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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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The Difference Between Me and the Wealthies

Well, the unimaginable happened - we got invited to a party.

Not only that, but it was a Fancy Party, at the home of some kind, charitable Wealthy Folks who clearly don't know us very well.

If you're like me, you don't normally hang with too many of the Wealthies (I can't imagine why they don't call more often). But if you do get the opportunity, here are a few ways you'll know you're at a Rich People house, and not at mine.


  • Wealthy people's lamps aren't just lamps, they're also Art - and they don't just illuminate the room, they create ambience.
We don't have ambience at my house. We have 60-watt overhead glare, and the only "mood lighting" it provides is either "I'm In The Mood To See You" or "I'm In The Mood To Sit In Pitch Blackness."
  • Walking into a wealthy person's impeccably restored historical home instantly makes you painfully aware of how little you know about architecture.
Walking into my home instantly makes you painfully aware that we have a cat.
  • Their furniture doubles as sculpture.
My furniture doubles as nothing because it barely qualifies as furniture.
  • Some Wealthies have friends who drop large clumps of penne pasta on the floor and then eat it anyway and then rub the sauce into the floor with the toe of his shoe and then, when he sees you looking, follows it up with a charming laugh. Hypothetically speaking.
My friends do that, too, but they usually follow it up with a laugh at my expense regarding what a piece of crap the rug was anyway, and nobody bothers to pretend it's charming.
  • The Wealthies have piles of glass orbs that might be Art but also might just be a bunch of broken light bulbs they pushed into the corner as guests began to arrive; it's best to avert your eyes so no one's tempted to engage you in conversation about the orbs, thus exposing your ignorance.
People usually avert their eyes when they're in a room with our stuff, too, but they rarely mistake our piles for anything other than garbage.
  • Wealthy folks have sweeping views of forested hills, dishes imported from foreign countries, and bathroom faucets that don't keep dripping after you turn them off.
I have unheard-of views of the foreign objects I need to sweep up, and hills of dirty dishes.
Not that I'm complaining, nor am I comparing myself to the Wealthies of the world - I'm merely performing a public service, lest you wander into my home and expect to find ice sculptures and a shrimp fountain. Because you won't. Unless the auto defrost is broken on our freezer again, and Gerry has to pick our food out of there with a screwdriver. In the fanciest way possible, of course.

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39 comments:

  1. This is kind of how it is for me whenever I get invited to my one Aunt's house. Love it so much more in the summer when we all sit outside.

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    1. Too right - a deck is a social life saver.

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    2. And paper plates. Don't forget the paper plates. Social outings are so much less stressful if you don't have to worry about breaking someone's gazillion dollars a place setting fine china.

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    3. I personally feel it should be illegal to submit others to the stress of using your great great grandmother's fine bone china. :)

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    4. I think it's gross, and maybe immoral, to use your great great grandmother's bones to make dishes.

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    5. The Third Partier. This just made my day.

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    6. Calley, did you know The Third Partier is my husband? Your comment will make HIS day.

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  2. That just cracked me up because that's ME!!! (Not the wealthies, the other).

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  3. I have tried to have a nice house, but I have four boys. So my house is decorated in early pee stain, hole in the wall, scratched furniture, legos underfoot. It's nice.

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  4. Robyn, I *know* you were writing about my dump...er...house! I went to a wealthies house once and then sent me around to the back side of their house because they thought was picking up their weekly contribution to the Salvation Army! I got some pretty cool stuff tho...

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    1. That is an EXCELLENT story! I'm totally going to parties with you from now on. :)

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  5. Awesome post! I have lamps that double as art, but only because I draw in the dust on the surfaces. hahaha.

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  6. And why is it that in a wealthy person's home it's called a stair case but in mine it's called a insufficient vertical spacing building code violation?

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    1. The wealthies need a shorter name for it so they can hurry up and get back to checking the stock market and buying summer homes.

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  7. My maid , butler & I were just discussing how clever some of you non-wealthy people are--the chauffeur disagreed!!

