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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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10 Ways I'm a Superhero (plus another super thing)

If I'm being completely honest, which I am (for once), there have only been two times in my life I truly felt like a superhero - like I could do anything, up to and including leaping over tall buildings and tying steel I-beams into Windsor knots.

Those two moments? The two times I pushed fully formed gigantic human beings out of my body.

I'm not saying all mothers (okay, all parents - simmer down, Dads) aren't heroic. You're just as much a superhero as anyone else, no matter how your babies came into your life. But my firstborn came along three months early and I was in too much of a drug-induced fog to feel terribly heroic, and I got my oldest two boys by marrying my husband which, far from heroic, was the easiest thing I've ever done. So as for feeling like a superhero, there was something about surviving the pain of childbirth with only minimal scream-cursing that made me feel like I could take on any challenge the universe might throw at me and roundhouse kick it in the face.

Or... something more motherly.

However, it's not every day that I give birth to a person (thank God). This would probably come as a big surprise to my neighbor, who thinks that Maddie is a new, different baby every time we walk by her house, a feat I couldn't achieve even if I had my uterus replaced with a jet-fueled conveyor belt packed with infants. Since I don't plan on ever letting that happen, I have to focus on the slightly less dramatic, everyday victories that let me exercise my inner She-Ra. Here are 10 of my more recent superhero moments.





  1. I convinced the baby to wear pants for a few hours.
  2. I finally sewed a button back onto Zoe's favorite cardigan, which was awesome until I found out the sweater doesn't fit her anymore.
  3. I remembered I had a load of laundry in the washer before it got all mildewed.
  4. I found a ton of cute, name brand clothes at a garage sale in my size, and treated myself to a new wardrobe now that I'm back down to my pre-baby weight!
  5. I didn't cry when I got home and realized that, since I've been wearing my yoga pants uniform for so long, I was wrong about what "my size" is. Apparently my pre-baby weight has rearranged itself into a shape that only elastic-waist cotton/spandex blends can handle.
  6. Okay, I cried a little. But then I took action, in the form of digging the elliptical machine out from under a pile of boxes and actually using it, without falling off or having a heart attack. Then I celebrated with a sleeve of Rolos.
  7. We made it through the toddler "No" phase. Unfortunately, the "No" phase is followed immediately by the "I Can Do It Myself" phase, which is equally frustrating and twice as time consuming.
  8. I made four last-minute birthday gifts in two weeks for Zoe's classmates. The presents looked relatively cool but cost almost nothing, which is a good thing because I'm starting to think the girls in her class have turned 8 about six times each this year.
  9. The baby heaved an irritated sigh and grumbled, "Fine" in a voice that sounded eerily like my own, and I managed to leave the room before my laughter revealed whether or not I think her pint-sized attitude is hilarious.
  10. I read an entire book, cover to cover, with more than eight pages and zero cartoon characters!

Impressive, yes? So I know you're dying to know - which book did I recently finish, despite the fact that the few places I get to read without interruption do not have snack access? It's an awesome new book by Scary Mommy!

Motherhood Comes Naturally

I actually read it while I was on the elliptical machine, because, come on - I'm not really working up a sweat on that thing, I'm just using exercise as an excuse to hide from everyone in the basement for 30 minutes, five times per week (okay, three times per week - sometimes two). I could probably take a nap during my workouts, for all the effort I put into it. In that half hour I might only burn about twelve calories, but I get about 40 pages read, so it's time very well spent.

This book is all about telling the truth. And it's really, really funny. And scary (if you still believe any of these motherhood myths). In it, Jill Smokler speaks the truth about all the vicious lies people tried to tell us about parenting, back before we knew better. I promise, you won't be able to stop reading it either. Who knows, it might even inspire you to hop on your elliptical and pretend to exercise, too!

