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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Thanks for Nothin' - A Thanksgiving Rant

This is the time of year when I like to reflect, and really "drink in" the Season.

Of course, what I mean is that I reflect on all the crap I have to do in the next few weeks, and as a result I drink in the Season's many fine assorted alcoholic beverages.

Oh, I'm grateful and everything, and I'm full of Holiday Spirit - I'll punch somebody right in the face if they suggest otherwise - but sometimes, just like when you're making homemade gravy, you have to scrape a lot of fatty, gelatinous complaints off the top of the pan before getting to the savory, delicious gratitude underneath.
Oh wait, I forgot - I hate gravy.
Oh well, for the benefit of my loved ones who have to sit with me at the Thanksgiving table and probably don't want to hear me rant about my first world problems, please allow me to get the following whiny crybaby complaints off my chest. I'll try to phrase them as nicely as possible, since we all know Santa's watching, and I really don't want to ruin my chances of getting a new iPhone case (HINT, HINT).


1. Thank you, Toy Industry.
Speaking of thinly-veiled hints for Christmas gifts, I can't tell you how helpful it is that you've created eleventy hundred thousand toys, all of which are roughly identical, and each of which my children can't live without.
I try to give them Speech #528 about how, when I was growing up, all we had were Matchbox cars and Barbies. And how all you could do with a Matchbox car was push it around in the dirt until you went hoarse from making engine noises, and poor Barbie inevitably had no hair due to multiple "trims," was missing a limb, and many of us didn't even have a Ken so we could just forget about any storyline with a boyfriend in it.
Where was I? Oh yeah - I try to instill in my children the idea that we were deprived. But they just stare at me until I pause for breath long enough for them to name a few more toys they want, and I'm left wondering what possible difference there could be between the Squinkies Ice Cream Shop and the Squinkies Cupcake Surprise Bakeshop. Really? We need both?
2. Thank you, Pinterest.
I think it's awesome that you've raised the bar of hostessing excellence to a level only attainable by an insomniac Martha Stewart on crack cocaine.


"WHAT?"
"I said, 'Can you pass the salt?'"
"WHAAAAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU DOWN THERE."
"I SAID TO PASS THE M$%@!*F$^*ING SALT!
Oh, and happy Thanksgiving, Grandma."

3. Thanks, Internet.
I'm grateful that you're there for me during the holiday season any time I need to look up a recipe for baked glazed pheasant with almond sauce, or order all the things on Amazon.com, or research how to remove charred pheasant from Corningware, or compose an apology email to my mortgage holder when I spend all our money on replacement fire extinguishers for the kitchen.
But just once I'd like to log on without taking a two-hour detour into Social Media Land. I frequently click onto the interweb to look up the price of a Squinkies Cupcake Surprise Bakeshop ($13.89), decide to check what's hapening on Facebook real quick, and by the time I return to reality the kids are each a foot taller and my prescription for Xanax is expired.
And speaking of time slipping by...

4. Thanks, unstoppable march of time.
I'm excited about all the milestones and achievements my children seem to be reaching at breakneck speed. I love watching them learn, and outgrow annoying phases, and every day get closer to starting highly-paid careers that will help them support me in my old age. However, I can't say I approve of the baby no longer needing a long afternoon nap. It's really interfering with my ability to finish a blog post.

So many more rants to rant, but... deeeeep breath... I feel so much better already.
What's on your Thanks For Nothin' list right now?
My Top Mommy Blogs banner sure doesn't want to add you to ITS list...
Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory


I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely. I get extra-pathetic when I'm lonely.


48 comments:

  1. Ok I love you. Will you be my blog wife?

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    1. Absolutely! I'm warning you, though, it's going to have to be a small wedding. I'm not really kidding about the huge kitchen fire extinguisher budget we're going to need. ;)

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  2. I am thankful for people like you, and also the fact that I've never been on Pinterest and have no toy companies shoving plastic playthings down my throat. I do have a cat who I'm pretty sure is plotting my demise behind her kind (and high on catnip) eyes, but whatever.

    I'm not thankful for quite a few things today, as work pretty much made me wish the clear liquid in my water bottle was Vodka, but I'm trying to be freaking positive today. If only to annoy everyone else. Now I'm just annoying myself. I'm thankful for your humor, my friend! And that you're not annoying!

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    1. Finally, a reason to be positive - annoying others! I'm so sorry work sucks, though. May I suggest placing photos of your coworkers around the house with catnip sprinkled on their faces? Then patiently wait for Bring Your Cat To Work Day, when you can unleash the feline fury of a cat who's trained to scratch their eyes out. Just sayin'. Might take some of the focus of her murderous plotting off of you, too - bonus!

