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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Fancy Pants Party Poopers

Last week, I shocked the world by revealing that we'd been invited to a party - and since the party was at the home of some Wealthies, I also felt compelled to share a few differences between me and a rich person.

Now that you've all recovered from that info bomb, based on all your (completely silent and/or nonexistent) clamoring, I suppose you're eager to hear what happened at the party.

Did you learn anything from the experience of being intentionally invited into a fancy home, the mortgage payment on which is probably larger than the national debt of most small nations?  I believe I hear you asking.

Probably not. But let's see.



The evening began with us driving through a dangerous, blinding snowstorm to get to their Country Estate (such is our desperation to participate in polite society), where our aging mid-sized sedan promptly slid several times backwards on its bald tires down the curved, hilly driveway.

Thankfully, the caretaker (yes, caretaker - you heard me) came out to instruct us on gaining the proper momentum to avoid sliding off the road into the adjacent, picturesque ravine to our adjacent, picturesque deaths, which probably would've ruined the party if anyone had needed to run out for more caviar and been delayed by a call to the caretaker to remove our unsightly corpses.

Eventually, determined to eat our weight in mini quiche, we made it to the door.

I'm excessively socially awkward under the best circumstances, so as we entered the foyer (which in this case, I'll need you to mentally pronounce foy-yay) full of posh people and leather ottomans, I was already questioning my choice of lipstick (none - I applied some in the car, then changed my mind and wiped it off, leaving only whatever had smeared onto my teeth), clothes (I had ditched the festive sparkly sweater in favor of a solid black one that more effectively hid the ever-widening circles of stress-induced perspiration under my arms), and purse (the adorable clutch that said "Hot Mama" was buried within the ginormous diaper bag that said "Hot Mess").

Obviously I was feeling a tad out of place.

Of course, the situation wasn't improved by me being physically present or opening my big fat mouth. Within 30 minutes of our arrival I:
  • Told a woman, who was lacing up the coolest, most expensive-looking boots ever to be hand-sewn by an enclave of Tibetan monks, that her shoes were "really neat"
  • Expressed my interest in an attorney's line of work by informing him, "It's always good to know a lawyer; we get into a lot of trouble"
  • Asked a winery owner for his expert opinion on which types of wine are the least likely to cause a hangover
  • Explained to my daughter within earshot of several Poshes that, no, those aren't mini tablecloths - some people use cloth napkins. And no, we can't take them home ("Heh heh heh," to the Poshes). But no, we don't just throw them in the trash! *digs through trash*
  • Got crushed by an automatic sliding pocket door, because you can't prepare for something that you didn't even know existed
  • Chased my children out of a huge, clear acrylic, egg-shaped chair because it's not a swing, even though it was in fact swinging from the ceiling, so I can see why there was confusion
  • Nervously declined sampling anything from the buffet table because, as I informed the host, I couldn't pronounce most of the sauces without breaking into my phony Alex Trebek French accent
Needless to say, these people didn't find me amusing. Nor were they probably impressed by my Alex Trebek impersonation.

Anyway, I think I started this post by claiming I learned something at a Rich People Party, but after writing the summary I realize that the conclusions I drew were all things I already knew.

I already knew that even the stretchiest "dress denim" is not a fraction as comfortable as my pajama pants. And that no matter how many offers I get from people willing to refill my beverage, I can never drink enough to be truly comfortable in a place where the glass I'm holding is worth more than the car I arrived in. And that Fine Wine sipped from Waterford crystal tastes just as good as Boxed Wine sipped from my chipped coffee mug (essentially).

But most importantly, I learned I should probably not attempt to leave the house. Ever.

Or impersonate Alex Trebek in public.

But then again, I sort of already knew those things, too.

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36 comments:

  1. I found this incredibly entertaining and TRUE!!! I would love to know what business they were in!

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    1. Both attorneys - hopefully not the kind that can sue me over a blog post. :)

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  2. Last time I was at a fancy rich people's party I learned that a bidet is not a toilet.

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  3. Kick off your shoes & come over to my house. Would you prefer a box of red or white wine? Or, if you'd like, I can pour half of each into your jar & make you some rose!!

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    1. Fishducky, there's no doubt about it - you are my kind of lady. I have a feeling we'd have a grand old time with our jars of rose and our heads thrown back laughing. :)

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  4. I always feel like writing extensive footnotes for these reality-based posts, but I assume that would ruin the fun for you.

