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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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An open letter to Anonymous




Dear Anonymous,

I just wanted to thank you for being my biggest fan. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me to see your name in the comments of almost every post I publish - sometimes multiple times, if it was a post you particularly enjoyed! I don't know how I'm able to attract your continued attention, but the praise and advice you've lavished upon me through the years has been invaluable. Or is it "unvaluable"? Hmm, I get those two confused.

For example, last week when you offered me "a professional advice for pet muscularity," I couldn't believe your good timing! I've been telling my cat that he really ought to tone up, but it's so hard to get his little legs around the Thigh Master.

Likewise, I find it really useful when you casually tack a link onto the end of your comments. If I ever need spot acne treatment, advice on losing belly fat, or an Offshore Company that provides payday loans so I can hire a vaginal mesh lawyer, I know I can always count on you to leave me a direct line to your "most valuable website." (And here I thought no one knew I had a chubby belly covered in acne - in addition to the flabby cat.)

Unfortunately I wasn't able to fully utilize your information regarding male enhancement; aside from not possessing the proper equipment for that sort of thing, I simply can't commit to a plan that must be "followed scrupulously over weeks, months, and fifty-fifty geezerhood." Nor could I decipher exactly what you meant by, "Oh I submissive babe urm…" but I'm sure I can safely assume it was every bit as insightful and relevant as all your other comments.

I really appreciate your praise, too. It makes me smile when you say things like, "Reading through this reminds me of my good old roommate! He always kept talking about this." However, I'm afraid I might need a restraining order against your roommate, since the subject of that particular post was my menstrual cycle.

Your constructive criticism is equally appreciated... but to be honest, when you say, "Literally, it seems as though you relied on the video to make your point" on a post with no video on it, it confuses me. Only a little, though, since most of my brain power is focused on not imploding over your use of one of my biggest pet peeves.

We've done a lot of communicating through the years, Anonymous. Admittedly, most of it extremely one-sided, since I delete all your comments immediately, but I've noticed that never seems to discourage you. I'm sure you understand - I just don't want everyone else to get jealous over our relationship. Other people need robotic stalkers, too! So even though I know it won't slow you down, I'm afraid I have to keep clicking delete.

You know, because of the jealousy thing.

Well, there's that, and the fact that I hate you.

Hugs,
Robyn

Please click the Top Mommy Blogs banner below - twice if you're a spammer (you owe me).
I assure you, I'll appreciate it well into my geezerhood.
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38 comments:

  1. I have been looking EVERYWHERE for a good vaginal mesh lawyer. Forward me that one!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My vaginal mesh tends to stay out of legal trouble, but I got it a lawyer on retainer, just in case. ;)

      Delete
  2. So funny! I'd read somewhere that if you want to have people comment on your blog, you should turn off the Captcha requirement. So I did. Now, not only do I NOT get comments on my blog, I hear from Anonymous daily. The two-timing jerk!

    Seriously not feeling the love. :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So he's two-timing us, eh? He is a jerk. That's true about CAPTCHA, and my spam filter gets most of Anon's love notes. But once one gets through, all his friends rush over and start commenting, too. It's like putting on a short skirt and walking into a frat party.

      Delete
  3. Bahahahaha!! I'm "blessed" with an avid "Anonymous" commenter on my blog as well.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You are hilarious. You win the blogosphere today.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Woot! I won! I'm assuming there's a cash prize... Hello?

      Delete
  5. I actually kinda miss my Anonymous stalker since installing a spam blocker on my site. I had to do it though, because I was getting about 200 comments a day. Now I'm lucky if I get any comments.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, you know you've arrived in the blogosphere when Anonymous sits up and takes notice! You don't want that kind of comment noise, though. ;)

      Delete
  6. you can go tall fishy with the &5% ;more to do the free sample try. Amazing! Tell you're friend's to!

    ~ anonymous

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll tell you're friend's to, anonymous commenting bad grammar husband bot.

      Delete
  7. I've only just started getting the anonymous comments. Thankfully blogger is catching most of them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Blogger's pretty good at catching them, but beware: if one spam comment gets through, all the other spammers rush to post comments, too. And apparently, publishing a post like this one with all their keywords doesn't help. Who knew?

      Delete
  8. Very funny post!!! You captured the love between you and Anonymous perfectly:-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! It's a torrid love affair. Oh no wait, the other thing. I hate that guy.

      Delete
  9. Haha. It seems like the spam comes in groups form me. Anonymous go away!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh man, you hit the nail on the head! I'm so sick of Anonymous. And it only seems to be getting worse. At least they're not showing up in the comments for everyone to see. :-) Congratulations on the book!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much! The filter does catch most of them, although I'll admit some of them are so funny I wish I could let them through. ;)

      Delete
  11. I have no idea how they find me. Or why they think I need good dental surgery. although I do appreciate they've noticed my post baby belly flab. And I really don't know understand how they are able to leave comments....on a comment system my blog doesn't use. vexing indeed.

    they are good for a laugh every now and then, I'll give Anon that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They're very tricky. For a guy who talks about completely irrelevant topics, often barely even using English, Anon sure is tech savvy!

      Delete
  12. hahahaha... I may actually need a vag lawyer though after my last birth :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My OB did say I might need that (she referred to it as "pee hole surgery"). Naturally I stopped going to the doctor after that!

      Delete
  13. I like your attitude, it's very much like my own. Only you managed to get yourself a man and children. So perhaps it's a bit exaggerated? A bit of a show? Oh well, you Americans are so fierce.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 98% of what I say is an exaggeration. The other 2% are lies.

      Delete
  14. My Anonymous is continually praising my "knowledge on the subject" and goes on to suggest that I may need "help with SEO" and the like. Why, thank you very much.

    Funny post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! I really DO need help with SEO - I wish that Anon would give me some tips instead of his friend, who really likes my web design but wonders if I could recommend some plug ins and also visit his website. Um, sir, the only plug ins I use are air fresheners. And actually, I don't use those, either.

      Delete
  15. LOL I clicked the doohicky ... and I never do but girl, you make me laugh out loud. Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aww, I LOVE you! Thanks!

      Unrelated, and not to sound like our pal Anon, but when I clicked over to your blog I couldn't help but notice that I need to steal your template immediately. Is that an option in blogger? Because I reeeeally want that antique paper background. I'll trade you a link to Payday Loans for it...

      Delete
  16. Awesome. Is it just me or is anonymous kind of out of control lately with his commenting? It seems like it has gotten a lot worst just within the past month or so. I'm starting to get really annoyed.

    Feel free to visit my page - weight loss no hamster spotting

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I already have your most interesting page bookmarked. Well done! You might find my page useful: pancreas knitting

      Delete
    2. I'm curious if that is for teaching a pancreas how to knit or knitting but with pancreases (pancrei?) instead of yarn.

      Delete
    3. I think it's for making pancreatic yarn, which of course would then be used to knit new pancrei (<-- I bet that's right, although pancreases is technically made up of real words and should probably win). It can also be used for crochet, but that would be sort of gross, don't you think?

      Delete
  17. When I started getting crap from anony, I turned off my anony option in the comments set up. I've not received one crap mesg. since. 99% of commentors have an ID, so you're not missing anything. Worked for me!
    from The Dugout

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dang, I forgot you could even do that! Thanks for the tip. :)

      Delete
  18. All my Anonymous messages invite me to porn sites. But I kind of enjoy them. The Anonymous messages, not the porn sites. I love the way they decimate the English language.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They are the most entertaining ones, that's for sure!

      Delete

Thank you for commenting - you're awesome! I mean, even if you're a jerk, at least it means you read my blog. RIGHT?!?