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  3. When you die, will you please leave your brain to science--or ME? I'd love to find out how you come up with such hilarious lines as "by the time I return to reality the kids are each a foot taller and my prescription for Xanax is expired." HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

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    1. Thanks ! I actually should have said "ginkgo biloba," though I guess you don't need a prescription for that, because I couldn't remember the names of any drugs and had to google it. There's actually an unfunny amount of research I have to do for these posts, due to the subpar construction of my brain, which also happens to be one of the reasons science isn't the least bit interested in studying it. But happiest of Thanksgivings to you too, Fishducky - I'm always thankful to see your smiling duck self here. :)

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  4. Happy Thanksgiving, friend! I was waiting for your turkey day post. It didn't disappoint. You never do. Hilarious, as usual. Thankful for YOU.

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    1. And I for you - happy Thanksgiving, my friend!

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  5. I'm thankful that I will get to put on thanksgiving for just the four of us by myself while being the sole caretaker of my kids since around here there is no school on Wednesday and my mother's helper is going away with her family and my husbands new job has longer hours so he doesn't get home until too late to actually have any more energry to do any pre turkey day prep. I know. I just complained because my husband has a job, I have kids, and we have so much food for Thursday that it will be a chore to cook it all. I'll shut up now.

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    1. Love it - best turkey day rant I've heard so far! And excuse me, but what the hell is up with no school on Wednesday???? My kids have that this year, too. Unheard of. I'd petition against it, but I only found out about it yesterday. :/

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  6. I'm thankful that I will get to put on thanksgiving for just the four of us by myself while being the sole caretaker of my kids since around here there is no school on Wednesday and my mother's helper is going away with her family and my husbands new job has longer hours so he doesn't get home until too late to actually have any more energry to do any pre turkey day prep. I know. I just complained because my husband has a job, I have kids, and we have so much food for Thursday that it will be a chore to cook it all. I'll shut up now.

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  7. I'm thankful that I will get to put on thanksgiving for just the four of us by myself while being the sole caretaker of my kids since around here there is no school on Wednesday and my mother's helper is going away with her family and my husbands new job has longer hours so he doesn't get home until too late to actually have any more energry to do any pre turkey day prep. I know. I just complained because my husband has a job, I have kids, and we have so much food for Thursday that it will be a chore to cook it all. I'll shut up now.

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  8. Thank YOU! Thank you for finally calling out the fact that Martha Stewart on crack is actually the driving force behind Pinterest. Really helps normalize my inadequacy. Also, what is up with these babies growing up? Extraordinarily inconvenient for the blogging career...

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    1. I think everyone suspects Martha is behind Pinterest (and on crack) but up until now no one has really had the time on her hands to start the necessary rumors and spread the unfounded allegations that help get the word out. That's what I'm here for.

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  9. "Oh, I'm grateful and everything, and I'm full of Holiday Spirit - I'll punch somebody right in the face if they suggest otherwise..."

    USING THIS!! Love this, you're brilliant Robyn! I know I say it every time, but you just keep on doing it! Cheers! Devan

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    1. The sad part is, I actually THOUGHT that, and didn't even realize how ridiculous it sounded until I sat down to write this post. There might be something wrong with me. ;) Happy Thanksgiving, Devan!

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  10. This had me in STITCHES. If the rest of your posts are half this funny, I will be a loyal reader for forever.

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    1. Aww, thanks - I'm so glad to hear it! I would say, on average, most of my posts are almost exactly half as funny as this one, so I look forward to seeing you around here more often! ;)

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  11. You’re my long afternoon nap, Wife.

    It's my understanding that meth is the new crack. Meth-head Martha.

    I love how your replies to comments are always worth another laugh or three.

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    1. Thanks, babe - for both the compliments, and the update on the drug scene. :)

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  12. OH, those f'n Squinkies! That word was already in my autocorrect, so you know it's an issue close to my heart. Ever step on one in the dark, and think it's a giant bug, or cat puke? Ever find one hidden in your slipper?

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    1. AAAACK, the bug thing! Absolutely yes! ::shivers:: My new favorite activity is going to be imagining the horrible things I'll do to the whole collection if I ever find one in my shoe.

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  13. That was hilarious, lady! I identify with every single one! Especially the Internet which holds me hostage daily. Remember when TV was the problem? Happy T'giving!