    I will say that the aging sedan we drove to the party doesn't have balding tires. That's our other aging sedan - the front-wheel drive one. We didn't drive that one, even though it's nicer, because I was forewarned that getting up the Matterhorn in ice and snow in such transport would be impossible. I've no doubt as to the veracity of that claim, as we really did have a helluva time getting up that hill, even with the help of all-wheel drive, a caretaker, and a running start.

    As for the party, you were still the hottest number in the joint. I'm always proud to walk in with you on my arm. You really bring my social viability up to a whole different strata.

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    1. There's no one with whom I'd rather party nervously, and certainly no one I'd trust more to get us up that hill, as evidenced by the fact that I only partially shredded the arm rest with my fingernails while I was white-knuckling it.

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  5. I went to a fund raiser with my boyfriend. His company footed the $25,000 bill for us to get in the door and there was only 1 other couple I could spot that along with us had no business being there (I'm assuming one of their companies footed their bill). I knew they didn't belong when I spotted the wife using her camera phone to take pictures of the famous guests. As we left and the valet person pulled my boyfriends huge ford F250 redneck truck up she ran up into the flowers and bushes because she told us "we don't normally have to park trucks". Obviously, by the number of Bentleys and Masiradis I don't guess they see too many redneck trucks. Glad I'm not the only one who is out of my league around oober rich!

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    1. I love the idea of the valet going up into the flowers - please tell me some of the McRichersons were waiting for their jet powered garage jewelry to witness it. They were probably nervous their cars were about to become your hood ornament. ;)

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    2. The looks we received were priceless. My favorite couple we saw was a 60 some year old with a 20 something year old plastic Barbie wife. They were actually on Most Eligible Dallas as the dad and step-mom of one of the characters. I've never seen anything like it. I wish I had a picture of these two, its one of those you have to see it to believe it.

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  6. Why do we put ourselves in these situations? Our town has a faux Junior League group who invite the poor, trashy people (me and my friends who work for a living) to Christmas open houses. There's a big crystal fishbowl at the front door for us to drop our donations that they use for ... Hell, I don't know what they support. Probably something I wouldn't appreciate anyway. I've learned to put my wrinkled $5 in an envelope so they won't know how much I appreciate their philanthropic good deeds. I then drink and eat at least $30 dollars worth of stuff and snoop around. I hate to go and have decided I'd rather hang out on my patio with my cool friends and drink.

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    1. I'm getting nervous hives just thinking about going to an open house like that! I'd be the one who spilled punch on the carpet, had her skirt tucked into the back of her underwear, then had a handful of shrimp fall out of her purse when rifling around for the car keys. (Because I'm classy.) I like your strategy though; that's a lot of booze for a $5 donation!

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  7. I am totally ok with staying in my place.

    I went to a club playdate once where I travelled so far down the driveway I thought I was lost. The hostess proceeded to complain about their heating bill because the heat didn't circulate effectively with their vaulted ceilings, couldn't be bothered to even let her guests know where the bathroom was, and served weight watchers bread with Jif peanut butter as a snack for the kids (my daughter has a peanut allergy.). I had to beg for a glass of water, then go through a series of directions as to how to get one myself. She looked at me like I was an alien for trying to teach my daughter that we clean up after ourselves when we are in someone else's home-after all, I was taking work away from the nanny. I was never made to feel so unwelcome in someone's home in my life. Turns out, my hostess had the education of a flea, and was from the ghetto of Jersey City.

    The following week I went to another group playdate with the same club. This hostess had two dimes to rub together, the house was a mess, and she couldn't do enough for the kids, and kept pulling out snacks for everyone. We had such a blast, and she insisted that we stay until the kids blew a gasket over their needing naptimes. The moms laughed until their sides split, and all chipped in with the cleanup. It was one of my best days as a new mom. This hostess was putting herself through nursing school, after her original degree turned out to be Not A Family Friendly Career.

    Which one would YOU rather go to?

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    1. Wow, that first place makes me feel all squirmy - gah! I think sometimes people are so worried about impressing people, they forget that what people will remember most is how they felt about being in your home, not whether or not you have a bunch of Ming vases on display with your Tiffany lamps. And P.S. - WW bread? I didn't realize kids recognized that as a food item. Thanks for reading and commenting!

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  8. See... those types of parties are good for people watching and live tweeting in your head.... because there are things that you can't say out loud and pulling out your phone to actually tweet could be onsidered rude. LOL!

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    1. Live tweeting - yes! Tell you what, the next party we go to together, we'll take turns covering for each other and blocking the view. Because some things *need* to be tweeted!

