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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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10 Reasons To Never Trust Your Child With A Camera

Call me old-fashioned, call me over-protective, but I believe there are certain things a child shouldn't be allowed to go near. Like a hot stove. Or a package of permanent markers. Or a van with no windows.

Or my iPhone.

I know, most parents are more willing to share. They'll let their children play games on their smartphone that teach quantum theory, or let them use it as a Frisbee at the park. I'm told they're pretty indestructible, with screens made out of the same glass as the windows that prevent polar bears from eating us at the zoo. There are apps designed for babies to use for teething, and probably apps to absorb the resulting drool.

Still, I don't trust my kids with my iPhone. Why?

Because it has a camera on it.



They will take pictures of themselves. Not good pictures. Pictures intended to scare the crap out of you the next time you open your picture folder.



They will do this often.



They will take terrible pictures of you. Sometimes there will be a monkey on your head in these photos.



They will take even more terrible pictures of you when you make faces because you're tired of having your picture taken.



They will take out-of-focus pictures crammed with obstructions and people you don't recognize, even though those people are you.



They will take pictures of things you don't need pictures of.



They will take pictures of gross things you don't need pictures of.


What is THAT?



They take incriminating photos.



And worst of all, they will take pictures of whatever happens to be at eye-level.






I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely. I get extra-pathetic when I'm lonely.


61 comments:

  1. I love kid photos! Thanks for sharing...

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  2. Completely true. Every time I leave the kids in the car for a minute, they snag my phone and take some terrible pictures of themselves and change my home screen. Boogers one and all.

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    1. No! Thank goodness it hasn't occurred to my kids to change my home screen - yet.

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  3. This is why I don't have an iphone...or kids. However, I also don't have that blog fodder, so perhaps it's a push?

    P.S. The picture of the baby is truly priceless though, you have to admit.

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    1. You're right, I think it evens out. And you should've seen all the pics of the baby with a sticker face - it was a series of 40+ shots -Thank goodness it's not real film anymore.

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  4. HAHAHA! NEVER EVER let them have your phone! My son sent a very unattractive photo of me to everyone on my contact list. I'm sure that they wondered why I was sending them such a sight!

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    1. Ha! That's priceless. For all I know my kids have done that, too; most of the people in my contacts list aren't speaking to me anyway. ;)

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  5. it's okay! The unknown photo is a close up of a frosty leaf - not the floor of your trusty neighborhood meth lab or anything

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    1. That's a relief! Hopefully it wasn't a frosty leaf on meth lab floor.

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  6. I'd say: Give the camera to them all the time, it is so much fun! Plus, if you ever want to post a recipe on your blog, you already have a photo of the milk for the ingredients list! ;-)

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    1. Love the silver lining! And it is entertaining to see things through their eyes (especially since it isn't using up film). :)

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  7. My children aren't allowed to touch my phone and this is why and because they've already dropped it in a coffee mug 3 times. But, you kind of have to admit, this series of pictures is endearing. And, the milk carton is pretty arty. Got Photoshop?

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    1. You're a smart lady with smart rules. I hope there wasn't wine in the mug at the time.

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  8. I'm gonna agree with BPM, the milk jug says, "abstract", "A cow's missing it's milk", and, "2% or Whole: A Milk Mystery".

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    1. Excellent captions! I was thinking, "do we need to go to the store, or no?"

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  9. Does it mean you need milk? Not a very subtle reminder ;)

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    1. I just hope they put the jug back when they were done so I don't find it fermenting in the back of a cabinet some day.

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  10. I actually think you should LET them take pictures. I mean, how awesome was all of this???!!!!!

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    1. Yeah, their pics are pretty fun, and you can buy yourself tons of quiet time by letting them play photographer - well, quiet *unless* they're fighting over the camera, of course.

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  11. These are cute. I love the baby photo and the eye-level photo. The butt shot is inevitable.

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    1. It sure is. I could probably make a whole butt shot album, if I were so inclined. WHICH I'M NOT.

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  12. My kids steal mine all the time. And I get pictures where I can see the boogers up thier nose. And all the cavititys on thier teeth.

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    1. But silly faces with boogers are hilarious, aren't they? Well, I shouldn't complain - with their senses of humor, at least I know I can always still get a laugh just by saying the word "buttocks."

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  13. BAHAHAHAHA! AWESOME! I liked you on FB (how I found this post..) New follower now too! :)

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    1. I'm so happy to hear it - thanks! A big welcome and virtual wine-glass-clink to you!

