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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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An open letter to Anonymous




Dear Anonymous,

I just wanted to thank you for being my biggest fan. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me to see your name in the comments of almost every post I publish - sometimes multiple times, if it was a post you particularly enjoyed! I don't know how I'm able to attract your continued attention, but the praise and advice you've lavished upon me through the years has been invaluable. Or is it "unvaluable"? Hmm, I get those two confused.

For example, last week when you offered me "a professional advice for pet muscularity," I couldn't believe your good timing! I've been telling my cat that he really ought to tone up, but it's so hard to get his little legs around the Thigh Master.

Likewise, I find it really useful when you casually tack a link onto the end of your comments. If I ever need spot acne treatment, advice on losing belly fat, or an Offshore Company that provides payday loans so I can hire a vaginal mesh lawyer, I know I can always count on you to leave me a direct line to your "most valuable website." (And here I thought no one knew I had a chubby belly covered in acne - in addition to the flabby cat.)

Unfortunately I wasn't able to fully utilize your information regarding male enhancement; aside from not possessing the proper equipment for that sort of thing, I simply can't commit to a plan that must be "followed scrupulously over weeks, months, and fifty-fifty geezerhood." Nor could I decipher exactly what you meant by, "Oh I submissive babe urm…" but I'm sure I can safely assume it was every bit as insightful and relevant as all your other comments.

I really appreciate your praise, too. It makes me smile when you say things like, "Reading through this reminds me of my good old roommate! He always kept talking about this." However, I'm afraid I might need a restraining order against your roommate, since the subject of that particular post was my menstrual cycle.

Your constructive criticism is equally appreciated... but to be honest, when you say, "Literally, it seems as though you relied on the video to make your point" on a post with no video on it, it confuses me. Only a little, though, since most of my brain power is focused on not imploding over your use of one of my biggest pet peeves.

We've done a lot of communicating through the years, Anonymous. Admittedly, most of it extremely one-sided, since I delete all your comments immediately, but I've noticed that never seems to discourage you. I'm sure you understand - I just don't want everyone else to get jealous over our relationship. Other people need robotic stalkers, too! So even though I know it won't slow you down, I'm afraid I have to keep clicking delete.

You know, because of the jealousy thing.

Well, there's that, and the fact that I hate you.

Hugs,
Robyn

Please click the Top Mommy Blogs banner below - twice if you're a spammer (you owe me).
I assure you, I'll appreciate it well into my geezerhood.
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38 comments:

Amy FunnyIsFamily said...

I have been looking EVERYWHERE for a good vaginal mesh lawyer. Forward me that one!

Robyn Welling said...

My vaginal mesh tends to stay out of legal trouble, but I got it a lawyer on retainer, just in case. ;)

Anonymous said...

So funny! I'd read somewhere that if you want to have people comment on your blog, you should turn off the Captcha requirement. So I did. Now, not only do I NOT get comments on my blog, I hear from Anonymous daily. The two-timing jerk!

Seriously not feeling the love. :(

Hannah @Supermommy!...Or Not. said...

Bahahahaha!! I'm "blessed" with an avid "Anonymous" commenter on my blog as well.

Robyn Welling said...

So he's two-timing us, eh? He is a jerk. That's true about CAPTCHA, and my spam filter gets most of Anon's love notes. But once one gets through, all his friends rush over and start commenting, too. It's like putting on a short skirt and walking into a frat party.

Robbie K said...

You are hilarious. You win the blogosphere today.

Robyn Welling said...

They get around, don't they? ;)

Sue at Wub Boo Mummy said...

I actually kinda miss my Anonymous stalker since installing a spam blocker on my site. I had to do it though, because I was getting about 200 comments a day. Now I'm lucky if I get any comments.

The Third Partier said...

you can go tall fishy with the &5% ;more to do the free sample try. Amazing! Tell you're friend's to!

~ anonymous

Vanessa D said...

I've only just started getting the anonymous comments. Thankfully blogger is catching most of them.

Marie said...

Very funny post!!! You captured the love between you and Anonymous perfectly:-)

Lisa @ A Little Slice of Life said...

Haha. It seems like the spam comes in groups form me. Anonymous go away!