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    1. Good point! I long for the days when I used to worry that tv was rotting my brain. At least back then there was a small chance it wasn't rotting.

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  14. LOVED this. And I can totally relate to sneaking on FB for a few minutes and missing the month of June. What the hell happened there? Last I checked it was Easter and now there are flags? I was only checking ecards for a minute or 5.

    Thanks for the laughs, babe!

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    1. Ohhh, those ecards are sinister! And Facebook has those PLUS other things, like links to click and comments to comment on - if it would just make dinner for me and help my kids with their homework I'd probably never log off.

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  15. Stupid babies not napping ruin everything.

    Brilliant post nonetheless.

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    1. Thank you - I've gotten quite skilled at ignoring her or insisting sternly that she go back to sleep. ;)

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  16. Most people don't know this but the major differences between the Squinkies Ice Cream Shop and the Squinkies Cupcake Surprise Bakeshop is the differences in their health code violations.

    Remember you can't say Squinkies without saying Squink!

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    1. That doesn't surprise me much - that girl's room is basically one huge health code violation.

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    1. I hope Squinksgiving doesn't have as many heath code violations as the Squinkies. Unless it gets me out of sitting through Squinksgiving dinner...

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  18. Hilarious and just the mention of those Squinkies makes me shudder. Why can't they play with wood blocks and dress up clothes?

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    1. I wish I knew. Probably because dress up clothes don't fall down the heating vent - toy makers like to market stuff you have to buy over and over. Just like those doctors and our drugs.

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  19. Whelp, you pretty much covered it for me with the thanks to Pinterest and the Internet.

    And just take heart that I'm raising the next generation right. The other day my teen said, "When I was a kid, we didn't have iPads to play with. We had to play with blocks. " Word to her motha.

    Ellen

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    1. Thank goodness - that gives me hope for the future. :)

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  20. honestly, napping should be The Law for all children not in school.
    Can we not get someone working on this?
    At least at this time of year I can bribe them with "okay just one more candy cane....but first, take a nap!"

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    1. Laws and rules, my children ignore - but bribes? That just might work!

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  21. I'm so glad I am not the only one who gets pissed off when she gets on pinterest... Yet i can't stay away...its a damn vicious circle=(

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    1. It sure is - so many pins, so few curse words...

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  22. For some reason I can't reply to my first comment(?), anyways...update on using your line - "Oh, I'm grateful and everything, and I'm full of Holiday Spirit - I'll punch somebody right in the face if they suggest otherwise..." - I used it but I was so tired I mistyped and put that I would "PINCH" somebody right in the face....FAIL! :/ My smart ass husband commented saying "...please don't pinch me in the face..." hardy-har-har, smart ass. UGH!
    Also? I love your hubbys comments, I love yalls relationship! :)

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    1. Oops!!! Still funny with "pinch," if you ask me. ;)

      I love my hubby and our relationship, too - and calling me out with a smart-ass comment sounds exactly like something he would do. :)

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  23. I was going to elucidate on the differences between the Squinkies Ice Cream Shop and the Squinkies Cupcake Surprise Bakeshop, but Christian beat me to it. Instead I'll just say Merry Thanksgiving to you and silently pray for your sanity in the weeks to come.

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    1. Merry Thanksgiving to you, too! Thanks for the prayers - we're celebrating T-day today (a day late), so let the insanity spiral begin!

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  24. Dude, come on. The Squinkies Ice Cream Shop makes ice cream. The Squinkies Cupcake Surprise Bakeshop makes surprise cupcakes. Asking your kids to prioritize one over the other is like asking them if they'd rather have air or water.

    I'm thankful for internet shopping because I hate leaving my house. And for funny blogs like yours that I get to read while my husband cooks Thanksgiving dinner. My life is hard.

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    1. Well, when you put it that way, I can see why they'd need (I mean NEED) both. I hope they have a Squinkies Cookie Shock Oven and a Squinkies Pancake Stack Syrup Bomb Spectacular, too. Otherwise the collection just wouldn't seem complete.

      I just did some internet shopping - feeling grateful for staying on the couch, not so grateful for the cash hemorrhage. I'm grateful for your blog, too - all the fun, none of the hemorrhage.

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  25. Oh that is so great. Especially the damned internet. I can't do anything quickly. Everything always require a little side trip here, a little side trip there. Sigh.

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  26. @Sparkling - Yeah, I have that love/hate relationship with the internet. I guess if I didn't love it so much I wouldn't get sucked in so easily, though. ;)

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