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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Barbie phone, I've got your number.

We all have toys in our house that we detest. Maybe at your place it's the doll that guzzles water and then immediately pees it out all over your couch because it came with two diapers, both of which your daughter used within the first 30 seconds she owned the doll. Maybe you're sick of fingernail-picking clods of dried Play-Doh out of the carpet, or you're going to scream if you step on one more Matchbox car.

For many of us, the bane of our toy-filled existence is something that talks. Or plays music. Or talks AND plays music - the worst offenders do both, and the worst  worst offenders say inane and irritating things when they talk.

I present to you: the Barbie phone.

I do appreciate the toy company's attempt to make it look like an actual phone - studies show that babies as young as not even born yet prefer to play with actual electronic devices. My children love calling my old business contacts on my real  phone, turning off the cable box with the real  remote, and banging violently on the keyboard of my real  laptop. So I, like most parents, buy toys primarily for one reason: to distract my children from my more expensive belongings.

Unfortunately, there's no way I'm fooling them into thinking a gigantic hunk of primary-colored plastic with Elmo's head mounted to the top is an acceptable substitute for my iPhone.

But if the somewhat realistic design of the Barbie phone is a winner, relatively speaking, what's my beef? The issue is that it beeps, and plays music, and (worst of all) talks. It talks in Barbie's snootiest, saccharin voice, and in that voice, like a cheese grater on my eardrums, she says some of the most insipid things I've ever heard come out of a toy.

  • I know a great boutique!
  • Let's have a cupcake!
  • Those are nice earrings.
  • Let's go shopping together!
  • Perfect weather to go to the beach!
  • Would you like to upgrade to First Class?

You know what? On second thought, maybe I'm just jealous. I'm on my phone all the time  (I predict my husband will nod vigorously as he reads that part), and it never says anything remotely that fun. If the toy industry wants to make these phones really  realistic, they should make it say some phrases I'd hear if it were my  phone.



Yeah, I guess maybe I'm just jealous. Because if I can't fly First Class to a boutique by the beach to eat some damn cupcakes, I sure as hell don't want to hear about Barbie doing it.

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29 comments:

  1. Robyn, another hilarious post! Here, I'm battling a new very loud, very light-flashy car that speeds around on it's own volition. I might hate Barbie phone as much as this car when/if Barbie phone enters our house.

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    1. Yikes, I didn't even consider how horrible it would be if the Barbie phone flashed and moved around! I think the car might trump Barbie and her irritatingly decadent lifestyle. ;)

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  2. We have a Barbie laptop, and it says things, but I don't know what those things are. I don't need to know the actual phrases to know that it's annoying.

    Don't feel bad that Barbie's life may seem better than yours. She's stuck with Ken. What a douche!

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    1. I read this comment in my email last night, and it make me laugh for like half an hour. Stupid douchey Ken. :)

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    2. We also have some kind of barbie laptop. It's a jerk.

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    3. Oh yeah, I must've blocked that out. :P

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  3. The Barbie movies and website are annoying enough. Girl got headphones for Christmas. official Barbie, because of course.

    but my iphone does say interesting things to me because I downloaded funny movie quotes as Alerts. Thus Will Ferrell always lets my know when my BFF texts because "we're going streaking!!", and when hubby texts Sam Rockwell tells me "that's not right." but the funniest is from Despicable Me "it's so fluffy I'm gonna die!"

    wait, actually the funniest is the one I snuck onto my husbands phone so that when I text him Darth Vader asks "what is thy bidding My Master?" :)

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    1. That is t-h-e b-e-s-t! Doing it immediately - then texting the husband all day, 'cause it's April Fools' Day, and also because I like to annoy him like that. ;)

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  4. Why would she be complimenting your earrings over the phone?

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    1. CREEPY! I was so busy being irritated with the thing that I didn't even think of that!