Robyn Welling said...

Woot! I won! I'm assuming there's a cash prize... Hello?

Robyn Welling said...

Hey, you know you've arrived in the blogosphere when Anonymous sits up and takes notice! You don't want that kind of comment noise, though. ;)

Robyn Welling said...

I'll tell you're friend's to, anonymous commenting bad grammar husband bot.

Robyn Welling said...

Blogger's pretty good at catching them, but beware: if one spam comment gets through, all the other spammers rush to post comments, too. And apparently, publishing a post like this one with all their keywords doesn't help. Who knew?

Kate Hall said...

Oh man, you hit the nail on the head! I'm so sick of Anonymous. And it only seems to be getting worse. At least they're not showing up in the comments for everyone to see. :-) Congratulations on the book!!

Rory Bore said...

I have no idea how they find me. Or why they think I need good dental surgery. although I do appreciate they've noticed my post baby belly flab. And I really don't know understand how they are able to leave comments....on a comment system my blog doesn't use. vexing indeed.

they are good for a laugh every now and then, I'll give Anon that.

Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog said...

hahahaha... I may actually need a vag lawyer though after my last birth :(

Anonymous said...

I like your attitude, it's very much like my own. Only you managed to get yourself a man and children. So perhaps it's a bit exaggerated? A bit of a show? Oh well, you Americans are so fierce.

Robyn Welling said...

Thank you! It's a torrid love affair. Oh no wait, the other thing. I hate that guy.

Robyn Welling said...

Hear, hear!

Robyn Welling said...

Thanks so much! The filter does catch most of them, although I'll admit some of them are so funny I wish I could let them through. ;)

Robyn Welling said...

They're very tricky. For a guy who talks about completely irrelevant topics, often barely even using English, Anon sure is tech savvy!

Robyn Welling said...

My OB did say I might need that (she referred to it as "pee hole surgery"). Naturally I stopped going to the doctor after that!

Robyn Welling said...

98% of what I say is an exaggeration. The other 2% are lies.

Alison said...

My Anonymous is continually praising my "knowledge on the subject" and goes on to suggest that I may need "help with SEO" and the like. Why, thank you very much.

Funny post!

Robyn Welling said...

Ha! I really DO need help with SEO - I wish that Anon would give me some tips instead of his friend, who really likes my web design but wonders if I could recommend some plug ins and also visit his website. Um, sir, the only plug ins I use are air fresheners. And actually, I don't use those, either.

The Old Broad said...

LOL I clicked the doohicky ... and I never do but girl, you make me laugh out loud. Thank you!

Robyn Welling said...

Aww, I LOVE you! Thanks!

Unrelated, and not to sound like our pal Anon, but when I clicked over to your blog I couldn't help but notice that I need to steal your template immediately. Is that an option in blogger? Because I reeeeally want that antique paper background. I'll trade you a link to Payday Loans for it...

Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said...

Awesome. Is it just me or is anonymous kind of out of control lately with his commenting? It seems like it has gotten a lot worst just within the past month or so. I'm starting to get really annoyed.

Feel free to visit my page - weight loss no hamster spotting

Robyn Welling said...

I already have your most interesting page bookmarked. Well done! You might find my page useful: pancreas knitting

Jessica B said...

I'm curious if that is for teaching a pancreas how to knit or knitting but with pancreases (pancrei?) instead of yarn.

Robyn Welling said...

I think it's for making pancreatic yarn, which of course would then be used to knit new pancrei (<-- I bet that's right, although pancreases is technically made up of real words and should probably win). It can also be used for crochet, but that would be sort of gross, don't you think?

mare ball said...

When I started getting crap from anony, I turned off my anony option in the comments set up. I've not received one crap mesg. since. 99% of commentors have an ID, so you're not missing anything. Worked for me!
from The Dugout

Robyn Welling said...

Dang, I forgot you could even do that! Thanks for the tip. :)

Dyanne @ I Want Backsies said...

All my Anonymous messages invite me to porn sites. But I kind of enjoy them. The Anonymous messages, not the porn sites. I love the way they decimate the English language.

Robyn Welling said...

They are the most entertaining ones, that's for sure!

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