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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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10 Dumbest Things I've Bought

You already know that I (by all appearances) enjoy doing stupid stuff. I'll share a little secret with you, though: sometimes I don't really enjoy it all that much. I just make it look effortless - or so I've been told.

Here's another secret: I hate wasting money. Not that I have any money to waste, which is probably why I hate it so much.

What that means, essentially, is that the stupidest  stupid thing I can do is buy stupid stuff that wastes money. Clearly my logic is flawed somewhere, because everyone knows the stupidest stupid thing you can do is start a blog where you share all kinds of embarrassingly idiotic stuff you've done and said, but whatever. The point is, I don't think I've yet made a list of all the stupid things I've purchased in my life. Obviously a list of all the dumb stuff I've bought wouldn't fit into a single Internet, so after some good old-fashioned pondering, I narrowed it down to 10 things.


  1. Jeans that are too small, but were too good to pass up because there was a really mind-blowingly spectacular sale and I figured even though they didn't have my size, I could use the tiny ones as incentive to lose a few pounds. It's like I've never even met me - the $10 Size 8 Designer Jeans incentive program has never, ever, not even once inspired me to skip inhaling a single Klondike bar. And yet I keep falling for it.

  2. Bibs, because:
    • you get 10,000 at your first baby shower
    • you get 10,000 more at subsequent baby showers, even though you still have all the old ones, which you never threw out because it doesn't matter if they're stained
    • you rarely use any of them, because babies are born with completely screwed up aim that prevents their poop from even touching their diaper half the time, and ensures that at least 90% of what they eat will fall on the 2% of their outfit that isn't protected by a bib anyway

  3. Diet Coke Plus, which was (Is? Do they still make that stuff?) soda with vitamins and minerals, and tasted exactly like drinking a Diet Coke while chewing on a Centrum Complete.

  4. Copies of movies you'll only watch once. I learned this lesson as a teen with birthday money burning a hole in my pocket; I saw a VHS tape (look it up, young'uns) of a movie I liked and wanted my friend to see. Too impatient to rent, I bought it - but it was so terrible we couldn't sit through the whole thing. It was then I learned the hard way that you can't return stuff after it's been opened. You can probably still find the tape where I left it - in a potted plant outside the Greenwood Park Mall.

  5. Home hair removal systems that aren't razors (Epilady, I'm looking at you).

  6. Maternity panty hose. Pregnant women are already uncomfortable enough, the least they should get is a reprieve from hosiery.

  7. Crib bedding, since you're not allowed to use it and my third baby has never slept in her crib anyway (don't tell my pediatrician). Yet has every single one of my children had their own coordinated, forbidden-by-medical-experts bumper and quilt set? Of course.

  8. Cigarettes, which were an impulse buy one day at the store with my roommate in college, who was a smoker but tried to anti-peer-pressure me by repeatedly urging me not to be a dumbass. Who decides on a whim to start smoking, against the advice of trusted smokers? Me, I guess. I quit for good about three years ago, but there are still moments when I would punch a kitten for half a puff.

  9. Those gadgets that are supposed to paint around window and door trim without having to use painter's tape. Pro tip: Just tape off the damn trim. It's a pain, yes, but it's faster than trying to scrape dried paint off your window frame.

  10. Diet pills - totally stupid. Just incredibly idiotic. Unless you know of some that work, in which case I'm totally ready to try them again.
I could go on - and on - but I feel like I should go take my own name off my bank account now, lest I be tempted to buy something stupid again.

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Thanks to Stasha at The Good Life for today's Monday Listicle prompt, 10 Dumbest Purchases.

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely.


84 comments:

  1. very fun post - gave me a needed smile for the day :) Love your sense of humour too :)

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  2. Anytime I read or hear of someone who has kicked the smoking habit to the curb I get inspired that I might be able to do that too.

    I will buy movies and books that I only intend to read or watch once. In the long run it's cheaper than the late fees.

    Buying pants that are too small never works for me as a diet aid either. On the other hand buying nice comfy pants seems to trigger overeating that turns those comfy pants into tight pants. Every single time.

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    1. Ditto on the comfy pants - they usually end up being my tight pants eventually. And ditto on the books, because dusty, unread books look way cooler on a shelf than dusty, unwatched movies. ;)

      As for the smoking, you'll know when the time is right for you to quit, and you'll be able to do it! :)

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  3. LMAO, punch a kitten, I have to use that line. Great list.

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    1. Thanks - for the record, I'd never punch a kitten. They're too short - easier to punt.

