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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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an employee evaluation - for my toddler


Employee Name: Madeline
Job Title: Toddler
Department: Homeland Destruction
Period of Evaluation: through Age 2

Thank you for coming to this meeting, Madeline. I must admit, I'm a little surprised to see you here after I found your copy of the memo in the recycling bin, covered with Hello Kitty stickers.

We'll get to that later, though... [shuffles paperwork]... So, according to my records, you've been with the Hollow Tree Ventures establishment for slightly over two years now. I apologize for being a bit late with your 2-year annual evaluation, but as you know I've been pretty busy around here typing memos and opening tubes of GoGurt which you subsequently refuse to eat.

Hmm, never mind that - I see you're trying to take off your diaper and run around naked already, so let's go ahead and get started with your review, shall we?

PART 1: PERFORMANCE

Knowledge, skills and abilities:  You're coming along nicely - you  can feed yourself, you put on your own shoes, and you redo everything right after I've already done it, which is suuuuper helpful. However, there's always room for improvement. For example, you still just stare at me blankly when I ask you to bring me a beer. As I'm sure I don't need to remind you, upper management finds this unacceptable.

Quality of work:  Be honest - you're not even really trying  to learn how to use the potty, am I right? And while the quantity of your Crayola masterpieces is impressive, I'd really prefer it if your portraits of me didn't consist of huge, vigorously drawn circles followed by a declaration of, "BIIIIIIGGGG Mommy!"

Work habits:  I'll consider this a win if you ever let me rinse the "no tears" shampoo out of your hair without having a screaming hissy fit.

Communication:  I'm impressed with your increased use of multi-syllable words, and it was a nice touch last week when you said, "Yuv you, Mommy" for the first time - that really brightened an otherwise ordinary Wednesday. But please, I'd like you to consider how much more effective our communication could be if you didn't start 95% of your sentences with "No." Also, I think we can agree that when I ask if your tummy is full, throwing pizza at my face probably isn't the most professional response.

PART 2: BEHAVIOR

Dependability:  Well, I can depend on you to kick me in the spleen just as I fall asleep, and you consistently refuse to eat any food that isn't triangular. That's a start.

Initiative:  I'm going to rate you as Excellent here. If I so much as think the word o-u-t-s-i-d-e, you're already crying because it's taking me too long to open the door. You also frequently climb halfway up the stairs without having any reason to go up there, and you bring me pieces of dry food from the cat's dish when I hadn't even asked you to. Well done.

Cooperation/Adaptability:  No. I'm sorry, just... no.

Punctuality/Attendance:  This is one area in which you perform a little too well. You're always  here at the office, even when I wanted to take a day off, and although you were born with the ability to recognize me by scent alone, you still haven't learned enough about me to know that I hate starting the work day before 7 a.m. Dial it down a little.

PART 3: REVIEW OF GOALS AND OBJECTIVES

Well, Maddie - May I call you Maddie? - we've come a long way in these past two years together. It's true, you rarely sit still or follow instructions, and you do really push the limits of the dress code (note: underwear over your diaper is not the same thing as pants). Still, I'd like to keep you on with us in a permanent position. If you decide to stick around, you'll soon be promoted to Big Kid, then Schoolager, then demoted to Teenager, and before you know it you'll be ready to move on and maybe even start your own franchise! I think you have a lot of potential and I have to say, screaming hissy fits aside, I really enjoy having you around. I hope you feel the same way about me.

What? What's that you say?

Ahh yes. BIIIIIIGGGG Mommy, indeed.

This article has also appeared on The Huffington Post!

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40 comments:

  1. But did she get a raise? Is there a company picnic she can start thinking of excuses to get out of? But in all seriousness--or my version of it--I loved this and would like to apply myself. It sounds like a pretty good gig.

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  2. We don't approve of perks like company picnics around here, although I do send them outside to eat popsicles so my house doesn't get sticky, which I think counts - instead of sack races, they can run away from the bees that are attracted to the popsicles! If you're still interested, I'll hire you on the spot! Maddie can train you - it's pretty easy, but one of the job requirements is barging in every time I'm in the bathroom. Dealbreaker? Hello???

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  3. Oh my gosh, I'm sitting here cackling--GREAT post!

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  4. Miranda Ramsey EvansJune 27, 2013 at 1:48 PM

    HAHA! Loved it! I'm almost tempted to lay some mine off!

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  5. Ha! "I'm sorry, due to some cutbacks, we're going to have to let some of you go." "Mommy, why are all these vats of wine and disco balls being delivered?" "Well, being a family just wasn't working out, so we've decided to go in another direction."