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  14. SO FUNNY! My kid does the same damn thing. 45 pictures of herself in a row with the same expression. Gah! I'm glad I'm not alone! Stopping in from HBU.

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    1. Thanks for coming, Wendy - and thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one whose kids are hams. ;)

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  15. Your intro to this post cracked me up. And then I got to the photos and laughed out loud. Great stuff! I think someone could get an art school scholarship off of that milk jug photograph. Never poo-poo a visionary. They could buy you that ski condo of your dreams or put you in a home. Ellen

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    1. You're always thinking, Ellen! If that's the case, I guess one iPhone is a small price to pay.

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  16. I am replying on my laptop because my son is currently playing Angry Birds on my iPhone. He's home sick from school today, and his seal bark cough made me weak: what can I say.
    Returning it to me in one solid piece is the least of my worries -- I can only pray it will not be covered in vomit.
    either way....there will definitely be an up the nose, this is my butt, or some other unexplained shot in my camera roll.

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    1. Just be sure to sanitize it thoroughly when you get it back - you're a saint of a mother in my book. :)

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  17. We taught the diva not to touch the iPhone, but I suspect as she gets older, we'll need to be more vigilant about hiding it!

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    1. Hahaha - I laughed out loud at that because I thought you were going to say as she gets older you'd need to get more lenient. You're my kind of lady. :)

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  18. Oh I love all the pictures from a kids point of view! I never share my phone, but I love seeing their perspective, even though it is a butt Ha ha!

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    1. I have a hard time sharing mine, since it makes me all nervous and twitchy - but seeing their perspective is pretty fun. :)

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  19. HYSTERICAL! The child's point of view can be so eye opening sometimes (as in...I really shouldn't finish off that cherry pie). Great list this week!

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    1. Thanks so much! I'm thinking of hiring my kids to be my diet plan - just show me what I really look like once a day, that ought to cover it. ;)

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  20. I'm ashamed to admit that both of my kids knew to swipe their finger across the picture to see the next one before they knew how to walk. Although watching them do it to real photos in frames and seeing their frustration made it all worth it.

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    1. Oh Lord, that's hilarious. I'm going to make it my mission to get the baby to do this before she's old enough to catch on to my motivation.

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  21. Once, my son was showing my husband's co worker the pictures he had taken on his toy camera, and I watched in horror as a picture of me in my bra and underwear popped up (thankfully it was a female co worker). He actually is a pretty good picture taker, but now I monitor the pics more closely!

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    1. And Kathy, for the win! I'm cringing for you. ;)

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  22. Funny!! My oldest son is notorious for taking tons of bad photos of his friends...and then I end up deleting them all!

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    1. Sounds familiar - kids doing something goofy and the moms cleaning it up. :)

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  23. Okay, I thought the shot of you and the scary Monkey playing a vaguely threatening game of GUESS WHO?!??! was hi-LAR-ious, but Maddie's Fu Manchu noodle face was the clincher ;) and you're totally adorable so seriously no complaining about your pictures...pshaw

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    1. You're so sweet! I never thought of creepy monkey playing Guess Who, but now I'm going to have to lock him in the freezer.

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  24. I am terrified to hand over my brand new iphone to my daughter so I pretend I am too dumb to download the apps that daddy has. I do let her ask Siri inappropriate questions and then we laugh.

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    1. I use stupidity as a cover all the time - I'm really convincing. ;) You'll have to share the inappropriate questions, though! I started trying to ask her stuff as soon as I got this thing, but she only offers to look it up on the Internet. :/

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  25. This is so funny and so cute. You made me laugh! What a great post.

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    1. Aww, thank you! Glad you got a laugh. :D

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  26. i was thinking the milk picture was more like "hey mom, is this milk still good?"

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    1. Oh you're right, it could be! I'd be super impressed if they were drinking milk without me forcing them, though. :)

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  27. This is amazingly awesome! Too funny!

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    1. Thanks so much - I'm so happy to see you here! :)

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  28. Forgive me, but I love it. Nice bum lady!!!

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  29. Not only do my kids take a million pictures of stupid crap, but they also want me to pose in a specific way. "Put your hand over there. No, not there. There. NO. NOT THERE!" Ok, take the picture before I smash the phone...
    Tracy @ Momaical

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    1. Ha! The ones where my kids decide they're real photographers are usually the ones I want to secretly delete first. ;)

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