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  4. Crib sets are such a scam!!! Even if we only get suckered in on our first kid, they still make a killing since they are freaking expensive. I lucked out and had a friend give me her old one. So I got to set it up for a few months before my first kid was born, then pack it away. He's four now.

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    1. Yeah, how can crib sets be as expensive as a queen sized bedding set??? Something seems not quite right there... Glad you found a way around buying one!

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  5. I agree with you on the bibs point. They are generally a total waste of time.

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    1. Right? Plus, my baby hates them, so if I pull one out she turns into a human pinball. I don't even try anymore.

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  6. Nodding my head to the crib quilt and bumper set. Why do women who have clearly had babies 1) Let you register for that shizz 2) Pay good money for it off of your registry??
    My husband has determined the ONLY thing that needs to be on a baby registry is diapers.

    And thanks for calling out those stupid trim painters! I keep buying them---they don't work---I add them to the drawer of failure in the garage. Why won't I throw them away? I'll never know if they spontaneously start working again because I will never give them a second chance. Like ever.

    Funny as always. Ellen

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    1. Ellen, I shoulda known you'd have a collection of those dumb things too! My kindred DIY spirit, as usual. :)

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  7. Yeah my sister got the Epilady, it stopped on her leg mid pull. She never used it again. Great list..

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    1. Thanks! Not only does that Epilady not work, but you have to grow your hair out to Sasquatch levels to even give it a try - if a woman's the kind of person interested in yanking her leg hair out to have smooth legs longer, she's probably not the type to be patient with furriness for a month while she waits.

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  8. Diet pills always made me really shaky and sick to my stomach. I suppose that could have worked to help me into those too small pants I bought, but I never stuck to it. I am the queen of buying things we don't need now necause the boy talk me into it. I think I'm finally on to them now.

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    1. I never tried any diet pills that were effective enough to make me shake, they just never did *anything*. But I think that's part of what bugged me - I was taking pills with stuff (?) in them, so I'm sure it had to be doing something to me. But it wasn't making me lose weight, so... what was happening in there?!?

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    2. Also, they kill people on a fairly regular basis.

      Now *there's* a weight loss plan. With rare exception, death will make one thinner.

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    3. Not the ones I took. I think they might've been Pez.

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  9. Ha! I love the Epilady comment, I had that on mine to...that thing is the worst invention ever, I'd rather go get waxed anyday!! ugh!

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    1. Did you really? What are the odds - I was afraid nobody would know what I was talking about. ;) Thanks for the reassurance - I'm off to check out your list!

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  10. I was thinking about doing this, then realized all my recent purchases have been too stupid. Baby toys, I'm looking at you!

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    1. Ha! I thought about kids' toys, but I figured if I started down that path the whole list would be toys (and then some!). :)

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  11. I bought one of those paint gadgets once - made a much bigger mess than I would have just winging it with a paintbrush. Funny list!

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    1. I hate those things so much - I'm glad I'm not the only one who can't make them work. :) Thanks for being here!

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  12. Shout out to the Greenwood Park Mall! Whoot whoot! That's how I started smoking too. I was like, "You shouldn't do that anymore. Its bad for you! I'm gonna confiscate them...hey these are pretty gooood." And then I proceeded to commit suicide slowly over the subsequent 15 years. I never told any body this, but punching kittens was the most effective smoking cessation tool I found. It really took the edge off the cravings.

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    1. There's virtually no problem that can't be solved by punching a couple kittens. Unless the problem is that you're dangerously addicted to punching kittens - then I guess you'd have to punch something else for a while. ;)

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  13. I'm right with you on "skinny" pants, skirts, shirts and dresses. They are taking up a ton of space in my closet, and I don't dare give/throw them away because I just *know* they'll fit someday. And come back in style. Old stuff comes back in style after a decade or so, right?

    My one sad, dumb purchase is the Sketchers Shape-ups. No, I did not suffer any damage or injury (like those lawyer/lawsuit commercials suggest), but they were not the miracle workers I was hoping they'd be.

    Imagine a sparkly-eyed me justifying the at-the-time-expensive purchase by the fact that these shoes will have me exercising "even when I'm not!". Oh, and that they'll pay themselves off with all the food we'll be saving with a trimmer, slimmer me. I hugged those shoes and wore them as soon as we got home.

    Of course, the shoes were not *truly* miraculous. They didn't turn my rigorous channel-surfing and stuff-my-face-with-oreos-and-popcorn into fat-burning exercise. They were also kind of tight and got really smelly when my baby flung baby food on them and I didn't clean them for a couple of days).

    So, now they sit in the back of the garage, next to the "ab-master" that also did not live up to its miraculous abs-of-steel building potential.

