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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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I Could'a Been A Contender

What I like to do at night, instead of sleep, is stare at the ceiling and get worked up about stuff that I couldn't possibly do anything to change even on my best day, not even if it was daytime and I'd taken my multivitamin and I was someplace useful instead of in bed staring at the ceiling.

I stew about things that irritate me, such as inflation, or the fact that muffin tops won't go away if you insist on eating a steady diet of Reese's Cups.

Sometimes I fret over the fact that I'm stunting my children's social development by refusing to answer the phone when their friends' parents call to set up play dates.

Occasionally I'll obsess about the possibility that the girl from The Ring lives under my bed and is waiting for me to drift off to sleep so she can slither up creepily between the wall and my headboard like that girl from The Grudge (related: I shouldn't be allowed to watch scary movies before bedtime).

Only rarely do I concern myself with the small matter of my increasingly obvious aging. However, one night not long ago, the insomnia-fodder of choice was Life Goals and how I haven't really attained any. Because clearly the proper time to tackle these issues is at 3 AM when you're just a few hours away from being jabbed enthusiastically in the eye by a baby who's ready to get up and play.

At that point it occurred to be that I graduated from college (rechecks math twice on fingers) FIFTEEN years ago. Fifteen years is sort of an eternity, and one would think a person could've made great strides toward any of her goals in such a time, were she the Striding type instead of the Lollygagging Around type.

Then I saw that today's Monday Listicles prompt over at Stasha's The Good Life was "10 Things You Thought As A Child You Would Be." I figured, Hey, what better excuse is there to sit down and really quantify my life's failures? Sure, I don't remember meeting any of the goals I set for myself as a child. But what the hell were my goals to begin with, anyway?


This is one of those instances when careful reflection has really helped me work out my issues, and I've come to the happy conclusion that (as usual) I was wrong! According to the goals I'd set for myself when I was eight years old, I've actually become (some version of) most of the things I thought I wanted to be when I grew up. Who knew?

I'm starting to feel like maybe there's still time to get around to that magical fairy princess thing, too.


A click below gets me one step closer to world domination! That's right, I forgot I always wanted to be Queen Of The Universe when I grew up, too.
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40 comments:

  1. I don't answer my phone either and stew over whether I'm stunting my kid's social development too. Ha! Probably am.

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    1. I tell myself I'll call them back. If they leave a voice mail. Or two. Lies!

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  2. As a kid I wanted to *be* Ricky Schroder when I grew up. I mean be Ricky Van Vooneer or whatever rich last name his character had. Mostly because of all the toys and games he had but also because his step mom was Wilma from Buck Rogers.

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    1. He had toys and stuff, too? I was too distracted by his overall dreaminess to notice.

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  3. Next time you're up at 3am lamenting the suckyness of life give me a holler, I'll probably be doing the same!

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  4. A fabulous listicle all around. Fun stuff.

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  5. Love the graphic!! And how can you pick on the Rick-ster?? I'm sure your husband is swell, but he didn't transition from Silver Spoons to NYPD Blue---that takes something special. Fun list. Erin

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    1. That is pretty special, but I still prefer G's transition from Hot Guy I'm Friends With to Hot Guy I'm Married To. ;)

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  6. There is always time to become a fairy princess. I was 30 when I got my first fairy princess wings and wand. True story! Being a fairy princess is cool and yes...we are all Wonder Woman. According to my underwear I am anyway.

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    1. That's my motto: Never question your underwear! Well, it's my motto now, anyway.

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  7. Ummm, I was supposed to marry Ricky Schroeder, bitch. *Sigh* I think I did better, too. And the poisoning food thing? Yeah, that's going on here, too.

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    1. I'll cut you - Ricky's mine! Oh no wait, I forgot it still makes me laugh that he calls himself Rick now. He probably wouldn't like that.

