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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Sunday, January 6, 2013

This Post Is About My Period

I thought I'd start off with a warning right there in the title, in case you're easily offended by things like menstruation or the fact that I put a cartoonish maxi pad (With wings!) in today's graphic. But actually, this post isn't about my period; it's about my not-period.


Now that you've made it past the warning, I want you to know that I'm not saying my period is currently late. Maybe it is. But I'm not saying that.

Nextly I'll explain that, usually, my head is filled with a constant stream of things I need to do, my task list on an endless loop. It's as if my brain's convinced I'll forget something crucial if I stop thinking about Every Damn Thing for even one fraction of a second.

So basically, living inside my head is like working in retail, where you have to listen to the same 15 irritating songs over and over every day all day long against your will, until it's almost 20 years later and you still can't hear Mariah Carey's "Always Be My Baby" without remembering the kajillion teensy off-the-shoulder crop tops you folded in the Juniors department of LS Ayres in 1995.
Or something.
I suppose I could try just doing the stuff on my list to clear my head, because then I wouldn't have a to-do list to think about, right?

Hahahahahaha.

Let's face it, nobody ever really does all the stuff on their to-do lists. Besides, I'm super busy doing other important stuff, like coming up with complex analogies that somehow combine pop divas with defunct department stores. It's not as easy as I make it look, I assure you. So, as it stands, there's only one thing that'll derail my usual train of thought. One thing that will take my mind off the never-ending list of things I need to do, drive away all other thoughts, one thing that focuses all my concentration on a different topic.

And that thing is a late period.

Whether it's late by one day or ten, I'll obsess to the exclusion of all other things until I've convinced myself there's a 99% chance I'm almost definitely pregnant. Then, five minutes later, I'll be equally sure I'm not. Here's a sampling of what it sounds like in my head:
Was that a cramp? It felt like it might be a cramp. Maybe it was implantation! Am I just bloated, or am I showing already? I'll go ahead and Google "early pregnancy symptoms," even though I already have them all memorized. Nausea? Maybe. Breast tenderness? Only always. Mood swings? YES. NO. I mean, YES! Why do pregnancy and PMS symptoms have to be exactly the same? God, I'm tired. Was I this tired last week? I wish I could tell if this a normal amount of tired, or more like an I'm Growing A Person amount of tired. Wait - was that it? Did it start? Are my pants ruined yet? I should just take a test - buying a $12 piece of plastic and peeing on it seems to be pretty much the quickest way to get your period to start. If it doesn't start, where exactly are we going to put a SIXTH KID? I mean where would we. If we were preggo. Which we're not. Probably. God, I'm hungry. I certainly feel like I'm eating for two. Or maybe I'm just eating for one. One giant woman who's trying to gain 15 pounds in mini Reese's cups. Ugh, everything's driving me crazy. Except for coffee. Coffee good. Hey wait, if coffee still tastes good, I can't be pregnant! I'm pretty sure that's a law or something. Better Google it. Whoa, getting a little dizzy when I stand up, there. Does that mean anything? Owwww, my back. Could I be in back labor already? No, it's probably cramps. Was that a cramp?
And so on. A new endless loop - hooray! I'll enjoy the change of pace until my uterus decides I should get back to fretting over my to-do list. After all, although I obsess like this on an almost bi-monthly basis, there have only been three times in my life (so far) it was actually followed by more teensy junior-sized clothes for me to fold.

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59 comments:

  1. hahaha...omg. Pretty sure LOTS of people go through this same shit every month, I know I do.

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  2. My husband and I are cracking up! Soooooooooo can relate.

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    1. If you're both laughing, then I KNOW you can relate (said the woman who drives her husband crazy every month). :)

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  3. My husband and I are cracking up! Soooooooooo can relate.

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  4. My husband and I are cracking up! Soooooooooo can relate.

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  5. Yup, been there and done that. One time I actually was pregnant, she is two years old, now lol!! Oh how I can so relate to this post!!

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    1. See? You just never know! Thus the monthly paranoia (I mean, excitement).

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  6. Oh wow. You seriously just crawled inside my head there for a few minutes. Like every single thought to a tee. That's kind of scary. Or maybe I'm not so weird after all?? Yay! Thanks for the laugh! :)

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    1. I'm hoping we're just not weird. ;)

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    2. :) My thoughts always wander to...What about those women who are pregnant for 9 months and don't even know it? Surely this light period is a sign that I'm really pregnant, and I'm going to pop out a baby and look just as stupid, claiming that I had "no idea I was pregnant!" Sigh.

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    3. It could happen! And if it can happen, I feel sure it can happen to me! ;)

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  7. I can remember those days. It is totally wrong that PMS and pregnancy have pretty much the exact same symptoms.

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    1. It's just wrong - what's up, evolution? How about a little variety in the symptoms, eh?

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  8. When you start to get pre-menopausal, it only gets crazier up there (and down there). Trust me.

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  9. Every. Single. Month. That's the curse of having irregular periods.

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    1. Yes! So then you'd think I'd *never* think I was pregs, because I'd chalk it up to normal irregularity. Nope. Apparently that's not how it works.

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  10. This . is about your post.

    I'll have a talk with your stuff and your junk and see if I can't get them straightened out.

