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Sunday, December 30, 2012

My 5-Step Diet Plan For 2013

5-Step Diet Plan


I'm going to go out on a limb and be the first person in history to make a New Year's resolution regarding weight loss.

Oh, what? Other people are doing that, too? Huh.

Well, it might not be the most original resolution, but I tried to think of another way to start off 2013 in a state of abject misery that was certain to end in complete failure and thus strike another crushing blow to my self esteem, and I couldn't come up with a better guarantee for that than a diet.

Oh, what? Abject misery and setting yourself up for failure aren't the point of New Year's resolutions? Huh. I thought they were.

Well, I'm going to give it a try anyway. Not a real  try, of course - I mean my version of trying, which is to say that I probably won't try very hard at all.

I've included my plan here, in case some of you also decide you're going to (pretend to) try to lose a few pounds this year. It's in a handy printable format; place a copy wherever you think you'll need a reminder that you're on a diet. Some suggestions:
  • tape it to the snack cabinet door
  • super glue it to the light-activated oinking "motivational" pig we all keep stationed in the fridge to remind us that eating is evil and wrong
  • laminate it and put it somewhere you're sure to find it, like at the bottom of a pint of Ben & Jerry's Americone Dream

As a bonus, the whole plan consists of just 5 simple steps, so we can hurry up and get to the part that comes at the very end, the part where we just give up in disgust and face-plant into a pile of Werther's Originals.

Oh, what? I'm the only one who diets that way? Huh.

5-Step Diet Plan


I can hardly wait to start the self-inflicted agony and deprivation. I'll attack this plan with the same gusto I reserve for my resolutions every year, meaning I plan to stick with it for as long as it takes. Or as long as it takes me to get tired of it. Or as long as it takes me to find a bag of Doritos.

Clicking the Top Mommy Blogs banner below is slimming -
well, I'm sure it burns calories, anyway. You overachievers should click it twice.
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45 comments:

  1. This might be the first diet plan I could actually follow.

    Except for the bigger pants part though. Somebody keeps stealing my bigger pants and leaving behind tighter pants.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Those must be the same jerks who replace all my pants! I hate those guys so much.

      Delete
    2. I know, it's like the Tooth Fairy in reverse. Stupid pants swappers.

      Delete
  2. Can we be like Thelma and Louise, driving our 50s era t-bird off of the cliff of rolos into the pile of werther's originals? Please say yes. Ok, ok...I'm THINKING about exercising. That's 2nd base exercising. It's as far as I go. I'm not a whore.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Absolutely yes on the Thelma & Louise thing, and double yes on us going to 2nd base together. Oh wait, I might have misread your comment...

      Delete
    2. They say that second base now qualifies as cancer treatment.

      Delete
    3. That sounded a tad insensitive until I remembered that article about how groping really does reduce the risk of breast cancer (or so The Man tells us). I never really knew what the bases were, anyway, I was just going to see how far BPM would let me go.

      Delete
  3. Not to brag, but, I'm excellent at visualizing a workout. I can see it all in my mind, while I lay on my sofa in my robe. It's so real that actual exercise would seem redundant. Same thing with washing dishes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's an impressive talent! **jealous**

      Delete
  4. Oh lord yes. Laundry undermines your confidence on a number of levels. And doctors are a total buzz kill. On a number of levels. Brilliant blog post!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! I'm giving up laundry, doctors, AND trying on swimsuits in public fitting rooms this year - and pretty much everything else I already didn't like. ;)

      Delete
  5. I started that same diet last June--I expect to drop a pound any day now!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Definite success coming your way! And sheer genius with the laundry--officially signing it off for 2013.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Congratulations - you're taking the first important step toward being laundry-free in 2013! Lots of dirty clothes, but no laundry. ;)

      Delete
  7. I'm horrible with lists, but I think that this is a list I can actually follow. No laundry? I'm in. The nudists have it right.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agreed! I already wasn't doing laundry, but I'm happy I've finally come up with a valid (?) excuse.

      Delete
    2. "I already wasn't doing laundry..." ~ true story

      When you look as good as you do, you don't need to do any damn laundry.

      Delete
    3. I hate it when you finish up an insult with a compliment so I can't be mad. You KNOW how I love being mad!

      Delete
  8. now will i need an actual note from my Dr or can I just forge it like the anti-depressants I get from him???
    this list seems complicated maybe after some chocolate it will seem clearer or maybe I will try a shorter list anyhoo robyn thanks for a very funny 2012 can't wait for 2013 bring on the funny!!! no pressure geez what was I thinking how rude you can throw a rant or vent in as well okay? Thanks
    loves ya girlie happy new year!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awesome, thanks! And you probably shouldn't forge a note from your doctor - you might get caught! How about I'll do yours and you do mine so the handwriting doesn't match? Just like getting your report card signed by your "parents" in middle school!

      Delete
  9. Attainable goals! I like it! For reals!!! :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. On the rare occasions when I set goals, I like to make sure the bar is nice and low. ;)

      Delete
  10. Some great ideas Robyn. Someone on a motivational course once told me that imagining you do exercises actually burns up calories and tones your body. Although I have never bothered checking whether this is true or not I like to think it is. I guess if you are imagining the exercises while eating a big pile of chocolates then it works less well though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It probably does slow down the progress, but I like to believe that I'd be at least 30 lbs heavier if it weren't for my occasional "mental toning." I don't know it ISN'T true, right?

      Delete
  11. You have already done more to lose weight by writing this list than I plan to do all year.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Love. Here's a realistic woman with a realistic vision for the future.

      Delete
  12. Yesterday was my six week appointment after the baby was born and I was given the go-ahead to work out. Uhhh... awesome. I feel confident knowing there will never be enough time. Happy New Year!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mamas with babies and toddlers are exempt - you'll actually get a dangerous amount of exercise just chasing Mazzy around, and should consume 80% more calories to make up for the deficit. I'm surprised your doctor didn't mention it - I'm pretty sure that's what I heard my doctor say... Happy New Year to you, too!

      Delete
  13. I have a much more enjoyable and effective exercise plan all worked out for us for 2013. I'll lay it out for you layter. *cough*

    ReplyDelete
  14. FAVE part: "Well, it might not be the most original resolution, but I tried to think of another way to start off 2013 in a state of abject misery that was certain to end in complete failure and thus strike another crushing blow to my self esteem, and I couldn't come up with a better guarantee for that than a diet."

    Me? I'm slain. Slain from laughing. Thanks for killing me so I don't have to log any more WeightWatchers points.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, mama - I didn't even think of that benefit! I wonder how many WW points you get as credit for keeling over? Probably not enough to cover this White Russian I'm drinking - dang.

      Delete
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