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    1. Now my kids are asking me what I'm laughing at, but I can't tell them because they think we're rich and I hate to disillusion them. Plus, if they know that some people have fancy stuff like butlers and heat, they'll start wanting it.

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  8. i recall spilling a beer on someone's white carpet... after that, I was relegated to the basement or garage at those parties. Fortunately, that's where all the cool people hang out....

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    1. Isn't that always the case? Or at least that's what I tell myself, since I'm rarely allowed into the house (except at your parties, back when I used to go out). :)

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  9. That penne thing could not possibly have happened!! The wealthies are often the crazies, right? I guess they figure someone other than the host will have to clean it up.

    Also..."the only "mood lighting" it provides is either "I'm In The Mood To See You" or "I'm In The Mood To Sit In Pitch Blackness."" Awesome!

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    1. Thanks! And ohyesitdid happen - he laughed, right there in front of me, with penne STILL IN HIS BEARD. Then he sang a song, the main lyric of which was "I like putting bourbon in my face." I can't make that stuff up. Though the bourbon probably explained quite a bit about his behavior. ;)

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  10. Feel free to pop over to my house - you'll feel right at home.

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    1. I'll be right over, just let me grab my scuba gear! :)

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  11. I like to think I would have a beautiful home if I had money, but the only real difference would be the top shelf booze and heat in the winter.
    -Amy

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  12. I once went to a meeting at a house like that and sat on a real zebra hide ottoman. The bristles poked right through my cotton shorts and panties and gave me a rash I will never forget. Only at a rich person's house will you find out you're allergic to zebras.

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    1. Cheer up, honey - maybe only your ass is allergic to zebras! When you're rich, you might still be able to wear the hats.

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  13. There wasn't anything charming about that dude, unless you consider a nasty beard filled with various food particles charming.

    Nothing about how it doesn't require four wheel drive and some helpful instructions from the housing development caretaker to get to our house?

    The lamps were cool, though. And I dig the rug that looks like a bed of autumn leaves.

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    1. All true things - I would happily liberate any of their belongings and nestle them in among our existing junky pieces. Except for the contents of that dude's beard, of course.

      P.S. The perilous trip up the driveway is in another post. :)

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  14. We visited friends today whose brand new house was so big, our own wee abode would have fit inside it easily three times.
    I didn't want to leave. Like ever.
    But then again.....the pool won't be ready until Spring so I guess I can wait a few more months to move in...I mean, visit again.

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    1. I need to find friends like yours! That's the only trouble with rich friends on a wooded nature preserve - too many hills and trees for a pool on their estate. ;)

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  15. I find it best to follow their elaborate social rules/cues like announcing yourself by shouting at the doorstep, "WELL HELLO, RICH PEOPLE!" and by spitting out your first sip of whatever fancy cocktail they've served you by saying, "Ugh. Could I please have something made from your private reserve." That's when you know you've made an "in".

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    1. We were made to go to parties together. I'll throw in an occasional "yee-HAW!" and bodily function, and it's a date!

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  16. I don't know how I missed this - I miss nothing of yours! I had a sick kid the day you posted this...off to scour all previous posts to make sure nothing else was missed!!
    This is so hysterical! I love Bethanys "WELL HELLO, RICH PEOPLE!" I am so gonna use that the first time I am invited to one, should be any day now...? That beard food thing is so gross but sure did bring some awesome comments! As usual, I am crying laughing!
    <3 Devan

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    1. I hope it's safe to assume your kiddo's okay! It's good to see you here. :)

      I can't wait until the 3 of us can go to a HELLO, RICH PEOPLE party together! I vote we bring our own red Solo cups and ask if we can get free refills at the keg.

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  17. LOL: "We don't have ambience at my house. We have 60-watt overhead glare, and the only "mood lighting" it provides is either "I'm In The Mood To See You" or "I'm In The Mood To Sit In Pitch Blackness."

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