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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Stuff On TV That Sucks

One day, my mom and I were talking about all the garbage that's available to watch on TV.


There are endless channels and programs to wade through, and most of them do suck, but she pointed out that you can eliminate the worst of them using a simple set of guidelines - just look for certain words and phrases in the cable guide description, and avoid the ones that you've already determined will pretty much guarantee you won't enjoy the program.

For example, her Words and Phrases To Avoid On the Cable Guide list includes:
  • hilarious (if they have to point it out, it won't be funny)
  • psychotic
  • terror/slasher/apocalyptic horror gem
  • resurrected from hell
  • "a desperate crew of miniature alien humanoids"
  • teenage/high school/"anxieties of adolescence"
  • no one gets out alive
  • "he teams with a porn movie queen to solve the mystery"
  • giant mutated lizard
  • vigilante
These are actual, real things she saw in movie descriptions. No lie. Based on the rest of her list, I created a movie she would never, ever, ever be caught dead watching.


I, on the other hand, might actually watch that show. Okay, probably not, unless Miley Cyrus got eaten by zombie within the first thirty seconds. Here's something I'm sure I wouldn't tune in for, though.


Whereas my husband would probably be most likely to avoid this one.


Okay, so there might not be a consensus on what that worst program is for adults, but I think everyone can agree that the vast majority of kids' programs suck. That's why I'm over at Mommy Shorts today with my ideas for how to fix a few of the children's shows we love to hate. Or, more accurately, the ones we hate to hate. Max and Ruby, I'm looking at you.


If you're here from Mommy Shorts - welcome! Please note the clicky things all over my blog that are good for clicking and stalking. Not sure yet that I'm stalk-worthy? Checking out some of my most popular posts might help persuade you. Meanwhile, I'll pour us all a nice, tall glass of this special Kool Aid...

Sooo... what's on your Must Avoid list?
While you're thinking about it, check out my post over at Mommy Shorts,
and click the Top Mommy Blogs banner below like it's the mute button on Elmo's World!
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I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely. I get extra-pathetic when I'm lonely.


20 comments:

  1. I've already seen Kung Fu Baseball Escape From Hell. That's the third in the series. Classics, all.

    When I read "Stuff on TV that sucks" I expected this to be the LONGEST BLOG POST EVER. But you managed to squeeze quite a bit of that which sucks about TV into a hilarious but bite-sized morsel. Well played.

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    1. I'm sure you must've seen those while I was asleep. Or in a self-inflicted coma.

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  2. Lately I seem to be avoiding all TV, but this weekend I thought I'd give it another chance - because I had laundry to fold. Except now, I have no idea what any of the shows are about and I ended up just folding laundry while the neighbor visited. I'll have to try again tonight though before the mountain takes over my living room.

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    1. We haven't been watching too much lately either, and I can't say I miss it one bit. Of course that's said mostly out of fear of getting sucked back in to my old favorite shows' plot lines. ;)

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  3. That's why I stick to sports and Food Network.

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    1. Definitely much, much safer that way. :)

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  4. I laughed out loud at the martial arts in a lengthy montage. What does it say about me, that I'd probably give that movie a shot?

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    1. That's the sad part - there's almost nothing I wouldn't watch for at least a few minutes, because even if it's terrible, there's a chance it'll redeem itself by being so terrible it's funny. We're too lenient, I think. ;)

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  5. I watch everything ON Demand, I know which shows I want to watch, but I never know when they are on. I can't stand flipping aimlessly through all that garbage...I always feel stupider, not that I'm DVR intellegent shows...

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    1. That's smart, though - plus it eliminates one of the problems I have, which is flipping past a show for "just a second" and then getting totally engrossed in a program I didn't even mean to see. Then still not seeing the stuff I meant to watch. ON Demand is like wearing blinders for TV.

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  6. "The Summer of Weeping and Yearning". Lifetime, right? LOL So funny and TRUE! And girl, your website is GORGEOUS! Kudos on a beautiful design!

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    1. If it isn't on Lifetime, it sure should be! Thanks so much for the compliment, too - it's a work in progress, so I love the feedback (especially positive feedback). ;D

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  7. Just avoid the Kardashians and any of those reality crap..

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  8. dude, do you have any idea how much money you would make writing those *exact* movies for the syfy channel??? i'll be your pr person and your biggest fan ;) of course, you would have to agree to tiffany and debbie gibson instead of miley cyrus and the jonas brothers, but these are minor details...

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    1. You mean those crappy ideas are worth something?!? Let's get on it, they can have Screech from Saved By the Bell star in them for all I care!

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  9. For some reason, the first two pictures (not counting the title card) won't load...

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    1. Thanks for letting me know - they're hosted on another site, so if they're getting tons of traffic sometimes it interrupts my photos loading. Usually a refresh of the page sets things right - thanks again, and sorry you had trouble with the graphics!

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  10. Good post Robyn. If you ever do one on books, I'd like to suggest the "Baby Einstein" series. Some of those literary delights have one word per page...I think even a newborn could handle a full sentence. And just like "hilarious" being your first bullet point, if they have to point out "Einstein" it's probably not going to make your kid a genius. It's just like the worst apple ever: red delicious. If if was really delicious, then you shouldn't have to say it.

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    1. I'm so with you on the Baby Einstein stuff; I don't know if things have changed, but back when I used to shop for baby stuff it was practically grounds for calling CPS if a new baby wasn't up to his eyeballs in Baby Einstein stuff. You have some excellent points, as well as gave me another reason to hate red delicious apples (which, incidentally, are NOT delicious). Thanks!

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