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    1. I've heard bad reviews of the Shape-Ups before, and they always break my heart - I want them to work SO badly!

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    2. I have shape ups....sigh. I call them 'my special shoes' cause I feel like Forrestt Gump with shoes to help me with my 'problems'. I still wear them on occasion but I dont like them. and they are Ugly. Devan

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    3. I thought they were pretty cute - at first. There aren't very many things that grow *off* you, but Shape Ups seem to be one of them. :/

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    4. I can tell you with zero hesitation that those Shape-Ups have never, ever been cute. Not at first, or at second, or even at third.

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    5. Hush, you don't know.

      (psssst, he's right, but I try never to let him know he was right about anything aside from marrying me.)

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  14. #9 I think the worst part of painting a room is the dread of prepping it. It leads us to all sorts of buyer's regret and procrastinator's remorse.

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    1. Ha, too true! The worst is when you paint the whole room, take down the tape, and then decide the color's all wrong. If prepping and painting a room is hard, reprepping and repainting is hard times infinity.

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  15. I have been eyeballing a $400 "new" hair removal system. I am quite certain if I pull the trigger it will be a terrible decision. And yet...One of these damn things has GOT to work! It's made by a company in Korea or China, b/c you know who knows about stubborn hair removal? Smooth, hairless Asians.

    What I need is something that touts "Made by Greeks for Greeks" :/

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I'm choking on my laughter so I don't wake the baby, so thanks for that. ;)

      It sounds like you have a million-dollar product idea, there! Sadly, if something like that doesn't already exist, it makes me think maybe it's because there's just no way to get us hairy gals smooth. **pouts**

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    2. Because you are SOOOOOOOO hairy. You don't really look like B Harrison or Jesus, you know. Or even the Zelf on the shelf.

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  16. Oh yes- bibs. I gave up and started taking my babies' shirts off when they would eat instead.

    I've done that with the jeans, too.

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    1. The first time I read that I thought, "I take my baby's shirt off when she eats, too, but I don't usually take off her jeans." Then I realized what you meant - duh. ;)

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    2. I'm going to start de-pantsing to eat, too. Except then I won't have anything to wipe my hands on.

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    3. Hahaha! You mean the baby won't have anywhere to wipe her hands.

      Note to readers: Our baby thinks we're giant napkins.

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  17. This is honestly probably one of my favorite Monday Listicle posts ever!! Oh my Jesus, YES to every.single.thing. including #8...do not tell my children!!-Ashley
    P.S. Am signing my name so that Lisa doesn't get a bad reputation by default! ;)

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    1. Hahaha! Thanks, and no worries of judgement here, for either of you - just don't tell my children, either! ;)

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  18. Greenwood park mall?!?!? I was just there yesterday. If I would have known, I would have looked for the tape. :)
    I want to go to Babies r us and tell every woman in there with a registry gun to put the darn thing away. Can I create my own job where I do the registries for the poor, unsuspecting new moms-to-be?
    I'm glad you mentioned the Epilady. For years I have wondered if I missed out on the one perfect solution to leg hair.
    great list.

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    1. They still have the Greenwood Mall??? Sigh, how I miss my misspent youth in those hallowed halls.

      If they don't have that job description, saving new moms from themselves with the registry gun, they absolutely should create it. "Ma'am, but down the wipe warmer and back away slowly. It's okay, we're professionals."

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  19. This list had me cracking up out loud - very witty sense of humor.

    I especially like the jeans incentive program...I don't know why we do that to ourselves. I do this with dresses, and it has not worked for me yet.

    I found your blog today through Monday Listicles.

    Have a great day!
    http://artpark78.com/blog1

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    1. Thanks so much for being here! I didn't even think of doing it with anything other than jeans, but yesterday I found a stash of skirts I bought, apparently at a time in my life when I thought I might start wearing skirts. I never did, nor would I have ever have fit into one of these if I'd wanted to.

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    2. I'm really, really glad you found your skirts.

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  20. I nearly bought an Epilady back in the day. I'm glad I didn't.

    --Kathy @Little Cheesehead on the Prairie

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    1. I fell for it, and could never wait for my leg hair to grow out the required 8 inches for the thing to work. Thanks for stopping by!

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  21. I know there are some (many?) of you out there who don't consider me normal, but I used an Epilady for years & loved it. Now that I'm old, my leg & underarm hair has stopped growing.

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    1. I would ask how you got it to work, but I don't have mine anymore and I don't want to be tempted to buy another. Which I would do.

      When can I look forward to my leg and underarm hair going away??? Is it when the hair migrates to my upper lip? Because, too late.

