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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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10 Mostly True Lies About Me



I've been called a liar before, and I've also been called a terrible liar.

I think the latter is meant as a compliment, the implication being that you're normally so honest and uncomfortable with lying that people can tell right away when you're doing it. But it seems worse, because what it sounds like is, "You lie a lot, but you suck at it."

I actually try to tell the truth all the time, except when I'm talking to my kids, or to other people. That's partly because I'm a high moraled individual with strict standards of propriety, but also because I'm lazy. It's way too much maintenace to remember what you said to whom, and to concentrate on looking like you're not lying, which is impossible because once you start thinking too much about how you talk you immediately start sounding like a robotic moron on meth who's lying.

See? Too hard.

And if there's one thing I hate, it's effort.

But here on the internet nobody can pull that CSI lie detector stuff on me, so it doesn't matter if my eyes dart all over and my voice cracks and I laugh nervously between every syllable, because you can't tell!

Or can you?

Here's a little test to figure out if you can tell when I'm fibbing - some of these "facts" about me are true, and some not so much. You should be able to click each one to make the answer pop up and see if you were right.

Which means this is also a test to see how well I can Google computer programming codes and follow instructions for inserting them into a blog.

Not very well, is my guess.

10 Maybe True But Mostly Lies About Me



One time at a hotel, I was reading in bed when I glanced over and saw a mouse on the pillow next to my head. I shrieked, knocked the mouse across the room with my book, and went back to reading.


When I was working as a substitute teacher in a ninth grade chemistry class, one of the students sprayed me with water from the emergency eye wash station.


I used to want to be an archeologist when I grew up.


I was on the swim team in high school.


I spent 6th grade getting bullied by girls who had been two of my best friends when we were little.


My parents nicknamed me Willie Illy Dilly Bagilly when I was a baby, which was super fun for me as a kid (Where's that sarcasm font when you need it?).


I have a reputation for my great memory.


I was almost murdered by a squirrel.


Sure, I joke around about being a pig and a slob, but actually I'm kind of a stickler for a tidy house, a neat appearance, and balanced nutrition.


Right now I'm letting the baby sit on my lap and play with the stapler so I can finish this post in peace.





So, how did you do? Or maybe I should ask how did I do? Did I fool you? Or did my lack of computer skills keep you from seeing the drop-down answers, and possibly even break the internets?

I'm pretty sure this Top Mommy Blog button works -
and it's always true that I'd love for you to click it!
Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

Hey, go check out Stasha's Monday Listicles today on The Good Life, where you'll find more mostly liars plus some James Bond themed lists - oohlala!

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely.


64 comments:

  1. I actually, truly, never lie got it right. Your memory. Only because the rest were too wackily plausible! So fun!

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    1. "Wackily plausible" - if my blog ever needs a new tag line, that's at the top of the list. :)

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  2. I had a some sort of rodent do that through the spokes thing once. And yeah, I did a girlie squeal.

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    1. I don't know which was worse, the rodentness or the possibility of face-planting from atop my speeding bike.

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  3. Hahaha!!! The stapler one cracked me up. And the chemistry class one? You poor thing!! Damn kids is right!!
    Love how you did this :)

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    1. Thanks - I still can't believe it worked! And yes, damn kids. Believe me, I always make sure my kids are extra nice to subs. ;)

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  4. What a fun way to get to know more about you. Or someone the opposite of you. I'm a little confused. ; )
    Thanks for the bully shaming plug. Definitely wanna hear that story.
    XOXO

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    1. My pleasure, it's a great cause! And don't worry, I'll get to the story at some point. ;)

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  5. Fantastic! I'm really, really impressed with your programming. Coolest listicle ever! I took a similar approach--part truth and part lie. That's easier for those of us who don't come to lying easily!

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    1. Right? I love your list, and that we played off the same half-and-half idea. Your life is way more exotic than mine, though! :)

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  6. you're a computer genius - no sense hiding it anymore.
    Also, I am fairly certain that's why the squirrels are out to get you.