You can buy it on Amazon after it comes out on April 9th, or pre-order TODAY, which I strongly recommend - so strongly, that I pre-ordered a copy even though I already own it! Why would I do that, other than the fact that I'm bad at math? Only because I love Jill, and she lets me be a Scary Mommy Contributor despite the fact that I often come off like an ass in our email correspondence - oh, and because of the awesomest pre-order giveaway in the history of forever!

Motherhood Comes Naturally

What's that I heard you ask? Is I Just Want To Pee Alone, the hilarious anthology of which I am a part and which is an Amazon and iTunes best seller, a part of the five giveaway packages? Well, as a matter of fact it is! Along with some other really great stuff, so you should enter. Or don't - you entering will decrease my chances of winning, so instead you should just buy my book and Scary Mommy's book and all the other stuff in the prize package individually and call it a day. Heh heh.

Believe me, spreading the word about the giveaway is almost as painful as childbirth.

Almost.

Thanks to Stasha and her Monday Listicles for today's listy prompt!

I'm not the only one lucky enough to be in the Scary Mommy Society! Head over there and read some great stuff from people like Motherhood, WTF? and Toulouse & Tonic here and here.


I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


58 comments:

  1. I will buy that book - I swerrrr..... but I am sure you read the PARENTING illustrated with crappy pictures....VERY funny!!!! Love you mama!
    <3 Devan

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  2. You're my superhero, Baby.

    As you know, I just Freudian-typed something else. You are also that thing.

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    1. Really just kidding....yall are just so cute....

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    2. Yes, we'll both marry you, but fair warning - our cuteness is sort of disgusting in person. ;)

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    3. Oh good, the cat has an opinion about it.

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    4. The cat has an opinion about everything. I just usually don't let him on the computer.

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  3. Your damn husband is trying to annoy me, isnt he? LOL

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    1. That's hilarious, because he just almost replied to your comment giving you a hard time for breaking in on what was potentially going to be an endless stream of comments from him! :)

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    2. LOL< I would pay good money to hang out with yall!

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    3. i'll sell you my seat, yo.


      no i won't.

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    4. $10?? $15?? I will need to pay #200 to fly there....COM'MON!!

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  4. You ARE a superhero! It's the little things. I'm especially loving the garage sale one, you go girl!

    So many books to buy...so little time. At least I got the Pee Alone one for free!

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    1. I'll be really excited about the garage sale one when I can squeak into the clothes without rearranging my internal organs. ;) Glad you got your hands on Pee Alone (oh, and the other ones are great too, cough cough). ;)

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  5. I'm living #'s 3-5 now. Loved your list.

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    1. Thank you! I'm both glad and (in the case of #5) sorry you can relate. :)

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  6. hee hee hee... after I read your first sentence, I thought to myself, "the only time I felt like a superhero was when I pushed my (11 pound, 3 ounce) baby out of me!"

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    1. WHAAAAT? Lawdy, I was cryin' over my 10-lb baby - if I were you, I'd get an "I've pushed an 11 lb, 3 oz baby out - what've YOU done???" tattoo. ;) Superhero, for sure!

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  7. This is hilarious--thanks for the laughs. I too was a NICU mom--my kiddo was a 24-weeker. That alone is a superpower!

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    1. Wow, 24 weeks! Hope your little is okay. Those wee ones are superheroes, too!

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  8. Really interesting list that you have on this week :) Hilarious!!

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  9. Oh my... The "I can do it myself phase" is so tiring... and slow!

    Your neighbor had me laughing. People always look at our two-year-old and say how old Miles (the four year old) is getting. I am forever telling people, "Believe it or not, that's our second!"

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    1. It's impressive how much she can do, but does she *really* have to undo everything I do and redo it?!?

      You gotta love neighbors. I certainly don't expect them to know my business or keep track of my children (heck, I can barely do that), but I also don't need them confusing me even more by calling them the wrong names and giving them the wrong ages. ;)

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  10. I think I can now convince the hubby to buy me an exercise machine, since if I read while exercising I am actually working BOTH mind AND Body. which really in the end is money saver!
    money saver gets him every time.