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  11. And that's exactly why I've all recently had all my reproductive organs cut out. Well, not exactly... but it's a nice perk! :)

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    1. Right, not *exactly* why, but I'm happy to see you've found a bright side. :) So, so glad you're on the mend.

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    2. Thank you! I find myself longing to do the normal things that I used to complain about like going to work or doing laundry. I'm sure the bliss will last a solid week before I start complaining about them again.

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    3. Laundry bliss is most assuredly destined to be a short-lived thing. :)

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  12. That was me last month, and I actually bought a test JUST IN CASE. I mean, think of all the wine I drink! Better to be safe than sorry (and be able to get a good night's sleep), right?! ;)

    I over-think and over-stress about everything too. I'm currently riding the cotton hobby horse, and actually caught myself thinking, "it's lighter this month...maybe it's just implantation bleeding...some people say that can be just like a light period..."

    My husband is often caught staring at me in wonderment, saying, "how do you get through your days?!?!?!"

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    1. I'm the same way - it's like there's virtually nothing that'll convince me 100% that there's no baby. Besides waiting 9 months to see if anything comes out, I guess. ;)

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  13. OMG ... let me know when u figure this out, so I can join the excitement if paranoia's been ruled out.
    -Kristin

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    1. Thanks for your support, anonymous sister-in-law! But curb your excitement (for now) - no baby shower this time. ;)

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  14. Anonymous? Not so much.
    -Kristin (again)

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    1. Ha! When I'm not commenting as anonymous, I'm accidentally commenting as Gerry.

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  15. Every month I think "Damn. I'm fat. Ooh! Maybe I'm not fat, maybe I'm pregnant! Oh, shit. Maybe I'm pregnant. No, I'm not pregnant. THANK GOD I'm just fat."

    Little known fact: You can buy pregnancy tests at the Dollar Store. I know a Dollar Store pee stick may not be what you want if you really and truly think you're knocked up, but if you want to throw $1 at the problem of your brain looping on pregnancy worries, a test from the Dollar Store is the way to go!

    -Amy

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    1. "THANK GOD I'm just fat." Bwahaha! A million thanks for the Dollar Store tip - you just saved me $11 a month. ;)

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    2. Hello, I'm new here, you're funny and I agree with Amy! Dollar Tree tests totally work. We wouldn't have been able to afford the babies if I'd spent $12 a pop on tests all those months we were trying to get preggers, furrealz!
      Have to admit though, the first time I got a positive, I went back into the bathroom and did three more dollar tree tests and then bought a digital one the next day because I got paranoid that the Dollar Tree results might be fake! Duh!!!

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    3. So, that's how Dollar Tree gets you - their stuff is cheap, but you have to buy it in bulk, just in case!

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    4. I don't think the dollar store actually makes the eggsam (trademark) strips.

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  16. It's like God was playing games when He decided that period symptoms and early pregnancy symptoms are identical. Geesh.

    Personally, I'm hoping you are preggers because I love me some pro-life bloggers :)

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  17. I NEVER thought I'd say it, but THANK GOD FOR MENOPAUSE!!

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    1. Well, at least there's ONE perk, eh???

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    2. ONE???? What about getting to grow a beard?

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    3. It will balance out my 'stache.

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  18. First time reader of this blog and all I can say is ohmigosh I thought it was just me who has that crazy late period dialogue going on in my head! So good to know I'm not insane!

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    1. I'm so glad you're here, and that I (presumably) didn't scare you off with my TMI! And no, you're not insane - or else we both are. :)

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    2. Honey, I'm going to have to refer you to my Man's Guide To PMS post. ;P

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  19. This was hilarious. I have had this panic so many times. After each of my babies, my body didn't begin cycling again for about 10 months or so. That brought the "Am I just still not having my period or am I pregnant again?" thoughts which were constant because I didn't know if or when I was expecting a period! I'm amazed I didn't implode.

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    1. That's the worst time for the Waiting Game - post-pregnancy, when you don't even know if you're waiting!

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  20. OH my goodness, how did you know my secret thoughts every single month pre tube-tie?! The funniest to me what when you said you'd google pregnancy symptoms just in case even though you'd already memorized them. That was totally me.

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    1. Right? I act like the symptoms of pregnancy, which have been the same since forever and which I've personally experienced three times, might have somehow changed since the last time I checked. Yet I can't stop myself...

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  21. This happens to me more often than I like to admit....and my hubby is "fixed"!

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    1. That wouldn't stop me from obsessing, either - you just never know!!!

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  22. Hilarious. I've felt that way every month for going on three years. Ha!

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    1. That's probably why they call it The Curse. ;)

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  23. Yep. This is me. And will always be me. It's just another reason for the Hubs to not "take care of things" - because he'll go through all that and I'll STILL freak out every.single.month. Sigh. Curse, indeed.

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    1. That's right - not even the big snip-snip would silence my inner baby alarm, either. My body's a jerk.

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  24. Love the inner-loop-monologue. And I like Colleen's comment about God making PMS and pregnancy have the same symptoms...sigh...He must be a man.
    God: Adam, what do you think? That won't cause confusion, will it?
    Adam: No way, God. You da man!
    Eve: Why is no one asking ME?!

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