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  5. I think Barbie is a Cylon from Battlestar Galactica!! Why cause I have personally killed that bitch on multiple occasions, first time I think I was five and she was beheaded by her penthouse elevator!!


    The second murder occurred when the stupid ditz was riding around in that corvette convertible sitting like she was some queen waving to her loyal subjects, I ran over her and her flashy car with my Monster Truck RC Beetle!


    And uncountable murders after that for over 30 years!! So yeah the Bit@^ got smart and now hides in electronic devices with her picture all over it and squawks obsessively! So how else can she keep coming back for so many years and always look the same age and never ever gets fat!!!???


    I dont' hate Barbie really I don't! LOL

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    1. I have some Barbies that I think I need to send to your house for a "visit." ;)

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  6. Barbie is a bitch--ignore her!!

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    1. No doubt - I'm trying, but she's so... EVERYWHERE!

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  7. What? That's not a real phone? That explains why I'm still waiting for that Jimmy Johns to show up.

    You do spend a lot of time on your phone, and you're right about it not saying cool stuff. Siri appears to be only slightly more intelligent than Barbie, insofar as I have only ever heard one decent reply out of her. Usually it's "I don't know what ____________ is. Would you like me to search the internet for __________?

    Dumb AI.

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    1. I bet Barbie and Siri ate our Jimmy Johns. I hate them so much.

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  8. Also, is this drip of chocolaty stuff on the laptop actually chocolate? If so, where can I get some of that?

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    1. I don't know of any chocolate that's been near the laptop, so I'd advise to approach only with caution, or possibly throw the laptop out into the yard until the rain washes it off.

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  9. Hyterical. That isn't a sexist toy at all. Not one bit. I wonder if there's a Ken doll phone that tells boys, "Let's get drunk and fight!"

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    1. He probably has his bookie on speed dial. That Ken is nothing but trouble.

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    2. Ken Is Absolutely Trouble!!!!, I think he was operating that elevator, and He was driving that Cylon Barbie Bitch around in that car!! I have killed him too, multiple times! (CYLON!) And he also comes back! Plus you know when a guy has as many clothes as his girlfriend, and is always driving around without her in her pink jeep picking up other dolls like, there is seriously something wrong!!

      Seriously if robots do take over the planet some day they better not be these two!!! Or I am building a new Beetle Monster Truck and turning into an extreme survivalist and stock piling flame throwers!! (did anyone else notice that these two melt quite nicely?)

      I preferred G.I. Joe's as a kid!

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    3. They are meltable, but all we really need to do is shut down the factory. Those two aren't making any little baby Barbies and Kens with the dysfunctional equipment they have. But on second thought, melting them would be fun...

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  10. Brilliant! The most annoying toy in my house right now is the Furreal Friends dog. It walks and barks when you touch it and my daughter insists on sleeping with it in bed. Usually, I turn it off but she figured out how to turn it back on and it woke us all up in the middle of the night the other night.

    Now. If it said things like, "Let's go shopping!" I'd probably throw it off my 12th floor balcony.

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    1. Furreal friends are the devil - there is no question. That Lulu cat freaks me right the hell out!

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  11. Just the other day I was at the toy section of some store and noticed a toy iPhone with the age tag of 6 months. 6 months! I was like, this is going to teach them that iPhones are toys to be played with. I DON'T WANT BABIES PLAYING WITH MY IPHONE!!! That's when security escorted me out of the store.

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    1. Why? They can teach you all the best tips and tricks!! They are all born with Ibrains and are Iexperts! And they seem to be able to clearly communicate with SIRI. Jut make sure you get an Otter Box with Screen protector to protect from the apple sauce smudges and accidental drops tht are always on asphalt or tile.

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    2. Christian, with the level of stupidity coming from the toy industry these days, I don't think there's any way to be in a toy store without security getting involved at some point.

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    3. E-S-M, don't forget the water-tight bag it has to go in. All the Otter Boxes in the world won't protect it from the toilet. ;)

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