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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Friday, December 7, 2012

A Man's Guide To Dealing With PMS

Okay fellas, I'm going to get right to the point. I know it's hard to keep up with all the dos and don'ts of how to respond during your woman's Lady Time.

Here's a hint: they're mostly "don'ts."

In fairness, we do keep changing the rules. Sometimes we want to be held, and sometimes we want to be left alone. We range from weepy to giddy to angry, all in the span of one Poise commercial. We might want to eat all the sugary things, or all the salty things, or possibly just all the things. Sometimes we get stabby, but sometimes we also want to smother you after we stab you.

So, if you're a guy who feels like you're failing to properly read your woman's signals, or if you're a woman who feels like your man isn't even remotely attempting to read your signals, here's a simple guide to help us all survive those one (or three) weeks each month when hormones threaten to make us kill men because they're being incredibly stupid.

Sorry, that wasn't nice. Did I mention I have PMS?


1. The first rule of PMS Club is: You do not talk about PMS Club. Don't accuse a woman of having PMS. Don't ask. Don't even raise one eyebrow as if to hint that you're wondering, "Wait, what day is it, again?" while doing the mental calendar math. Mentioning PMS in any context vastly increases your odds of having a knee applied to your tender parts at high velocity.

2. And on the subject of talking, it's probably best to do so as little as possible. Speaking is only advised if you meet one or more of the following criteria:
  • You're apologizing
  • You're agreeing with her
  • You're commenting on the vast conspiracy perpetrated by magazine companies to destroy her body image

3. Massages are great for sore backs and body aches and will be much appreciated. But remember, sometimes a massage is just a massage. This is one of those times.

4. FYI, don't put a Dairy Queen bag in the fridge where your wife will find it later, start salivating for soft serve, and instead find that it contains three apples you brought home from your parents' house. Apples are nice - apples that I thought were going to be ice cream will be chucked at your head. Hypothetically speaking, of course.

5. As for her cravings and food consumption, don't let on that you notice when she inhales every carb in the tri-state area like a sumo wrestler trying to qualify for a higher weight class. It's okay to let her know she has part of a Snickers wrapper stuck in her teeth, just make sure to work in the words "pretty" and "slender" when you do.

6. Unless your arms recently got gnawed straight off your torso by a herd of ravenous wildebeest, don't complain about your physical ailments. Any gripe you have about being tired or achy will not be met with sympathy, I guarantee it.

7. No, doing that  will not help our cramps. Stop asking.

8. Stock the house with lots of booze. Even if she doesn't need it, you  will.


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34 comments:

  1. Way too funny, and yet all true.

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  2. This needs to be printed out on nice paper then stapled to mens' heads.

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    Replies
    1. Sue, stapling is so harsh! We'll use my hot glue gun.

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  3. We need a guide for dealing with Male PMS, or "man sickness." At least PMS kind of serves a biological purpose, whereas incessant whining over a cold is just lame ;)

    Wait. We have a guide for that. Ignore, roll eyes and refill the wine glass. Cheers!

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    1. Ignore, roll eyes and refill the wine glass - a 3-step plan that solves pretty much every problem ever, aside from the problem of being out of wine. :)

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  4. The one (& only) good thing about being post-menopausal--No mire PMS!!

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    1. I meant no MORE PMS--damn computer!!

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    2. Right - MIRED in PMS is what I am right now. :) I'm glad there's one good thing about going through menopause, since we don't get a choice!

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    3. I reaally hate to burst that bubble but you have to do pre-menopausal first.

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    4. Dang. These lady parts are nothing but trouble. Well, maybe not *nothing*...

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  5. #1 made me crack up! I hate when I'm accused of having PMS! That
    s not to say I usually do, but that SO not the point! Great post! :)

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    1. Me too - that's the absolute worst. And no, it doesn't matter one bit whether or not it's true!

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  6. Replies
    1. Thanks so much! It'd be nice if it weren't so true though, wouldn't it???

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  7. I want to go wake my husband up so he can read this. It should be handed out at the gym and all sporting goods stores! I haven't laughed this hard in awhile, thank you :)

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    1. Thank YOU! And thanks for the idea - I might take the kids and a roll of tape around town today posting copies of this guide. You know, teach them about community service. ;)

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  8. Where to begin? I'll start with: I thought this was a purely humorous post until I realized that FOR ONCE, it was all based pretty solidly in fact. It is impressive that you can be honest AND funny.

