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Monday, February 11, 2013

I'm Here To Serve You, Searchers

Once again, it's become clear that I'm not meeting everyone's reading needs. This is based, of course, on common sense, as well as a quick review of the search terms that people used to find my blog. These explorers of the innerwebs must've left Hollow Tree Ventures feeling disappointed, confused, and quite possibly deeply offended. Just like everyone else.

Although it's probably too late to help anyone who was lead here by a Google search and then was driven away by my utter lack of useful content, I'll attempt to address their needs anyway because, let's face it, I don't have anything else going on.



Question: when love a drug is then I think I'm addicted
You're obviously either drunk or Yoda, but either way, me too.

Question: cats are stupid
I don't typically get involved in political discussions, like the ones that rage between pro-doggers and pro-catters, but my advice is to just learn to live with it. I might never understand why my cat eats food that smells like two skunks that choked on rotten Limburger cheese and died, or why he barfs on the windowsill and occasionally creates inappropriate litter boxes. Sure, he refuses to catch bugs yet will ferociously attack the corner of the rug, and he meows loudly at the bedroom door to ask if the baby's asleep yet, and his fur is on everything, but... Wait, what was my point?

Question: the only teaching is silence
Clearly I can't help you, since your search term is more profound than anything I've ever written. As a matter of fact, feel free to take over and write my posts for me from now on, because so far I've only succeeded in embarrassing myself.

Question: how to get out from the hollow tree in poptropica ehow
I'd have to ask my son, who would probably just talk to you for 20 minutes about personalized avatars and then Google it for you, the same way you did, and the last thing I need is for my kid to accidentally Google my blog.

Question: you are mean
This is less of a question and more of a statement; a shocking number of you got here by searching for that, so I can only assume that you're right. I am  mean. Now shut up and get the hell off my blog.

Question: baby hip brace
That's both adorable and depressing.

Question: too much drink apologies
Now you're speaking my language! When you've had too many adult beverages and need to apologize, my advice is to drink some more, in order to work up the nerve to approach the offended individual(s). Just keep doing that, until you're pretty sure they've forgotten that they're mad. Then - and this is key - make sure you never bring it up.

Question: I'll never trust a single word you say
That's probably an excellent policy.

To those of you who searched fat girls in yoga pants, thick girls in yoga pants, moms walking in yoga pants, and when your yoga pants are way too long: it's nice to finally meet a group of Internet enthusiasts who are even more obsessed with yoga pants than I am.

To those of you who searched paper radio blog, stuffy the oreo, kids tell the truth, ugly teacher sweaters halloween, I love clogging cases for iPhone, and no heel hightop high heels: those are not real things. Don't waste your time looking, not even on the web. Contrary to popular belief, you can't actually find everything  on the Internet, not even a kid who tells the truth.

To those of you who searched wallpaper children with facial expressions, as soon as she touched "meme," here's what my brain looks like, me peeing in a shower, and cat shit heart: I think there might me something wrong with your head. Have you been falling down a lot lately? Please seek medical attention - far, far away from me. Preferably in a place that'll fit you with one of those nice jackets with sleeves that tie in the back.

These search terms seemed weird at first, but then I realized that, sadly, I've written about all of them:
So I guess "here's what my brain looks like" isn't the only one around here who needs to have her head examined. My apologies to you all.

Please click the banner below to vote, and I'll sheepishly admit that "me peeing in a shower" was also a valid search.
Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory


I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely. I get extra-pathetic when I'm lonely.


22 comments:

  1. LOL!!! Love the list, Robyn!! I wish I was this exciting!! :D

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    1. I wish I was, too! I often wonder how anyone finds anything on the Internet, what with the way Google apparently chooses sites at random. ;)

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  2. Your search terms are far more entertaining than mine. But I'm not sure I want it any other way. :)

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    1. Mine are pretty tame compared to a lot of people, and I know what you mean - it starts to get scary after a while. :)

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  3. I wrote stripper ONE time in ONE Post. ONE DADGUM TIME. The search that brings most people to my blog? "Stripper Girls". They must be so disappointed when they get to my site.

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    1. Ha! It is freaky how one simple word can so easily get twisted, especially when pervs are involved. I'm eternally grateful that my husband encouraged me to invent the word p-horn so I could avoid pervy searches without having to be classy. ;)

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  4. OMG! Cat shit heart?! Too much drink apologies?! Dying!

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    1. Right? It kills me that someone actually a) wanted information about this stuff, and b) typed it into a search engine. Whhhhyyyyyyyy???

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  5. Too much drink apologies made me laugh out loud. Oh, and: I am mean. Yep, the meanest. That's what everyone is always saying. There goes mean old Robyn with her half-dead, undernourished donkey and her spittoon.

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    1. That's right, look out! I'm a no holds barred, take no prisoners, blah blah blah I'm too tired to be mean. I try to feed the donkey, but he's a really picky eater.

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  6. This was hilarious! It seems your search terms are far more interesting than mine. And, now I'm wondering if I'm not optimizing my blog as well as I should be. I know I've written about some weird stuff.

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    1. Whatever optimizing might be happening around here is totally accidental, I assure you. ;)

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  7. I just googled 'utter lack of useful content' and didn't get anywhere near your site. This one made me laugh..SO MUCH.

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    1. Thanks, I'm so glad! But now I kind of want to somehow make my blog come up in that search, if only I knew something about blogging. (I wish I was joking!)

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  8. LOL... giggling through the list. My searches are so nice in comparison... though "my pedo daddy trains 4yo.... " is one and that was down right disturbing... plus a bunch of people have gotten to my blog through some random Finnish website... smh. Google is strange.

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    1. It sure is, but at least you can add "international audience" to your resume, right?

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  9. You sure know how to pack the aisles! I get a lot of people searching for boobies. I may over-use that word on occasion. Lesson learned.

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    1. I don't think it's possible to overuse the word boobies - they're two of my favorite topics! Plus, you know those searches are high-quality referrals (?).

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  10. just in time for valentine's day i find out that you can get a cat shit heart?!?! thank you, thank you hollow tree ventures, your google search term psychotics have surely saved my relationship!

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    1. I know, I was excited too! My husband, probably not so much. ;)

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  11. Didn't Nirvana write a song about that?

    She eyes me like a Siamese when I am weak
    I've been locked inside your heart-shaped cat poo for weeks
    I've been drawn into your magnet tar pit trap
    I wish I could eat your friskies when you turn black

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    1. Hahahahahahahahaha - you're a funny man. Hey, wait, your cat lyrics are great, forever in debt to your priceless comments.

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Thank you for commenting - you're awesome! I mean, even if you're a jerk, at least it means you read my blog. RIGHT?!?