom helps with your shirt - look it over with care,
take it off, insist that it's underwear.
The pants you selected? Puddled at your feet,
because Mom pulled them up - hey, isn't this neat? 
Mom brushes your hair now
but you grab the comb,
it gets all tangled up.
Gah! You're on your own. 
OH!
THE THINGS YOU'LL REDO! 
You'll ask for a snack
as you head for the door,
but if Mom turns the knob
there's a tantrum in store. 
Get Mom out of the way,
open the door by yourself,
then beg for fruit snacks
on the top highest shelf. 
"No, blue ones!" you say, when Mom pulls out the red.
You'd better climb up and choose them instead.
"I  do it," you say, starting to reach,
thinking you'll grab the top-shelfest treats. 
Except when you don't
because sometimes, you won't. 
I'm sorry to say so,
but sadly, it's true,
that you're not five-foot-eight yet
because you're only two. 
Then it's off to the fridge
where you'll throw a huge fit -
Mom opened the string cheese
which, of course, ruined it.
You'll come down from your fit
with an unpleasant bump.
And chances are, then,
that you'll be a huge Grump.
And when you're a huge Grump
we're not in for much fun.
Un-grumping yourself
is not easily done. 
You will come to a place that isn't so grand,
where crossing the street requires holding a hand.
And you won't be allowed to keep turning back
to cross it again - so you'll just blow your stack.
But soon you'll feel better, post-tantrum-attack. 
Except when you don't.
Because sometimes, you won't. 
I'm afraid that some times
all her help you'll resist,
and Mom will add vodka
to her grocery list.
But on you will go
though Mom zips up your jacket.
On you will go
though you'll make quite a racket.
On you will go though your talents are squandered
while Mom does stuff for you, 'cause her patience has wandered.

Despite all your protests
she'll help you all day.
And you'll have to remind her
in your own special way
that as for switches and diapers
and buckles and spoons,
no one can use them
quite as deftly as you.
Just remember to sometimes be cute and be kind
As slowly you make your mom lose her damn mind.

And will you succeed?
Well, that remains to be seen
but it's 98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed!

KID, YOU'LL REDO PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
All day things can happen
and frequently do,
but they'll just get undone
'til they're redone by you.


Can I get an AMEN? Now, since you'll be thinking in Dr. Seuss rhymes for the next few hours anyway (sorry about that), you can go check out the version Mommy Shorts did last year on Ninja Mom's Character Assassination Carousel as an ode to new moms. So much hilarious truth in one poem. And then, read it again - because if you ask my toddler, she'll probably decide you did it wrong the first time.



I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely. I get extra-pathetic when I'm lonely.


20 comments:

  1. AMEN. Ungrumping and Vodka are definitely on my list lately too. Has anyone seen my patience? I really need it for the almost-3-year-old redo-er around my house.

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  2. I'll meet you in the liquor aisle! Speaking of that, they should really put a Playplace or bouncy house in that aisle so we'd have plenty of time to stock up.

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  3. The Sadder But Wiser GirlJune 18, 2013 at 12:23 PM

    This is so true! HA HA! My daughter is no longer a toddler, but she's still stubborn as all get out.

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  4. I don't have kids but still loved this whole thing. As anything rhyming make my cold heart sing. Add in your kid and the reference to booze and there's no way that this post could become a snooze. The talent and story that you shared right here are why I'm a reader who holds you so dear.



    OK. That was lame, but this post as great. The end.

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  5. wonderfully awesome. Have you ever tried undoing flushing poop down the toilet? Now there is a fun tantrum to behold....

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  6. I can totally see the stubbornness lasting in this one, too - she's awfully sure she's right about stuff. ;)

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  7. Fave line (and it was hard to pick):
    Mom opened the string cheese
    which, of course, ruined it.
    Pining this on the CAC board. You are perfection in parody.

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  8. Your wonderful rhyme has me teary and verklept, which doesn't look good on someone who's already unkempt. My timing and rhyming here are all out of whack, but I used all up all my poetry skillz so please cut me some slack.


    NOW who's lame??? Thanks for the poetic comment and the sharing! :)

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  9. Ugh, I forgot about that - it's been about 7 years since I potty trained last time, and we're only up to Occasional Pee status this time. I look forward to explaining the impossibility of poo retrieval to a screaming toddler... again...

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  10. Thanks, mama! Your CAC is one helluva fun ride. :)

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  11. Awesome job Dr. Seussing there.

    Awhile back my three year old was going through this phase big time and she was struggling to put a shirt on over her head. After waiting for eternity I pulled it on for her which of course greatly upset her so she started trying to take it off, which again she struggled with.

    So I then pulled it off of her so she could put it back on but this upset her again because she wanted to take it off herself so she could put it back on herself. Therefore she proceeded to put the shirt back on and then take it off and then put it back on again to prove to me she was perfectly capable of not needing my help anywhere along the way. Hour and half later we were ready to leave the house.

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  12. Christian at PCPPPJune 18, 2013 at 4:50 PM

    FYI this is my 3rd attempt at leaving this comment so if there are duplicates its internet's fault.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    Awesome job Dr. Seussing there.


    Awhile back my three year old was going through this phase big time and she was struggling to put a shirt on over her head. After waiting for eternity I pulled it on for her which of course greatly upset her so she started trying to take it off, which again she struggled with.


    So I then pulled it off of her so she could put it back on but this upset her again because she wanted to take it off herself so she could put it back on herself. Therefore she proceeded to put the shirt back on and then take it off and then put it back on again to prove to me she was perfectly capable of not needing my help anywhere along the way. Hour and half later we were ready to leave the house.

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  13. The essence of Two...beautiful!

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  14. Amen! Hilarious! So glad to not be there anymore!

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  15. LOL! OMG, this is a whole new level!!

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  16. This is so awesome Robyn!! I love "top-shelfest treats"!! Genius!
    I rewrote the George strait song "give it away" from the view point of a kid called "put it away". My brain is always replacing words of songs to fit my own life. It's sometimes problematic. :) <3

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  17. SocialButterflyMomJune 20, 2013 at 7:38 AM

    Love, love, love it! Sharing on my FB page stat!

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  18. AHAHA. This was fantastic. I am obsessed with Dr. Seuss! Ohmylanta I laughed so hard. Absolutely hilarious!

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  19. Thank you so much - and thank you for "ohmylanta" - I'll give credit to you every time I use it, which will be often. ;)

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