-->
Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
Follow the Hollow Tree on Facebook!Follow the tweets!Let's pin together!Look! Square pictures!Google Plus us!HTV's on the YouTube, too!Subscribe via RSS feed!Get yourself some Bloglovin'!I'll send htv to your email inbox!

a calorie counter for moms

calorie counter for moms

I've come to terms with the fact that I lack the motivation and will power required to successfully diet.

However, as the numbers on my bathroom scale continue to edge upwards, to the point I've started getting them confused with the national debt of Bolivia,* I decided at the very least I would keep track of what I'm shoveling into my pie hole on a daily basis.
*Assuming Bolivia has a national debt - I don't know. I'm not interested in researching global economy unless I can work it into a boob joke.
My plan? To discover one highly-caloric item that I don't even really like, which I could cut from my grocery list and, as a result, effortlessly lose enough weight that people won't call the Humane Society when I try to wear a swimsuit this summer.

Of course it didn't work that way. The first day, I entered all the foods I ate into the app and it became clear there was NOTHING I could reasonably eliminate from my menu, despite the fact that I was approximately 8 skidillion calories over my allotted daily budget.

Eventually it got easier, and now I've dropped about five pounds! I don't feel or look any different though, so the logical assumption is that my will to live must've weighed five pounds, because it's the only thing I know I've lost for sure. That's just Science, people.

Yet I soldier on, because I love a challenge and also I miss pants with non-elastic waistbands. However, I've found that locating foods in the app's inventory and calculating the quantity is next to impossible - because no, I don't know how many teaspoons of sunflower seeds were on the salad I just ate. I wasn't counting them, you stupid phone, I was eating. Duh.

Anyway, these apps seem to be designed for people who know the difference between Asian pears and Bartlett pears, who plan meals in advance, using scales and calipers to measure their portions - and that just doesn't fit the busy lifestyle of a mom, nor the lazy lifestyle of this lazy mom. So I decided what I need, besides a Twinkie, is an updated list of foods, in more realistic quantities. Forget ounces and tablespoons and 500 different kinds of lettuce - here's what I want to be able to search for:

Goldfish cracker calories

peanut butter calories

vegetable calories

Oreos calories

cereal bar calories

sandwich calories

wine calories


I think that's a good start! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to update my calorie-counting app. You get credit for exercise, and I feel certain that typing this blog post burned off enough calories for me to inhale a few more Oreos.



I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


48 comments:

  1. I'd download that app. Seems totally reasonable and accurate. Everyone knows that eating what's left on a plate (because being wasteful is bad) doesn't count!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agreed - you should definitely get a break on calories for being Earth-friendly. Or any kind of friendly, really.

      Delete
  2. Came across this on Pinterest. Find it hilarious and accurate. Could include 2 spoonfuls of Mac and Cheese before realizing how gross it is and throwing whatever is left-over away. Thanks for making me laugh today.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Love that you were here - thanks for stopping by! I totally agree with your addition, and on the subject of Mac & Cheese I'd add:

      - 1 bite taken to show toddler that no, it is NOT too hot
      - 1 bite taken of cold leftovers from fridge before suffering flashback to terrible eating habits in college

      Delete
    2. That is exactly what I do with Mac n' Cheese....and my kid's Mac n' Cheese is super crappy because I never add the butter because she is literally surviving off it...and it's my one attempt to make more "healthy".

      Delete
    3. I was positively appalled the first time I actually measured out the proper amount of butter called for in the directions - that's a lot of butter! And then I tasted it, prepared the right way. Damn, it was so much better. Yet I continue to deprive my kids in the hopes it counts as "healthy." :)

      Delete
  3. Perfect. How much for "apple---remains of happy meal, dipped in peanut butter---remains of 50 oz, previously unopened jar"?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! Of course on this app, all fruits are negative calories, and anything the fruit is dipped/coated/slathered in automatically gets counted as fruit, too.

      Delete
  4. When dieting, portion control is important! Here is my system for determining the correct portion: 1 container (box, bag, jar, bottle, etc.) = 1 portion. You're welcome!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sooo much easier your way, fishducky!

      Delete
  5. And anything eaten or imbibed during any sort of "Happy Hour" is always half the calories, just plain automatically.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Repeat after me: "If I don't remember eating it, I did not eat it." This is crucial Happy Hour info.

      Delete
  6. Replies
    1. Thanks, ilbab! I wanted to be brave enough to send you a pic for Body By Baby, but for accuracy's sake I'll have to wait until you start a series called Body By Keebler.

      Delete
  7. I just wish I could find one of these apps that would say it's OK to eat my chocolate covered butter sticks. Damn you Apple.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My app didn't realize chocolate-dipped butter was a thing, but now I'll take care of that egregious oversight immediately.

