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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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7 Non-Valentines


Gerry and I have an agreement. We love each other. Every day. Period.

We don't acknowledge Valentines' Day, because it's a silly made-up greeting card holiday, and also because we're trying to eat less chocolate. Plus, we're broke. Oh yeah, not to mention the loving each other every day regardless of whether or not it's February 14th thing that I mentioned earlier.

Which is good news, because it frees up my blogging calendar to allow for snark instead of goopy sappiness today, which I'll save to share with Gerry later so we can both roll our eyes at how terrible I am at goopy sappiness.

It also freed up my Valentine-making skillz (as the kids say) (or maybe they don't - whatever) so that I could create these: the non-Valentines I'd like  to send, if I celebrated Valentines' Day. Which I don't. And I suppose you're about to see why. It might have something to do with the story of my life being written entirely in the sarcasm font.








That's it, that's as romantic as I get. I know, Gerry's a lucky guy.

So, who would your  snarky Valentine go to? You know, if you were into that sort of thing.

Hey, look - a Top Mommy Blogs button! If you click it, I'll be your non-Valentine...
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I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely.


58 comments:

  1. What was so wrong with Berenstein Bears?

    Oh yeah, they suck to read out loud.

    Complete agreement on the whole love each other every day and forget about the greeting card holiday.

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    1. Thanks! I wish I had a really good reason for the Berenstain Bears thing, but it's mainly just an irrational loathing. They're lucky I didn't run over them before dropping them in the donation box. ;)

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  2. Hubby and I are also not big on celebrating Valentine's day in the conventional sense. Neither of us is particularly romantic, and we both feel a little silly making a big deal of Valentine's when our wedding anniversary is just 2 weeks later.

    Instead, we have this awesome tradition. We wait until the 15th and go stock up on discounted candy. Then we drop the kids off at my mother-in-law's and spend the night watching bad horror movies and hilarious comedies (Army of Darkness, anyone?).

    Although this year was a little different because hubby bought me a coffee maker. It's a fancy coffee maker and it almost made me think maybe I should be buying into this whole fake holiday ...

    Then I read through your Sarc-entines and decided it's way more fun to point and laugh at the goopy, sappy stuff.

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    1. Okay, A) sarc-entines = I love it

      B) I'm totally stealing that tradition - genius!

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  3. It is hard to break up with your maternity clothes. Maternity underwear is a different story. I'm keeping mine forever. Forget those lacy jobs that creep , on a chilly day I can hike up my grannies around my shoulders like a shawl. That's just plain sensible comfort.

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    1. Haha! Too true on the undies/shawl double duty! As for the pants, I keep trying to tell them, "Ot's not you, it's me," and for once it's true! I'm the one who still can't fit into my old jeans, so I guess I should go easy on my old friends. After all, they've stuck with me through so many waist lines.

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    2. OH! I love my maternity underwear - my baby is 3 and I am still rocking them like a granny! Devan

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    3. Ain't nothin' wrong with comfort, sister.

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  4. Outstanding! I am annoyed with myself every time I share something on Twitter and not Facebook, but then I think, "Facebook wouldn't appreciate this comedy gold. Facebook doesn't deserve it." But, ultimately, Twitter never seems to appreciate it either.

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    1. Laughing out loud - it's like you're narrating my internal dialogue. And yet, I love them both so much; there's probably a support group for this.

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  5. Love it! Twitter one is great!
    I have a couple maternity shirts I wear plus the pajamas that got stretched out during maternity.

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    1. Oh yeah, I forgot about those stretchy jeans I "ruined" by wearing them through my entire first pregnancy! I bet they'd be perfect now, if I could fit my thighs into the leg holes.

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  6. Ok, so I don't ever actually laugh out loud while on the computer and hiding from my 4 yr old.....but I totally smiled. And showed my teeth which is the same as if I fell on the floor in a fit of hysterics. So what I'm saying is....this was great! And I haven't posted a thing on my personal FB page in over a week cause I can't think of anything nice to say. And mama always said.....well you know.

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    1. Thank you! I totally get the no-lol-but-showed-teeth thing, and I'm flattered! And I can relate on the Facebook front; you can hear crickets on my personal profile. :)

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  7. My favorite is the heartfelt and emotional Valentine to Kim Kardashian. I laughed, I cried!

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    1. Thanks! I don't understand her; it's like she wants to be in the spotlight all the time for the attention, yet it seems like if she cared what people thought she'd have heeded out pleas for her to slip back into obscurity. *shrug*

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  8. Why do people like the Kardashians?! I just don't understand!

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    1. It's truly one of the great mysteries of the universe.

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  9. The thing about the Berenstain Bears that irks me the most is the way they nonchalantly go from rhyming on one page to not rhyming on the next which throws me off when reading them out loud to the kids. Real dick move Berenstain Bears.

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  10. I love them all. I am a firm believer that bangs bring nothing but pain and regret.

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    1. Thanks! I have not, personally, had good experiences with bangs. They look super cute on other people, but me? Not so much. That goes for a lot of things, I guess. ;)

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  11. The Berenstain Bears are The. Worst Ever.