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  6. I laughed out loud at this. I'd love (?) to see MY review.


    The way she narrates everything I think she may be looking to move in on Morgan Freeman's voice-over work. I can add that no trip to Lowe's would be complete without her with me. It makes work take much longer, but it also makes work not seem so much like work.

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  7. This is so wonderful I now feel mediocre in my ability to find hilarity in obstinance, and toddler speed. OK, that was a strange way of saying I am LAFF-INNG!

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  8. Funny stuff, funny lady!!

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  9. The ShitastrophyJune 27, 2013 at 7:38 PM

    I see a cost of living adjustment in her future. Well done my dear, always strive to fall just at the line because those are the people that get promoted.

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  10. So funny! What a great idea! I need to start working on evaluations for MY kids. We may need to have some "reorganizations," if you know what I mean! :o)

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  11. "then demoted to Teenager, and before you know it you'll be ready to move on and maybe even start your own franchise!" Holy cow, this is HILARIOUS! The whole thing. If I loved you any more right now, I'd be drooling at your backdoor while eating a bag of cookies. (No stalking mission is complete without Oreos.)


    My 4yr always says, "Mom, when I get big like you, am I going to have a big booty-butt too?" and "Your breath stinks when you drink coffee. You should go brush your teef."


    Is it just me, or is it odd that no matter WHAT their behavior, we could never fire them? Something about growing people makes you want to keep them around for awhile...

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  12. Love, love, love. Did you reevaluate my 2 year old? Excuse me while I go to his room...before 7am...hes a morning person!

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  13. You're the only person I know who takes his baby daughter to Lowes and gets charmed into buying purple toolboxes and Hello Kitty dolls. :)

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  14. Any way you say it, it's great to hear! :)

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  15. Isn't THAT the truth? Ugh, I miss working in an office less and less every day.

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  16. It's the only way I can keep my kids on their toes, since most of the time it looks like I'm not paying attention. ;)

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  17. It's lucky for them, isn't it?!? And by the way, stalker + cookies = best friend. Come on over!

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  18. Brilliant!!!! This is so funny, thanks for the laugh!

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  19. That was always my worst fear - giving birth to a morning person. Now I can't get up in the morning OR stay awake at night, so I think I'm screwed.

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  20. Thank YOU for reading it! Now if only my toddler would read it...

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  21. I should so totally review my kids! LOL! I think the CEO of this corporation should get a nice fat performance bonus and vacation days for working with these monkeys!

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  22. This was a stroke of genius. Also, my autocorrect wants to change that to "stroke of gerbils," and that is awesome.

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  23. I think I am adopting this in my home. Hilarious. and hopefully effective

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  24. HiLARious :) um, have you yet had an evaluation for any of your kids that gets an answer besides 'just no' in the cooperation area? I'm assuming that adaptability brought on by threats hissed through clenched teeth do not count...

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  25. So creatively cute and funny. I give you a "superior." ;) Ellen

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  26. This is my favorite piece to date.

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  27. I agree! I raised my own salary to 1000% more than theirs, which comes to... Dang, still zero.

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  28. Stroke of gerbils is the awesomest thing since awesome, no contest!

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  29. So far, not so effective, but she doesn't seem to care that she's never going to be able to get a job with another family with an employee file this thick.

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  30. You must have similar disciplinary issues in your corporation! We had to convert our employee lounge into a time-out corner.

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  31. Thank you so much! I'll tuck that away in my permanent record. ;)

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  32. Wow!!! Thanks, Paige - unless that means you like it only slightly more than everything else, which you hated with a vile passion. Then... well, still thanks. :)

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  33. This was literally one of the funniest things I've ever read!!! My little guy is only 15 months but this fits him to a T! I tried reading it to the hubby but I was laughing so hard he only got about every 10th word :). Thank you for telling it like it is!!!

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  34. SocialButterflyMomJuly 1, 2013 at 4:11 PM

    I would say that yours and mine both have great potential for leadership, as most of the two word sentences are for bossing us moms around. "Mama, sit. Mama, eat. Mama, play cars." Whoa, on that last one: noun, verb AND object!

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  35. Wow, thank you so much! I love love LOVE to hear that - thanks for making me smile. :D

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  36. That's why our little cuties keep getting promoted - we see the brilliance even in their bossiness. :)

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  37. More hilarity from your fertile mind. As one of her proud grandmothers I'm so relieved that Maddie will be staying on and grateful that grandparents don't have to undergo an evaluation...or do they?
    Time to spread the word about your blog so others can be as entertained as we are.
    Please excuse the tardiness of my comment as I have a good reason which I won't bore you with here.

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