      Delete
  8. I think you're supposed to get fitness or health points or something from the Bloody Mary since it has tomato juice and sometimes, celery. You should actually reward yourself with an additional Bloody Mary for being so healthy. You are a tall, glass of water Robyn and don't get too thin or I'll have to smother you in your sleep with a bag of peanut butter M&Ms. Ok, a 1/2 bag. Don't judge me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do you know how hard it is to explain to an 11yo boy why you're laughing out loud about being smothered by half a bag of PB M&Ms? Next to impossible. The sheer effort drove me to refuel with another one of those healthy bloody marys.

      Delete
  9. Any food eaten standing up has zero calories. Especially Oreos with a Bloody Mary chaser.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Standing up = exercise. Mixing drinks with multiple ingredients = exercise. That whole endeavor should be negative calories!

      Delete
  10. Oh, Lordy, I could not love this any harder! I've got coffee coming out of my nose and an undeniable urge to go sneak a few Oreos behind the pantry door!

    ReplyDelete
  11. This is AWESOME!!! I'm also on myfitnesspal and I have a very hard time sticking to it! Can we be friends? My name on their is careendeckard, not inventive at all, I know, but it gets the job done. :) I really love your blog!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't believe I actually used the wrong "there"! Please forgive me! I am a former teacher, so this is a humiliating fail for me! ;)

      Delete
    2. I love you so hard for wanting to be fitness friends, and then twice over again for the "there" correction because it's SO something I would do. I use the Lose It app, but you're making me want to sign up for myfitnesspal just so we can be friends. YES, I am that creepy! :)

      Delete
    3. Hey, I need all the friends and help I can get!!! Not creepy at all! :) In fact, I would feel like I was fitness friends with a celeb. ;)

      Delete
    4. Whoa, no wonder myfitnesspal works - I signed up, and with all the same height/weight info, it gave me 300 fewer daily calories in my budget than the LoseIt app! Now I'm too skeerd to use it!

      PS "Celeb" - p'shaw! ;)

      Delete
  12. I think typing & thinking should burn a LOT more calories. If our phones are so smart, they should know what we ate. That's all i'm saying.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good point - my phone thinks it can see the future and knows what I'm going to type, even changes my words when it thinks I've spelled something wrong, yet it can't see into the past to record what I ate? Something doesn't add up.

      Delete
  13. Calipers! I think you also get exercise points for going on a diaper bag food hunt and hiding to eat. You can almost reach peak heart rate just being poised to bolt in the event you get caught.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's true, when you're snack diving in the diaper bag *on purpose* - but we both know those snacks are usually found accidentally, when you reach in for something else and smoosh your hand around a half-melted string cheese instead. ;)

      Delete
  14. This is perfect! So funny (and so dripping with tech skills). You worked the words Bolivia, global economy, and boob joke into a sentence. I think that counts as an honorary boob joke. For real.

    Ellen

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's going on my résumé, then - at the top!

      Delete
  15. Woman.

    You are onto something here.

    But I cannot help but notice that you missed the fact that calories consumed whilst hiding in the pantry are negative calories...like ingesting them in a black hole, if you will.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, like the ago-old question - if a calorie falls in the woods and no one's there to hear it, does it make a pound?

      Delete
  16. I'm sorry. I know it's 4 in the morning, but this made me laugh out loud several times. A lot of those descriptions are hyper-accurate, too.


    Some highlights for me, out of many: Cereal Bar, "Red" Flavor: Partially eaten - child wanted a more red "Red" flavor.


    The negative calories from some of the items.



    But my favorite part may be the bit about the five pound will to live.

    ReplyDelete
  17. you'll be sending no one pics of your bod.


    it's mine, and i'm not signing any releases.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I usually double the butter called for, to make it doubly delicious.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Aww, yay - making you laugh out loud is my favorite! Especially when it doesn't wake me up. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hahaha, yes!! Omg if you made this you'd be a millionaire. I have so much trouble with the calorie counter apps exactly because of this!!! Being a toddler mom is so unhealthy.

    ReplyDelete
  21. No kidding! I mark it a success if I can even manage to remember to record what I eat, let alone stay under my calorie goal!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Ha! I love the bloody mary counter

    ReplyDelete
  23. Now THAT is an app that makes total sense. Why ARE there so many different kinds of lettuce. I think just chewing it should burn enough calories that it doesn't count.



    Penny at Mom Rants and Comfy Pants

    ReplyDelete
  24. Mmm, bloody marys - for when you're thirsty AND hungry!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Every piece of lettuce eaten should be like a free ticket to eat something good. Like a bag of Skittles. Okay... half a bag.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for commenting - you're awesome! I mean, even if you're a jerk, at least it means you read my blog. RIGHT?!?