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  9. So the big question is... did you stash a few of the Waterford Crystal glasses into your Hot Mess purse? Might of made the whole event worthwhile... LOL! And who knows, maybe those people envied your "real" life. :)

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    1. Dang it, I missed my opportunity to have real crystal! Well, one or two glasses, anyway. Meh, probably for the best; I think we probably would've been the only guests on the suspect list. ;)

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  10. Holy crap! I was laughing so hard about the adjacent, picturesque deaths! Not that I would laugh about your deaths, but that right there was funny shit! Again, crying laughing! You are genius woman! What I would love to do is go to one of these parties WITH you. I may have to wear some bladder protection, as I am pretty sure I'd never make it out of there dry after all the laughing. Boy wouldn't we be the ultimate party crashers!
    I love the comment about mixing red and white wine, I do that! I even sometimes toss in one of those $2 freeze and drink Pina Colada bag things from the poor people grocery store. You know, cause there's no better mixer for malt beer-liquor in a foil pouch, than wine from a box. I love being classy! LOL, love you chick!
    <3 Devan

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    1. I'm totally stealing that recipe! We'll take a big pitcher of it as a hostess gift to the next party we crash. And by pitcher, of course I mean empty Cool Whip container. That'd be double classy - triple, really, with both of us wearing Depends. :D

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  11. You are the best party pooper EVER! And I mean that in the most complimentary way!!! Hilarious story!

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  12. This made me laugh that loud, poor person guffaw. How did I miss in the first story about your rich person party that YOUR KIDS went, too?

    Here's the thing. Rich people, like poor people, are just people. Everyone likes to have funny friends, so as long as your kids didn't take the mini tablecloths, they probably appreciated the lighthearted element your crew brought to the party.

    Mini quiche are delicious, but I like to eat my weight in shrimp when I attend an event above my social class!

    -Amy

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    1. You should have seen the shrimp there - they had to be bigger than the shrimp boat that caught them! That's actually the only thing I consumed there, besides wine, naturally. :) I hope you're right about them being charmed by our general clod-clumpy rowdiness - I'd hate to miss the next buffet table!

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  13. HAHAHAHA. We have been to plenty of these functions over the years, and I've learned to just stand next to my husband, hold his arm with one hand and a glass of wine with the other, while simultaneously seeing if it is in fact possible to fall asleep with your eyes open. The constant narrowing of the eyes makes people think you're really concentrating on what they're saying.

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    1. That's such a good tip! I think people were starting to catch on to my glasses with eyes drawn onto to lenses. ;)

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  14. Best line (or one of the many best lines in your post) "Got crushed by an automatic sliding pocket door, because you can't prepare for something that you didn't even know existed." Was the door on a senor so it would close on whoever was trying to enter or exit the room?

    But you're wrong, you did learn something. You learned the proper speed with which to propel the car up the winding drive so as not to careen into a beautifully landscaped ravine.

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    1. If there's a door with a sensor like that, it's exactly the kind of thing I would buy if I were rich, to amuse myself at the peasants' expense.

      I had my eyes squeezed shut during the anti-ravine tutorial, but I know it had something to do with backing up 200 feet around a blind curve and then gunning it... I'll leave the details to Gerry. :) thanks for reading and commenting!

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    2. You got it pretty much right. Also, stay in the middle of the "road" because that's where the caretaker just spread a bunch of anti-ravine-sullying dirt. It's a horrid layout, but that's what you get for living in a beautiful wooded park that's been converted to a beautiful wooded enclave for the well-to-do. I guess it keeps the riff-raff away. Unless you invite them over and tell them how to navigate the obstacle course.

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  15. Yup, my loud foul mouth wouldn't have fit in either. So glad to know I am at least in the best of all company though on that!!!

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    1. I think the rest of us should have a rowdy Po' People Party - woohoo, better tell the neighbors to go ahead and call the cops now!

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  16. I was laughing so hard reading this that I almost read it out loud to the kids because I needed someone else to understand why I was laughing so hard. Robyn, you are seriously funny. I love your brain.

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    1. I love you, and I love that you laughed even though I already emailed you most if the deets when it happened. ;)

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  17. I feel like you were Kristen Wiig at her fancy rich friend's wedding in "Bridesmaids". Ha! Hilarious, as usual!

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    1. Was that movie good, Kelley??? I really want to see it, but I feel like I need a team of humor specialists to endorse it before my husband will watch it with me.

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