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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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the sad reality of life as an adult


My kids always fantasize about finally being Grown Up. And the emphasis here is definitely on fantasy - I think their expectations of how exciting it'll be are a little unrealistic.

"As soon as I'm old enough," Jake muses, "I'm going to order a pizza all for myself!"

That's right - dream big, dear. Ordering pizza is loads of fun.

Then Zoe chimes in. "I want to make my own food in the kitchen! With knives! And make magic potions out of... of... mandarin oranges and... cimmanon."

Yeah, I really take my ability to use knives and magical citrus powers for granted.

On the one hand, I hate to tell them about the disappointment they're going to experience when they order that first pizza, and instead of being the most gratifying experience imaginable, they find themselves out in the driveway digging through the glove compartment for loose change because they don't have enough cash to tip the delivery guy. Or when they make their orange/"cimmanon" potion and not only is it NOT magical, but the entire kitchen is coated in stickiness and they're  the ones who have to clean it up.

But on the other hand, what fun is parenting if you don't get to burst their bubble every once in a while?



Sorry kids, but the actual benefits of adulthood aren't really all that exciting.


I want my kids' version of adulthood to be the reality - it's all shopping and leisure time and guilt-free calories. Not only is the list of real benefits totally lame in comparison, but at age 37 I should probably still respectfully apologize to my mom for my language in that third list item (Sorry, Marma) so I'm pretty sure that spouting random obscenities doesn't even count as a benefit.

It's too bad, really. So kids, if you're reading this (and you'd better not be), just be content with childhood for now. You'll be grown before you know it. And hell, that's a real damn shitty kick in the ass.

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


39 comments:

  1. I would add: not having to ask permission to do anything. I certainly don't miss that at all. Great list though!

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    1. Ooooh, good point! Now I'm allowed to do whatever I want, but I'm too tired to do any of it. ;)

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  2. Great list. Kids are ridiculous. On a serious note though, can you post Zoe's recipe for mandarin orange and cimmanon magic potion. I've had zero luck with the ones I've tried.

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    1. Believe me, I've tried to get it out of her - I hear it cures parents of magical children syndrome, which results in 85% fewer mandarin orange juice spills.

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  3. I can remember thinking that adults got to do whatever they wanted. Unless whatever you want to do includes paying bills, buying groceries, cooking and cleaning it's a big fat lie.

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    1. Remember how we used to play "office" and "house" like it'd be great fun? What a bunch of dummies we were. :/

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  4. My son has recently become obsessed with cooking implements and Annoying Orange, so I'm sure he would love to have a cooking date with your kid in the very distant future.

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    1. Hopefully they'll cook Annoying Orange together - somebody needs to. ;)

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  5. Hahahaha, so true! My son often fantasizes about what he will accomplish as a grown up. Too bad being a grown up kinda sucks. Although the ordering pizza thing whenever you want to is pretty cool.

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    1. I can't complain about the pizza thing, especially since I make my husband call. ;)

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    2. Doesn't the wink imply that you're joking? ;)

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    3. Yup. ;) I never said I used it right, though.

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  6. I always wanted to get mail as a kid. As an adult, I jump up and down when I open the box and it's all immediately recyclable. Buh-bye umpteenth Bed, Bath, and Beyond coupon. There is no possible way I can afford to shop every time you sent me 20% off.

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    1. Ha! Me too - I'm always just so happy when it isn't a bill, although those BB&B people are pretty optimistic about how often I'll need a new shower curtain.

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  7. I definitely think that my boys would include "buying all the Legos I want" on that list. And the reality would be "no more time to play with toys." This is awesome, as usual. :)

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    1. Thanks!!! So true about the Legos - having an excuse to play with them again has really made this motherhood gig worthwhile. ;)

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  8. Buy whatever I want! ...panics later when she has to skip buying herself Powerbars so she can pay the water and the electric.

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    1. Oops, too late! **licks envelope addressed to water company full of Powerbars**

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  9. I had some of that magic potion but I can't tell if it worked because I was already awesome.

    Incidentally, I can think of a number of benefits you didn't mention.

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  10. Love the last one about getting to be in charge. If only I knew no one would ever listen to me!

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    1. Yeah, they're only really listening when you're saying words you hope they don't repeat. ;)

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  11. Really giggling at no more school because yay! Freedom! BUT STUDENT LOANS WILL LAST FOREVER!

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    1. They NEVER see that coming, do they? Oh wait, I mean "we"... ;)

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  12. Lol! This is awesomely put down in writing. The truth hurts sometimes!

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    1. Doesn't it?!? Thanks, glad you could relate!

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  13. Exactly. If we only knew. Being an adult sucks. But being a kid sucked, too. And as an adult I can drink vodka, which makes things better, so I guess being an adult actually is better.

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    1. I like your argument very, very much. :)

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  14. That's funny that Jake's dream is to order pizza. I lovvvvvve delivered pizza but I HATE calling it in even more than I do paying for it!

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    1. I hear you loud and clear - I've had a strict I'm Not Going To Make The Call policy since college, and I bet my college roommates would tell you my policy was in place back then, too. :)

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    2. I hate calling anyone, ever. Or talking to anyone, ever. So when I found out you could order your pizza online I was excited! Now if those robots would get their ass in gear and deliver it, I'd be one step closer to saving my voice only for the purpose of repeating myself over and over to my kids.
      Great post! I snorted at the cursing line! LOL!
      <3 Devan

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    3. I'm so using that excuse from now on: I'm saving my voice for a higher purpose - scolding the children. So help me, I will never call a pizza place again. Thank you, Internet!

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  15. Ha! I'd take your kids' version of adulthood, too.

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  16. Love the list of actual benefits of being an adult, although, I too, still feel the need to apologize to my mom for swearing...and an awful lot of apologizing it is. Too bad she still can't ground me. For a month. Oh, wouldn't that be nice!

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    1. Oh, it sure would! "Aw Mom, I can't come out of my room at all? Okay, I'll just sit here and think about what I've done. And maybe nap."

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  17. My boyfriend shoves stuff under the bed.. and I still get on to him. But that's just men!

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    1. Ha! Some people never grow out of it, do they?!?

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