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  8. Ha, I thought I was the only elementary-age classroom tormenter/teacher. :). In my young imagination I was all about the classroom discipline and yet my 'students' adored me. Of course. ~Stephanie

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    1. I thought it was just me, too - until my daughter started "teaching," which is a game that consists almost entirely of her noting how many demerits away from getting expelled I am. :)

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  9. I do the same. I stare at my ceiling that, for some reason, has glow in the dark paint on it. It is sporadically splashed up there like a crime scene. It freaks me out. You and I should probably never watch horror films together. I disagree, you are a magical fairy princess. To me, anyway. *runs away blushing*

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    1. We totally SHOULD watch scary movies together! By which I mean, of course, that we should make a giant bowl of popcorn and eat it while giggling and covering our eyes so we don't see any of the scary movie.

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  10. After seeing this, I now need to add, "learn how to make cool graphics" to my list of things to do. That staring at the ceiling thinking of things there's nothing you can do is annoying as all get out. And Ricky Schroeder. Haven't heard that name in ages. Thank you.

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    1. Thanks! I was a little embarrassed that I could remember his name so easily, which tells me that your life plan is right on track. ;)

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  11. I would've been here sooner but I was verifying that Netflix offers Silver Spoons. Thank you for the Monday giggles...your lists are looking terrific. What do you use to make them?

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    1. What's the verdict on Netflix? I'd love to see an old episode - usually when I see one of those old shows I can barely watch the whole thing. As it turns out, all the shows I loved were actually terrrrrible.

      Thanks for the graphics compliment! I just use PicMonkey, occasionally Photoshop, and a lot of cursing.

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    2. They have it but not streaming, mail only. I have also experienced disappointment when revisiting previously adored programs...case in point, Mad About You. I wanted to be in love like Jamie and Paul, in retrospect I found they had a very dysfunctional marriage.

      I'm getting pretty hopped up on PicMonkey lately too...just another fun thing to play with when I should be writing!!!

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    3. Good to know - I'm surprised to hear that about Mad About You, but I guess I'll have to categorize it with Facts Of Life (I don't think I want to be Jo after all) and ALF (although I didn't have to watch that again to know it sucked). :)

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  12. Wow. Wonder Woman made lots of lists. She was spectacular looking. And I'm sure I fantasized about being on some archeological dig. That would be awesome.

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    1. She did, which surprised me. I never even saw her on TV (maybe I was too bust digging up the yard?), but I did get a Wonder Woman Halloween costume one year, one of my very few store-bought costumes, so she has a special place in my heart. :)

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  13. Yes, we ARE all Wonder Woman. I love your list.

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  14. Just like every little girl, when I grew up I wanted to be a pharmacist. And Mary Lou Retton. I am neither, but I do have a fully stocked medicine cabinet. And I'm short.

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    1. That's practically the same thing! I loved Mary Lou, but sadly I never even learned how to do a cartwheel.

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  15. I, too, aspired to be Wonder Woman, a singer and a teacher! Loved your list!

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  16. These were really funny. And you're right: We are all *totally* Wonder Woman albeit with significantly more clothing.

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    1. Yeah, those starry high-rise boy shorts and solid gold bra would NOT be cutting it at school drop-off.

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  17. What an awesome listicle - I love it!! Your explanation of #10 is priceless. Every once in awhile I get lulled into believing I'm actually in control of the little darlings. Then the toddler eats a tealight and dumps out her potty on the floor and I snap back to reality.

    I also am a middle of the night stewer (hmm, is that a word?). It's awful.

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    1. I know, I wish I could let go of the things I can't control, or at least learn to stew about it during daylight hours! Oh wait, I do that too. :)

      Part of a toddler's power lies in their ability to fool us into thinking we're in control. Such fools we are.

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  18. Love the way you did this by creating a graphic! My six-year-old wants to be an archaeologist because he loves Indiana Jones.

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    1. Thanks! I wanted to be an archaeologist because I was pretty sure we had valuable artifacts buried in our yard. Pretty likely in suburban Indiana, eh? I think Indiana Jones is a great role model! :)

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  19. You got my vote so you're one step closer to world domination. Great spin on the list.

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