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    1. My first mistake was assuming squirrels can't read, eh?

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  7. I'm going to write a post about what parts of your true stories are true and which are false. You truly are Machiavellian. ;)

    Also, that squirrel answers to me, so you let me know if he's giving you any trouble. The one on the shelf, not the spokes one.

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    1. I'm pretty sure I scared the spokes squirrel (bike spokes squirrel, not brand representative spokessquirrel) to death with my scream, but I'll let you know if the shelf squirrel gets out of line.

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  8. This is hilarious! And what in the heck did you google to get those cool doodly-bobby thingies to drop down like that? The one about you being a pig and slob was my favorite because I could totally relate! Loved it! And I'm gonna have to check out this bully-shaming b/c I had a similar situation to yours with a good childhood friend bullying my in junior high. WTH?

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    1. Yeah, I never got a chance to ask her why she and that other friend of ours decided to suddenly hate me one day - what gives? As for the doodly-bobby thingies (love), I wouldn't recommend messing with them unless you're not on blogger - I kept getting the code all written out and then blogger changed it! I still can't believe it's working!

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  9. Oh my, I love you so. Not only am I laughing historically but I am also feeling great about going upstairs without typing absolutely anything up. Awesome list. AWE.SOME!!!

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    1. Thank you! I loved your lead-in to Listicles today, though - very sweet, and I thought it was touching that you opted out of the list today. :)

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  10. Do you have a baby? I'm guessing you were a swimmer? No. I don't know.

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    1. Aw man, the drop-down answers must not work on your browser or something. But yes, I do have a baby, but no on the swimming (I fell in the pool instead and made an idiot of myself). ;)

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  11. There is a direct link to memory loss and chronic sleep deprivation. That's my answer and I'm sticking to it. What were we talking about?

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    1. Love this - I'm using it from now on, too!

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  12. Brilliant! And I sucked at guessing, but I did a good job of finding your correct answers...good job trying something new! Now you will have to do a computer programming tutorial!

    Oh...I was attacked by a deer once...everyone thinks woodland creatures are so cute and sweet...but *I* know the truth! They just taste good.

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    1. "They just taste good" - ha! And yes, woodland creatures can suck it. Jerks.

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  13. Well, I'm calling you out Liar, liar, pants on fire. You say you hate effort, then spend untold minutes/hours putting this drop-down list together? Awesome. And hilarious.

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    1. Gah, I didn't think of it that way! It did take forever... Maybe that just means I have really messed up priorities. ;)

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  14. Brilliant! And I sucked at guessing, but I did a good job of finding your correct answers...good job trying something new! Now you will have to do a computer programming tutorial!

    Oh...I was attacked by a deer once...everyone thinks woodland creatures are so cute and sweet...but *I* know the truth! They just taste good.

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  15. I could never do this, "One time at a hotel, I was reading in bed when I glanced over and saw a mouse on the pillow next to my head. I shrieked, knocked the mouse across the room with my book, and went back to reading."

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    1. Nor could I - I screeched like a little girl and hid in the parking lot, like a normal person! ;)

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  16. Replies
    1. Thank you! Sorry, I think the drop-down answers aren't working for everyone - the archeologist was one of the true ones, though, so good guess!

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  17. I love that part of your motivation for avoiding lies is that you are lazy. So true, right?! "Embellishing" can get pretty work-intensive. Also, fist-bump, my fellow high school swim-teamer!

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    1. Yup, way too hard for me. Speaking of too hard, I wish I'd been athletic, motivated, and talented enough to be on the swim team. I was friends with people on the team, though - does that count? :)

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  18. I went 6 for 10!! Where's my prize? :)

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    1. Nice! Your prize is... um... in the mail...