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  12. All this time I've been jealous of your brilliant writing, but now you've gone and made a poem for Kim Kardashian and shown us that you're an amazing poet, too? Bragger.

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    1. No, NOW I'm a bragger, since I'm going to be telling everyone that TGNDDAS used the word brilliant in the same sentence where she mentioned me!

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  13. I am so with you on this...and Kim K....what is it with her and her whole family. My blog post is in a similar vein.

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    1. I guess that's one thing they're good for - blog fodder. ;)

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  14. RE: Berenstain Bears - Is it bad that "Love you Forever" COMPLETELY CREEPS ME OUT? Also - awesome post - so awesome I wish I had thought of first. Maybe by next Valentine's everyone will forget you did this and I can come up with some of my own. ;)

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    1. Completely agree on the Love You Forever front. Mega creepsville.

      Glad you liked the post! Believe me, Valentine's Day will still be stupid next year. ;)

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  15. Seriously, Valentine's Day, cover up that baby. I think we've all been worried about that. I just didn't want to be the ass who calls social services.

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    1. I'd call, but I don't mess with anyone who arms their infant with a crossbow.

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  16. The twitter one is my fave. Facebook is easily offended.

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    1. I'm afraid to sneeze near Facebook, for fear people will unfollow because of the germs.

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    2. I could get 20 new follows but am still upset by every unfollow :-( maybe I need Twitter therapy...

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    3. I'm upset by every unfollow, too. What makes it worse is that I can't ask why or beg them to come back because they don't follow me anymore! Nooooooo!!!

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  17. I wear clothes with zippers, but I just don't zipper them. I cover it with my (as my husband puts it) long grandma sweater.

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    1. To do: Invest in long grandma sweaters. Thanks for the tip!

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  18. Hear, hear to Kim Kardashian! May you drift off to sea, to be adopted by killer whales. Or pirates.

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    1. I love that you went the extra step of wishing for an ill-fated adoption. I would have stopped with her drifting off to sea, but this is so much better. Let's cover her with chum before we send her off, to ensure a new family finds her.

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  19. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  20. I agree with most off these wholeheartedly- especially bangs! I almost took them back again last week. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

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    1. Don't be too hard on yourself - I had a brief reunion with perms! In college, no less - I should have known better. Talk about some morning-after regret. Sheesh

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  21. I was just thinking about what a loser I was on Pinterest on Valentines Day... Now I know I'm not alone and having way more fun reading this while wearing my maternity yoga pants (no i dont do yoga and yes I really am and no not pregnant)... Anyway, the Kim Kardashian one was my favorite lol!

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    1. Yay, someone else is here on the interweb with me on Valentine's Day! And we're both wearing maternity yoga pants without the intended triggering events (pregnancy or yoga)! Love that you're here. :)

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    2. Sad as it may be to admit this, but I'm so enjoying spending Valentines Day on Pinterest and now stumbling across funny posts like this one because I never get a break to read anymore.... may as well paint an L on my forehead, but at least I'm enjoying myself... Hope you're having an equally enjoyable evening ;-)

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    3. Hear, hear! It's all about treating yourself, and indulging in some "me" time and getting some laughs is the way the Cool Kids do it. ;)

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  22. A Big LOL with the bangs! Its true! i feel the same way! :)

    Crazylittlethingcalledblog.com

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    1. It's sort of a relief, really, to hear I'm not alone in the bang thing - sometimes I think I just feel that way because I had them when I was a kid so that's why they make me feel like a kid. Apparently it isn't just me, though. Whew! ;) Thanks for being here!

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  23. You've got me cracking up! How I never stumbled upon your blog before is mind boggling disappointing. And I am totally with you in regards to the bang thing. But then again, if I didn't have a calick, I might not mind them so much. :-P

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    1. We could try to bring back curled, Aqua Netted mall hair to tame out unruly bangs, except then we'd have to deal with 80s mall hair. :/

      However you found me, I'm SO glad you did! I'll attempt not to screw up our budding relationship by acting the way I usually do. ;)

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  24. Thank you for the one to Kim Kardashian. For the love of god, thank you!

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    1. Now if only she could read, it might do some good.

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  25. Lol, I had to read this JUST for the Kim Kardashian Valentine. I second that, and thank you for the laugh!

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    1. Thanks for being here! We should start an anti-Kim K support group. Not that it would do any good, but it would be wildly popular and give us a chance to giggle about stuff and drink wine. :)

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  26. Dear cellphone-in-tumbling-class Parents/Nannies,
    I know you're, like, super important, but after you're finished discussing what buttercream to put on Junior's bday cupcakes, could you please come and pry his fingers off of my kid's eyeball? And that other kid's ear?
    Love,
    A mom that also wants to check her Facebook but will wait for a more appropriate time (when no one can see that she's ignoring her kid to do so)

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    1. Oh. My. Word. Perfect! "...could you please come and pry his fingers off of my kid's eyeball?" Hahahaha!

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