    I am basking in my superness!

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    1. Multitasking and saving money - the ultimate in superheroics!

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  11. oh my god, #9 made me laugh so hard; you deserve a super special cape made out of oreos and sunshine for not laughing outright...the first time my kid shook his head and muttered 'jackass' at our cat left me doubled over even as I told myself I shouldn't be encouraging this behavior...

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    1. It's sooooo hard not to laugh, isn't it? I recently was relieved to figure out that the baby is saying "fork" instead of the word I thought I'd taught her. ;)

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  12. I hope you are beating yourself up about the elliptical for comic effect only---and yes, you had me laughing out loud.

    You are a superhero in my eyes because you just reminded me to get off of the computer and to go switch the laundry over. Wonder Twins against mildew! :) Ellen

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    1. Ellen, if I can save just one load of laundry, my time with this blog will not have been spent in vain. And yes, I'm joking about the elliptical - I'm quite proud of the 12 calories I burn. ;)

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  13. Oh how I hated the "won't wear anything" phase! For the girl it was shoes, after she learned to walk... would not wear shoes EVER! I totally felt like a superhero the first time I got her to wear them (and I'll never admit it but bare feet in snow may have helped to convince her...).
    Also, I go to the gym just so I can watch my shows uninterrupted on my iPad... any excuse to "exercise" right!??!

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    1. I call watching shows on the iPad "creative motivation" - just like bare feet in the snow! ;)

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  14. I read your whole post and it was fabulous, but really, I am stuck on the phrase "sleeve of Rolos." I've never heard them called a sleeve, but I love it. And having just one sleeve would be silly - everyone needs two sleeves, don't they?

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    1. You're right - I owe myself a sleeve!

      I don't know if "sleeve of Rolos" is a real thing, but it sounded good at the time. Like a sleeve of crackers. Wait, maybe that's not a thing either?!?

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  15. You had me at "She-Ra." Then I got a little distracted singing "She-Ra, princess of power" in my head. But I reined it in and loved the rest, too. :)

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    1. Thanks! My face part about the She-Ra song is that I don't know any of the words, so I get to make up lyrics. There might not even be any words in the original, but occasionally I amuse myself by imagining what you could sing about a Princess of Power.

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  16. OK, so checking your list our from Monday Listicles and now I have to buy these books. And totally get the rolls thing. I swear every time I work out I just cancel it our by popping candy or a cookie in my mouth.

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    1. I don't know why I always do that - I think I expect it to be guilt-free eating since I just burned a bunch of calories and I "need my strength." Doesn't really work that way, does it? ;)

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  17. Awesome - love your list, living you list, love Scary Mommy, too!

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    1. Thank you! Scary Mommy's the best. :)

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  18. #1 is funny :) We just got our little guy to wear sunglasses by calling them "dudes" (what he called anyone he saw wearing sunglasses).
    P.S. I'm really excited for summer garage sales!

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    1. Good trick! And I was pretty stoked to see a garage sale already - I'd already forgotten how much fun it is to ogle everyone else's stuff!

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  19. I love your heroic list. Thanks for the smiles today!

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  20. Great list. I'll definitely check out the book, it sounds like just the thing us superhero moms need to keep us going:)

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    1. That's right! It's great for both a laugh and an ohmygawdI'mgladitisn'tjustme. ;)

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  21. This list was hilarious. I made it to #3 then had to go check the washer and start it again cause the clothes had been in there for 2 (OK, maybe three I don't remember) days and were starting to smell. Thank you for saving my clothes. Usually I don't forget my own, just the kids and the husbands. :)

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    1. Whew, that was a close one - glad I could help! Also glad to hear we have the same kind of selective laundry memory. ;)

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  22. Loved #10! I strive in search of that goal - lol!

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    1. It's not as easy as it sounds, is it?!?

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