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  19. Ha ha, so funny! At first I thought it was the mouse story, but the I settled on the assassinating squirrels because they were the craziest one. Love your drop down thingies - such a cool idea! Have no idea how to do that! =)

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    1. Thanks for playing along! And don't feel bad - I just DID it and I wouldn't know how to do the drop down thingies again. :)

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  20. I think you're MUCH too modest--you're a GREAT liar!!

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    1. You make me laugh out loud every time. :D Wait, you ARE joking, right?!?

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  21. You cracked me up with "Imagine all those notes they had everywhere in the movie A Beautiful Mind, except with none of the genius and at least 2/3 of the crazy." I might be able to relate. :)

    But I cry "Liar, liar pants on fire" with the "I hate effort." You looked up program code for this awesome interactive post? You're oozing with effort and there is no ointment for that my friend.

    Ellen

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    1. Ack, the notes! I tried to consolidate into the list app on my phone, thinking it'd be easy to keep track of things there because I always have it with me. Unfortunately, I still keep making paper lists, but now I have electronic lists to keep track of, too. :/

      No ointment for my oozing effort, eh??? Ha! I just wish I would put that much work into... well, anything else, really. ;)

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  22. Dude, no way! I was also once attacked by a squirrel, what are the chances? In my case, I was walking to school with my mom when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade and I must have gotten too close to its nest or something because it stood directly in front of me on the sidewalk and started hissing and otherwise freaking out. I cried and my mom chased it away with her umbrella. Traumatizing.

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    1. That's it, can we not get a government grant to investigate this squirrel-on-human aggression? THEY HISS? I might not ever leave the house again.

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  23. Very cool way to do this!! :) Definitely a tutorial is order. I cheated, totlly, and read your answers before even guessing. Sheesh. Clearly I cannot be trusted knowing the answers were right there...

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    1. I would've looked, too - way too tempting with the answers so available. ;)

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    2. ::hanging head in shame:: I looked before guessing too. I have a serious case of those lazies you talked about....

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    3. There's no shame in it - we're not dishonest, we're *efficient.*

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  24. Great job!!! I was going to try and do a true or false button but kept getting confused as to what the answer should be...fiction or non-fiction! AUGH!!!

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    1. Whew, it wasn't just me! I got all turned around with double negatives and maybes. ;)

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  25. Ooooh. I love interactive, audience participation. Fun for everyone!!

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    1. What's more fun that clicking?!? Well, okay, lots of stuff, but it does give you something to do while you're reading. :)

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  26. I'm just totally gobsmacked at the whole code writing thing. I'm still stuck on that. Great list too...I'm a terrible liar...but I'm just a bit envious about the whole code writing thing...

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    1. Oh, please don't be impressed! I just Googled "html code for drop down menu" and copied - I certainly don't have any idea how it works!

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  27. Super fun, interactive post! You had me at the first one! And mouse or roach, I would have been in the car too. Mugger/rapist or vermin? The choice is obvious...

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    1. Yikes, right? Safety priorities, people! Vermin - way more dangerous.

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  28. This list was fun! I wish I was talented enough to be able to do the little drop down thingy. Super cool!

    Julia
    www.momontherunx2.net

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    1. Aww, it was easy if you're willing to let somebody else on the internet figure it out and then copy them (which I am). Thanks for being here!

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  29. LOL The first one I clicked was right! Squirrels. Sheesh.

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    1. It seems like they're innocently sitting in the trees, chittering away and minding their own business, but don't be fooled. They have an evil plot of some kind, I know it.

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  30. That was fancy - that thing you did w/ the little arrows.

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    1. It should be - I wore a tiara while I was writing it.

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  31. It is eerie how much we are alike. I feel like I am reading about me when I read your stuff. Except for falling in the pool and squirrel murders, but everything else....
    I am exactly the same with lying - WAY too lazy to even try. Loved the clicky thingys. Devan

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    1. Thanks, lady! Now I just have to push you in a pool and throw a squirrel at you while you're riding a bike, and we'll be TWINS! Although I probably shouldn't get greedy - I take comfort in knowing how alike we already are. ;)

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