    Just to clarify, the last time you stabbed and then smothered me you were NOT pimsing.

    1) I don't know if I speak for most men, because I usually don't, but I have zero idea when you're approaching that time of the month. Mostly because the only ways it really effects me are a) sometimes I have to go get you "things" in preparation for the coming season, and ii) I have limited time before the amusement park closes for a few days for maintenance.

    2) I am always apologizing and/or agreeing with you anyway. As for magazines: who gives a rat's ass what those idiots think? They're just selling an image, and it's not a good one. Unless we're talking Automobile magazine. I'll take the image they're selling because it involves sweet cars.

    3) I won't bother with the massage until next week, then. ;D

    4) That is the bag my mom gave me those apples (and a tomato) in. I knew it was going to be trouble, but I was too lazy to switch bags.

    5) Hey there, my slender and pretty wife. I think you have a piece of Snickers wrapper stuck in your teeth. It's not your fault, though. They really ought to make those wrappers edible.

    6) My middle finger hurts. I don't need sympathy for it, I just felt like whining about it.

    7) It helps OUR cramps, though. The royal "our."

    8) Done and done.

    I love you, PMS and all. After all, you put up with most of my MBS without TOO much complaining.

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    Replies
    1. I love you. I can't even do this comment justice with a reply, so that's all I have to say. Well, that and prepare yourself to get a calendar for Christmas.

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  9. Don't buy me a calendar for Christmas. I have one on my phone that I already don't use.

    I love you, too.

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  10. Utter brilliance. I just tweeted this and I'm now printing it out. Once a month, I tape it to the wall next to my husband's side of the bed and make him read it aloud while I cry into a pint of ice cream.

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    1. Can I come over? I'll bring my own spoon. And my own ice cream, of course - PMS time is no time for sharing.

      Thanks a million for the tweet shout, lady!

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  11. How did I miss this?! I'm so putting this on the fridge. Or my husband's forehead.

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    1. Men don't always look in the mirror, so the fridge is a better bet if you want to be sure he'll see it. ;)

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  12. Crying with laughter. This is just straight up awesome. I was laughing out loud alone at my computer by the time I finished number one! Stopping by from Finding the Funny! ;)

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    1. Yay, I'm so glad you liked it! Thanks for stopping by! :D

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  13. Stopping by from finding the funny! Just coming off a chocolate eating, saying sappy stuff and getting teary eyed spree (this month anyways-what makes men more uncomfortable-getting easily sappy on them or being snappy/feisty at most of what they say?) your writing gave me a chuckle! I would like to add to the list by saying that while it's a good time for them to compliment us, they may want to go easy on some of the innuendo spurting/boob or butt grabbing, wow look at your sexy body type compliments at this time, as we don't always feel sexy while bloated with cramps and prob. have other stuff on our minds! (like cuddling or what you said on number 3 :)) Besides- "Don't you love me for my brain and my awesome personality! What am I a giant boob to you!!" is the type of thing we may snap back at them during one of those monthly bloated, crampy ,emo days lol. Of course this is all exaggerated just a tad, but you are so on track with your list! Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Spot on addition - we have some serious sincerity radar around that time, and if he's coming off like he's overdoing it he's pretty much guaranteed a night alone. ;)

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  14. LOVED this!

    It amazes me how much they forget over the course of 28 days (or 28-34 days in our household - I keep things nice and unpredictable). It's not rocket science. It happens EVERY month, so you'd think they'd get wise to it.

    But I love the feeling the day after Aunt Flow finally arrives, and your hormones are at the exact levels.

    I'm having that day today. And it's magical.

    Tomorrow will be another story...

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    1. Oooh, isn't that day the best??? I like to keep my cycle irregular, but my PMS always starts around the same time - and gets worse daily until Aunt Flow comes, so day 33 on a long cycle can be hell (for him). ;)

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  15. I love this! Especially the "don't complain about physical ailments." My hubs sees every illness or ache as a contest and has even said "I wish I could experience cramps so I knew what you're going through. Of course I would be able to--" and then I threatened to kill him. Sharing this with him!

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    1. Kimberly, I hope sharing this with him helps - nobody needs to be trying to one-up your cramps! :)

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