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  22. Punch a kitten...snort! Wait, they seriously make maternity panty hose? That seems cruel. And really unattractive. I can't even picture it. Luckily I was always able to wear jeans to work when pregnant. I'd punch a kitten if I could wear my maternity jeans again right now. Which brings us back to the buying too small jeans phenomenon. Sigh....

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    1. Yup, they make 'em - in fact, I just found a pair when my baby "organized" my hosiery drawer (more of a bucket than a drawer, really) for me. I'm sure those'll come in handy some day. Like, maybe if I need something stretchy to make a slingshot for catapulting VW buses.

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  23. The concept of Diet Coke Plus is absurd enough to make me ACTUALLY laugh out loud.

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    1. I think they still make it, too! It's a crazy world.

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  24. Yeah, I have jeans of every size from 6 (seriously, I have never nor will EVER fit into a 6!) up to 16 (I may even have an 18)!! The ones from 12 down still have tags on them. I make WAY too many stupid purchases to even begin a list. Not only do I love infomercials but I am a pack rat (old timey word for hoarder), which is not a good combo. :\
    Funny stuff lady! <3 Devan

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    1. I actually DID used to be a size 6 (*weeps*), but only because I starved myself and worked out 90 minutes a day. Clearly my body doesn't want to be that size, or it wouldn't make me work so hard at it - or love Kit Kats so much. ;) I think my 6s are the only jeans I have gotten rid of, but I have 8 to 16, too!

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  25. The jeans item is my favorite :) It's inspired me to do a "Stupid Ways I've Spent Money" post.

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  26. Love the "wouldn't fit into a single Internet." And the coke & centrum bit. I've never even heard of Coke Plus. And punch a kitten - that's a sign of a serious addiction. It's taking you to a bad place.

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    1. You're right - I should threaten to punch a Coke Plus. That'd kill two birds with one stone. ;)

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  27. hahahahah, I am the worst at poor spending. I am an informercial's target audience. I also should never be allowed to go to Target alone.

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    1. Ack, me either. Of course I only toss "little things" into the cart - a glue pen, some hair clips for the girls, a white t-shirt (somebody always needs a white t-shirt) - but 4,000 "little things" later, I might as well have grabbed a flat screen TV.

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    2. I'll say. I could use one for the garage.

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  28. Bibs and burping clothes. You will never be fast enough to use one when needed ;) brilliant list. I have bought so many things a size smaller in my twenties. Now I buy everything a size bigger. Which is probably my real size but I just wont admit it...Pass on them pills!

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    1. That's true, on the occasions when you do need one, they're never close enough! Buying stuff bigger is so smart, and exactly what you're *supposed* to do, yet I keep buying clothes as if people can see the tags. ;)

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    2. My mother-in-law bought us a GIANT pack of white thick hand-towels instead of burp cloths. When I received, I was all "oh, uh, thanks?", but she knew what she was doing.

      Any time those towels got too goopy and disgusting (which is all the time), I could just toss them in the trash. The rest of the time, those little towels could be used as spit up guards, to clean up various messes and to play peek-a-boo with a fussy babe.

      I bought myself another one of those huge pack when I got pregnant with my son. Still just as useful, even if it doesn't look as pretty as coordinated burping cloths.

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    3. That's so smart! We did something similar with cloth diapers this time around - they're really versatile and easy to clean, but you're right, they're not terribly cute. ;)

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  29. This reminds me of that time I bought all that expired peanut butter.

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  30. Ha! Yes! I think I've bought almost all of these. Darn husband judged me too while I was shopping away...why is he always right? The Epilady seemed so brilliant...

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    1. If I were you, I'd keep using it, just to make it look like I was right. But then again, I put a lot more energy into spite than more people. ;)

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  31. Agree with the bibs, my daughter hates them and will always wait until the bib is off to throw her food.
    Small jeans... Yes I have done that.
    The crib bedding...I have used every bit of it. To stops baby girl from getting her leg stuck.

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    1. Me too, but you know how the Experts are always changing their minds about what we're supposed to do. Personally, I can't keep up. ;)

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  32. Arghhh! That outburst is for the Dora movie I bought yesterday that no one wants to watch, after they begged me to get it. *sounds of me slapping myself*

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    1. It was a trick! Dora movies are *always* a mistake. :)

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  33. Replies
    1. I know you get it. *anti-bibs fist bump*

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  34. I'd leave another comment, but I've already left a half dozen replies above.

    Oh, I guess I am leaving another comment to tell you I'm not commenting because I've already left a bunch of replies above.

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